so about that...

....that update?

well, i fail at life. let's just face it. why don't i just pick up where i'm at. and slowly, but surely, i'll fill in the blanks.

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Romans 12:19-21 (NIV)
Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

the people who hurt me need just as much grace as i do. and in extending grace, i earn favor with my Creator. this life isn't about pleasing me, it's about pleasing God. all triumphs come through experiencing trials. i can do this.

++++++++++++++

i wrote this on my facebook wall today. it couldn't be more relevant to my current dilemma here at home. for those that don't know, charlie and i are getting a divorce. it's time. we've been separated for almost two years and nothing has changed. in fact, my feelings for him have grown distant and i've become more fond of him than in love with him. i love him for everything we've been through, for the beautiful children we've created, for the family we have together. but i don't see him as my husband anymore and i don't see a future with him.

this realization was and still is one of the hardest i've ever had to admit out loud. 

and having to tell him this truth...ugh. it's just hard.

i never wanted to give up. i never wanted to move on. it just happened. so many years of being hurt makes a person hardened towards love and relationships. and i don't want to be that way. i want to love freely and without reservation. and i know i couldn't have that with charlie. i have this involuntary wince whenever he would try to be "my husband". it's an automatic response. my mind and brain won't let me go back there. there's too much pain, too much hurt....it's all too much. 

from where i'm standing, there's too much darkness when i turn back around. i see glimpses of light and can remember the good times. i have enough photos to look over. but there's so much darkness. so much doubt. so much pain. i'd be crazy to go back to that. so i'm pushing forward.

but he's making it so difficult. he's picking fights, calling me names, picking on my insecurities,....just plain being horrible to me. and i understand why. i understand that he's in a place of pain...and he's not the only one. but he's reacting from that place. there are times when i want to be JUST as horrible to him in return. where i want HIM to hurt as much as he's making me hurt. where i want to hit below the belt and crush him. but i can't. i'm not supposed to.

because i have the knowledge of recognizing why he's acting the way he is...i have to be the better person and NOT stoop to that level. it's my responsibility. furthermore, i have two children to consider. every decision i make concerns them. if i fight with their father, then i'm not being a good mother. if i don't give as much grace as i'm given by God, i'm not being Christ-like. and that's the ultimate goal, right? to please God.

no matter how hard it is...i HAVE to do it. i need to remind myself, daily. 

i can do this.

the current state of things.

currently...

what i'm listening to >>  contemporary christian radio on pandora! seriously, this station gets me through the day. i blast it in my headphones on the way to work, i blast it on my ipad while i'm setting up the caffe and it's softly playing throughout the day. i feel that God speaks to me through music. He's always done that. and when i can listen to worship music that is uplifting, it's really hard to stay upset or down about anything. and right now, that's what i need!

what i'm eating >>  just NOM-ed the heck out of a chipotle burrito bowl. i'm addicted to these!

what i'm watching >>  i've been seriously addicted to the real housewives on bravo and american dad on netflix lately. i'm usually watching one of those things when i'm off work. lol

thinking about >> a LOT of things. how excited i am to see my kids next week and the week after. how it's only a month until i have them back in my life. how the dynamic between me and charlie is going to change and how that will affect things. how i'm going to juggle working full time with the kids again. 

i'm also seriously contemplating doing a christian music album. it's been on my heart for awhile, but i keep pushing it to the back of my mind. but God won't relent. lol so i've started compiling a list of songs i want to cover and i've even played with the idea of writing a few originals. i haven't declared it publicly...except just now...and i'm hoping to find some great musicians to work with in the near future.

loving >> christian contemporary on pandora, chipotle burrito bowls, my job, the cute skirt i just bought from ROSS and the shoes i got from there and H&M today, zipcar, the overwhelming, awe-inspiring, complete and all consuming love of Christ.

anticipating >> being with my babies again...

feeling thankful for >> the trials that will become my testimony. i know God is preparing something for me and sometimes i get really upset and depressed about my current situation, but i know it's going to make sense later. just trusting and walking by faith. and i'm so thankful to know the Lord and know that He has it all under control. i'm also really thankful for my job and my boss. she's a christian as well and we have these amazing, thought-provoking conversations at work all the time and i know God placed us together for a reason!

many thanks to holly over at Holly Days blog for the idea. and Danielle from Sometimes Sweet for the original idea...lol love you ladies! :

the littles.

 if you didn't know by now, the kids are in spokane with my parents at the moment. and they've been really happy. they've been learning a lot of new things and growing and changing into independent little people, and to be quite honest- it scares the living daylights out of me! that being said, i'm so thrilled with all that they're learning and discovering. it's fun on some level, but it also makes me sad.

austin is learning to potty. IN the potty. holy crapola kid! stop stop STOP IT! diapers never really bother me. it's just those poop ones that make me cringe. how on earth does a two year old poop like a grown man?! and the best part is that it never really bothers him. he literally DOES. NOT. CARE. that's why he hasn't really had the urge to go to the potty on his own. BUT he does go when you put him on it so that's a bonus. but GET THIS!- my mom told me of three separate instances where HE...yes, austin.... the stubborn kid who came from my womb....asked to go to the potty. 

mind. BLOWN.

he's also using a lot of different words now. he can identify all of the major parts of his body and can say them back to you. he calls me mom {FINALLY!}. when i'm not paying attention to him and he wants it, he'll say, "mom. Mom. MOM!" and then start talking when i finally look at him. i can't tell you just how much that melts my heart. the first time he did it, i didn't even recognize that he was calling my attention. he just said "mom" and i turned and was like, "yes, honey?"....pssh, like we'd been doing it for years! lol 

and this little nugget of cuteness....i just can't, y'all. i really can't. she is just SUCH a big girl. everyday i see more of me in her and it makes me feel better. i admit. i get jealous when people say the kids look like charlie. i mean, they're his dad and all and he IS attractive. but gersh darnit- i grew, carried, and birthed them. and no, that's not enough. lol i want them to look like me okay! lol.. *insert stomping tantrum here*

but anyway. she's just a little cutie pie. and she's so busy. sooooo busy busy busy. i love watching her on skype. she totally knows me and interacts with me like i'm her favorite person in the world and it makes my heart swell like nothing else can.

i miss the mess out of those two. it's been less than a month since i've seen them and i'm foaming at the mouth waiting for my flight to go back and visit. i skype with them every other day or so. not that i don't want to see them everyday, but 1) they're BUSY. like super super BUSY. and they've got schedules and playdates and whatnot. they're really don't have time to sit and chat with mama except before bedtime. IF we can all get it together by then. and 2) i honestly sink into a mini-depression after hanging up with them. i want to snuggle them. i want to kiss their noses and pinch their cheeks. i want to smell their hair and skin. i want them to jump on me and crawl all over me and play games. i want austin to show me his cars and bella to grab onto my shoulder and stand next to me. and when i realize that i can't have that now.....suck.tastic.

but...once charlie gets back here in washington {more on that later}, they'll be back in my arms for good. beginning of june, i'll have my babies back. i can tough it out, right? RIGHT? ....

holy crapola...that's a lot of updates, batman.

first i'd like to say a big hearty THANK YOU to everyone who hasn't jumped ship in the month long blog sabbatical that i just happened to take. no, it wasn't intentional. life just got in the way. and there's been so much going on in this crazy hectic life of mine, it was hard to organize my thoughts into one {or several} coherent blog posts. what does one do then, when left to update a ton of information and only so much time?

BULLET POINTS.

 >> at the end of march, i packed up two suitcases {one for the littles and one for me} and we boarded a plane leaving behind charlie and texas. we had no idea what would happen for the long term, but short term, my parents met me in seattle and picked up the kids. i was in seattle for a vacation, of sorts and would meet up with them later. we moved because my in-laws are on a whole new level of crazy. there's some serious cracksmoke down in texas and i think they fell victim to it. poor guys. long story short, my stint in texas involved more fights over stupid stuff like what time dinner would be made, people "not liking" each other, and false accusations than i would have ever thought possible. i was attacked on an almost daily basis for things that held no water. i was called a bad mom because i wanted time to myself once or twice every few days. i was called lazy because i'd clean the entire house, come back to a mess, and be frustrated about it. i was called selfish because of things like scheduling a massage for myself every two weeks. and these are just a FEW of the things i experienced. i never knew i could be so "unlovable" by a group of people until i actually went to texas and had i known that people felt that way about me, i probably would've never gone in the first place. my heart breaks for my children who will not get to know that side of their family. this info sometimes bothers people, but frankly- it's my job to protect my kids from the crazies of the world. and as long as i'm the one making choices for them, they won't have access to my children. should the kids one day inquire about their dad's family or even express a desire to get to know them, i'll proceed with caution.

side note: i love texas. despite the fact that i felt like a hippie with my tattoos, piercings and skinny jeans/sneakers combo, i loveloveLOVE being in the south. i would eventually like to move back, just not to san antonio. and nowhere ever near those people again. in fact, if i do move back there, they will NEVER know about it.

>> i spent a glorious ten days in seattle with zachary scott. we ate lots of good food. LOTS. we hiked in discovery park. he was a fabulous assistant for a photoshoot i did of my great friend Wendy at alki beach. i did other photoshoots. i slept in. spent money i didn't have. i pretty much lived it up!

 >> and then the injuries and pain started. one night i was sleeping and stretched my arm out, like sleeping people do. i felt a pop and then a burning sensation. i rolled around in bed until it stopped hurting. the next night, i woke up at 5am and the burning sensation had returned but was like a solid 8 on the richter scale. after a little back and forth, i went to the ER. they gave me percocet and did a few xrays and determined i strained my shoulder and pulled a chest muscle. they gave me some percocet and ibuprofen and a shoulder sling and sent me on my way. two days later i went BACK to the ER feeling like i couldn't breathe. the pain had taken over the entire right side of my body and every movement hurt. they determined i should go get an MRI. i went the next day. the MRI {thanks to my hookup, Wendy!} showed tendinosis and fluid in my shoulder. thankfully, that intense pain went away by the end of the week thanks to a steady regiment on percocet and ibuprofen.

>> i went to spokane to see my babies!!!! and all was right with the world.

>>that is, until my stomach on my left side started hurting. i couldn't even stand up straight. that's when i realized i hadn't pooped in almost a week. cue going to the emergency room after the first clinic told me that i had a partial blockage and needed to go immediately! i ended up getting more xrays, a few enemas, and even a CT scan. it showed some inflammation and intense gas in my intestines. the cause? THOSE DANG PERCOCET!!! my doctors never told me that i needed to increase my water intake when i was on them. i was in SO. MUCH. PAIN. i was popping them like candy and just sleeping my life away. i had no appetite and didn't drink enough so my system was ALL out of wack and i couldn't "get things moving". SO. i ended up staying in the hospital for four days, restricted to just a liquid diet. cue a very HANGRY mama. 

>> i finally convinced the docs to let me go the day of Bella's first birthday party! i was released at 10:30 am and the party was at 3pm so my sister and i ran around like crazy chickens and somehow managed to get it all done just shortly after the party started. it was small and intimate, but it was amazing and lots of fun. 

>> i left my babies and came back to seattle and my new job. *sniffle* no more snuggling my babies into the wee hours of the night AND  i have to wake up at 4am every morning. but i love my new job. i'm half-managing a caffe in downtown seattle inside the WAMU tower on 3rd avenue. it's the 1201 Caffe' and it's so much fun getting to work in a little startup place and helping it grow. i see big things for this place and love my customers already. it's really a lot of fun. but i miss those babies like no other.

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if you made it this far, my hat is off to you!

now, for a picture montage of my antics!

(courtesy of instagram- follow me!)

♥

i promise to never let a month pass without an update. 

:) i heart you.

excited and sad at the same time.

i'm going to seattle in a few days. i'm really excited about it.

.....but i'm also going to send my kids to stay with my family because of some drama down here. so i'm really sad about that.


*sigh*

that's all i have time for at the moment. but i'll explain more later...

blurbs on life//decisions//mommyhood.

sometimes life sucks. sometimes you make decisions that seem really great and then they just don't turn out the way you envisioned them. sometimes that's your fault and sometimes that's at the mercy of others. i really wish the decisions i'd made before weren't coming to bite me in the ass right now, but i guess that's where lessons come from, right? 

the fact is, i'm making decisions now to make life better for myself, austin and bella. that life probably won't seem so great at first, but in the long run...hopefully....i'll see that it was the best thing i could've done with the cards i was dealt. gosh, this life-stuff and being an adult kind of sucks.

and with all THAT out of the way:

today, i was just all kinds of floored at how grown-up my little chub and my dear bellz have gotten. it took a whole three days away from them for me to see that they're not my babies anymore. *sniff*

austin climbed up the ladder at the playground today...ALL ON HIS OWN. up AND down. bella has been using me to stand up and then letting go and waving her arms around until she falls over. i just can't believe these two. it's craaaaaazy. 

i'm not ready to let go of my babies...*sniff sniff*

and here's some pictures from the day...

taking a dump.

there are so many things going on in this cray-cray head of mine. it's time to take a dump.

it's really hard to be jerked around all the time. sometimes i feel like i'm dealing with a severe case of bi-polar disorder. not my own, but his. 

one minute he loves me and doesn't want me to leave. he's willing to change and put in the effort. then the next he's berating me for "taking all of his money" and his kids away. and then i'm a whore. and then he's sorry. and he's praying for us to stay together and he's going to change. he's going to be different. i'll see. he's not going to let me leave without a fight. then he's yelling at me because i'm just going to be whoring myself out to as many guys as possible up in seattle. then he's jealous because i'm working out and taking better care of myself and i'm "looking better than ever" and he wishes i was still his. then i'm just an unclassy bitch whore who plays games. and all i'm going to do is spend all of his money. oh and because i curse so much when i'm angry i'm not a good christian either.

anyone else have whiplash? because my neck is killing me.

i have a confession. it's a dark one. sometimes, i wish the abuse was physical. i wish i could see the hurt and the scars that are being created. because when you see a bruise or a broken bone, there's no question in your mind that whatever caused that was intense. that if it came from another person, it's wrong. but when the pain is in your heart and when those scars are being etched into your soul, it's a lot harder to recognize how wrong it is. and it's even harder to deal with it because kisses and apologies are like bandaids. sometimes they're the best bandaids. or at least they feel that way. who didn't feel ten times better when their mom kissed their skinned knee? who didn't start being best friends again after exchanging "i'm sorry"'s on the playground? i know i did. so when someone you love hurts you in a non-physical way and then promises to change and says everything you want to hear...it's so much easier to ignore the problem.

i know that as a person, as a child of God...i deserve better treatment. i know that nothing i could ever do would make me deserving of this kind of treatment. i know that. so tell me why is it so hard to believe it sometimes? all i hear is that i'm not good enough, that it's my fault , that i deserve all of this...and even though i know none of that is true, i can feel the words seeping through my skin and into me and embedding themselves in my brain as truth.

should i even publish this? does anyone truly care? i look back at past posts and realize there was so much i wanted to say and so much i never could say because i was so scared of people knowing what was really going on over here. blogland is funny that way. i've always tried to "keep it real", but all the while i was being more secretive than i ever have been because it didn't fit my "storyline". the truth is, i started this blog as a journal. it's only fitting to continue on as such, right? ignoring or not acknowledging the crap i'm dealing with doesn't make it less real. in fact, all it does is make those feelings fester and grow and scream louder in my head. so i'm giving it a voice and being real and honest with myself.

dump. over.

/flush.

leggo.

today has been dubbed "action plan" day.

i've been searching apartments. {found an amazing one.}

i've been talking to my old boss. {there's a good chance i can get my job back.}

i've organized my debt and have implemented a debt-reduction action plan. {go TTMM! so far, $4700 of debt has gone bye-bye!}

i've called movers for estimates. {cause i need to move my crap}

...pssh. i got this!

eye-opener

{via}

tonight was a definite eye-opener. despite the fact that i had plans a week in the making, i was forced to cancel them because of stbe's inconsideration. *shrugs* what else is new, right? so there i was, facing a long night with two kids who spent most of the day screaming and whining and, even though they were tired, they were NOT going to sleep. sleep would show weakness. and as i've learned in the last year: one mama. two babies. whomever showed weakness would lose the battle. and these two will wear me out long before i wear them out.

i was on skype with my sister when the dad left. austin started crying immediately. bella was in my lap banging her fists on my keyboard and, after some coaxing austin brought his whining into the room. somehow he got over it and then bella started up again. and it has been this way all effing night. my favorite parts {yes, this happened multiple times} would have to be when bella would scream as if someone was beating the living daylights out of her and literally NOTHING i could do would help. so i just held her tightly, shh-ing her, and rocked her. i think i might've rocked more for myself than anything else.

it's just been a big eye-opener. i finally got them to sleep around 1am after lying there, feeling very sorry for myself, and feeling like the world was on my shoulders. truthfully, i still feel that way. i don't even feel mad. it's just a bunch of sadness. i'm sad that i made the choices i made, chose the person i did, and ended up here. and i really hate that i let myself get so far out of my comfort zone that relief seems too far away. i know it'll all end up okay. i can see the changes that'll make it better. i can literally taste and feel freedom...it's just getting there that's been the issue. i'm terrified. it's going to take something bigger than me and bigger than my support system.. it'll take the wonderful mercy of Christ. and my faith is big and strong.

i'm ready to put in the work and the effort to find that happiness i crave. but sometimes, like tonight, i have to cry. i have to throw a tantrum. then i need to pick myself up, dust off my shoulders, and stop feeling sorry for myself. tonight has been a huge eye-opener. and i'm ready. so bring it.

gah.

today would be my 3rd year dating anniversary.

is it a surprise i've been lying in bed all day? no? 

....i think the cookie dough is calling my name.

starting over...

hi. my name is kiranda.

and i'm filing for separation from my husband.

i don't think marriage sucks and i'm not against falling in love {at some point} but MY marriage sucked. not because it was hard. not because it wasn't what i thought it would be. not because i didn't work hard at every turn to make it last. but because i was the ONLY one who was trying to make it work. there's only so many lies, infidelity, selfishness, emotional abuse and abandonment that one person can deal with. 

i can say with absolute certainty that i did everything i knew to do to make my marriage last. i did things i would have never done in a million years in an effort to make it work. i made myself half of a person in order to please him and it wasn't good enough. to this day, nothing has ever been good enough.

i'm not perfect. i've made mistakes within this union. and i'm not going to try and be 'holier than thou' and point out the splinter in his eye while ignoring the plank in my own. i don't think he is a horrible person, i just don't think i could be with him any longer. is he still my friend? of course. do we have some awesome kiddos that i'm excited to co-parent with him? YES and YES. but romantically- i know i could never be truly happy. 

i think we've moved past the point of moving forward. so i'm moving on.

so here's to being happy.

cause Lord knows it's been awhile.