well, i fail at life. let's just face it. why don't i just pick up where i'm at. and slowly, but surely, i'll fill in the blanks.
Romans 12:19-21 (NIV) Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
the people who hurt me need just as much grace as i do. and in extending grace, i earn favor with my Creator. this life isn't about pleasing me, it's about pleasing God. all triumphs come through experiencing trials. i can do this.
i wrote this on my facebook wall today. it couldn't be more relevant to my current dilemma here at home. for those that don't know, charlie and i are getting a divorce. it's time. we've been separated for almost two years and nothing has changed. in fact, my feelings for him have grown distant and i've become more fond of him than in love with him. i love him for everything we've been through, for the beautiful children we've created, for the family we have together. but i don't see him as my husband anymore and i don't see a future with him. this realization was and still is one of the hardest i've ever had to admit out loud. and having to tell him this truth...ugh. it's just hard. i never wanted to give up. i never wanted to move on. it just happened. so many years of being hurt makes a person hardened towards love and relationships. and i don't want to be that way. i want to love freely and without reservation. and i know i couldn't have that with charlie. i have this involuntary wince whenever he would try to be "my husband". it's an automatic response. my mind and brain won't let me go back there. there's too much pain, too much hurt....it's all too much. from where i'm standing, there's too much darkness when i turn back around. i see glimpses of light and can remember the good times. i have enough photos to look over. but there's so much darkness. so much doubt. so much pain. i'd be crazy to go back to that. so i'm pushing forward. but he's making it so difficult. he's picking fights, calling me names, picking on my insecurities,....just plain being horrible to me. and i understand why. i understand that he's in a place of pain...and he's not the only one. but he's reacting from that place. there are times when i want to be JUST as horrible to him in return. where i want HIM to hurt as much as he's making me hurt. where i want to hit below the belt and crush him. but i can't. i'm not supposed to. because i have the knowledge of recognizing why he's acting the way he is...i have to be the better person and NOT stoop to that level. it's my responsibility. furthermore, i have two children to consider. every decision i make concerns them. if i fight with their father, then i'm not being a good mother. if i don't give as much grace as i'm given by God, i'm not being Christ-like. and that's the ultimate goal, right? to please God. no matter how hard it is...i HAVE to do it. i need to remind myself, daily. i can do this.
I ran up the stairs, slammed the door twice and locked myself in my bedroom. I ran to my closet and covered my head and my ears to drown out any noise resulting from my outburst. I locked my bathroom door and covered myself in a blanket and slept on the cold tile floor.
I don't even know how long I was there, but eventually it was too hard and cold to stay there...but I wasn't ready to go downstairs. I pressed my ear to the floor and could hear them still whining, still hear them playing and making messes. I could hear Charlie and Tessa talking and moving around, the dishwasher cleaning dishes....it was too much to deal with, even though it wouldn't seem that way to anyone else.
I crawled into bed. I could hear people driving by. I really do live in a beautiful, perfect, suburban area. It's peaceful and calming, even when the weather sucks. And I feel like a fraud, living in this perfect neighborhood with all this darkness inside of mine,
Then it hits me.....this damn depression isn't through holding onto me. I'm SO over it. I'm ready to be capable of dealing with my life. I'm tired of being a crappy mom. I'm tired of being in its clutches.