dealing. and saying "until heaven"....

this has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. i have to apologize for being absent here on the blog-o-sphere. my grandma finally passed on august twenty-third. we drove over like lightning and made it just in time to say our goodbyes before they shut off the ventilator. she was already gone before we got there, but i could feel her in the room.

it was an amazing time. there were over 40 people in her ICU room {definitely a lot more than the "no more than 2 at a time" rule they have} and we all sang and prayed. we kissed her and held her hands. i laid my head on her shoulder and just cuddled her. i sang "His Eye Is On The Sparrow" one more time... {i'll actually sang it AGAIN on saturday at her funeral service} and we cried...of course. it took me a moment before i could even walk in the room. i was totally fine but then we got off the elevator and were bombarded with our family members crying in the hallway. it was seriously too much to handle. then my mom dragged me in the room {quite literally} and i purposely looked away from her bed. i looked at the wall for about two minutes before i mustered up the courage to look at her body. i knew INSTANTLY that she wasn't in her body anymore. but i picked up her hand and held it as tight as i could.

you would think saying good bye to her would be the hardest part of this week, but alas...it wasn't. dealing with my grieving family members is the hardest part. and let me tell you why:

i think that it's incredibly sad my grandma is gone. i'm sad for me and my children. i'm selfishly sad. and i understand that everyone is grieving and dealing with this. i also understand that we're not all the same and we deal with things in a different way. that being said- there's SO. MUCH. ARGUING. over stupid stuff. i mean, LITERALLY. there are arguments over her will, her house, her possessions, her funeral arrangements, who is going to do what, who is going to pay for what, who is going to say what, etc. literally- you name it...there's an argument. and i'm over it.

i don't do drama. at least, i try not to. but all i'm surrounded by are people making mean comments and rude remarks at each other and behind each other's back. i hear some of the most ridiculous arguments and i'm witness to crazy hypocrisy. i want to rip my hair out every second i'm here. no one wants to put their egos on the backburner for a little bit and it's driving me nuts. i expected my family to fall apart, but not this quickly. this has brought out the worst in everyone, myself included. and i don't like it. i had to pray over and over for God to restore me to deal with everything in a Christ-like way. there was one point where my aunt, who hates me for some reason, said in front of me {loudly} that the reason that attractive guys are attracted to my sister is because she's so skinny and pretty and just all around gorgeous. now normally, that wouldn't sound bad. but she was doing it as a dig to me. to insinuate that since i'm none of those things, "attractive" {read: players} aren't attracted to me.

but annnnyway. i'm glad to be home. i miss my grandmother something fierce. but overall, i can't even imagine how full her heart was when she crossed over and met her husband, family, and friends in heaven. i can't wait to see her again, that's for sure.

here are some snapshots of the family down in the basement of the church

before her funeral service. and this is only part of all of us. lol

charlie- austin- and my dad, Kirk.

he flew from california to pay his respects to his ex-mother-in-law.

my sister and i. she TOTES used the funeral to make a fashion statement. lol

me and that soldier guy with some onlookers. 

my uncle ben: "alright now!" and other family

same room, different angle.

my "dear"

Florence Everette

June 22, 1936 - August 23, 2011

My Dear.

My grandmother suffered a massive stroke yesterday afternoon. We were hopeful that it wasn't as bad as it seemed, but the doctors have told us that it's pretty grim. The entire left side of her brain has no activity due to swelling and hemorrhaging overnight. She's essentially non-functioning right now. She's on life support, but due to a  DNR/no life support clause in her will, they will be taking her off at some point today.

She was the center of our family, the glue holding us all together. I fear that, despite knowing and being Believers, that my family members will slowly have hardened hearts toward Christ. I pray that they seek refuge in Him and can grow stronger in their faith during this trying time. 



I'm happy she got to meet my husband and my kids. Taking that last minute trip to Spokane for her birthday party with Bella was the best decision I ever made. I'm sad she won't know any future children. I'm sad they were too young to be able to remember her. I wish we'd taken more pictures...well I tried, but she hated cameras. :/


I don't know if I'll make it to her before she passes. I feel a sense of odd numbness right now. I'm torn between wanting to stay away and going to face the reality of the situation. I don't know how I'll feel down the line if I don't go either. I just know this really sucks having to face this reality. Holidays are going to be the worst. I was so excited to have her here for my recital on my birthday. She hadn't really seen me perform before. I hate knowing that her house will still be here but she won't be in it. And I just know that my family is going to make this whole transition pretty hellish for me. Pssh- my sister already got frustrated with me for booking her a last minute flight out of the wrong airport....like I'm supposed to know, right? UGH.


I feel selfish sorrow. I want her here for myself and my little family. But I also feel so much joy. I'm so happy that she will no longer be in pain. I'm so happy she'll finally get to meet Our Heavenly Father. I know she'll be dancing and singing and having an amazing time with the Lord and all of her friends and family up there in Heaven. I know this isn't goodbye, just a temporary "see ya later". Last night I was able to sing to her. I sang "His Eye Is On The Sparrow" and she was trying to talk and responsive, so I know she heard me. 

Last night I listened to "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe. And at some point soon, she will know. What an amazing, yet sad thing to realize...

ten things about my grandmother.

my grandmother is currently in surgery to remove a blod clot from her brain. as with any surgery, there are risks involved. this surgery is incredibly risky and there's a chance she may not even pull through. i've been praying and crying and trying to not break down since the news. today's listicle is all about her.

10. when my sister and i were little, we always went to the park with my grandma for picnics. my favorite was when she'd push us on the swings and help us go down the slide.

9. my grandma makes the most amazing mac and cheese. it's a secret family recipe...and she passed it onto me. :D

8. another "when we were little story"- she used to get out of the shower and do this dance for my sister and i...to make us laugh. yes, she was naked. and she would shake...it was hilarious and still makes me laugh out loud when i think about it.

7. my grandma literally cries over everything. good, bad, happy, sad...she cries. lol

6. her faith in God is beyond amazing.

5. one time, she pulled a gun out on a bunch of us. we were having a water balloon fight and she told us not to get any water in the house. someone threw a balloon at the front door and she ran inside and grabbed her fun. talk about scary.

4. for christmas every year, we do a 12 days a christmas for her. she has 7 kids and a million grandchildren and great grandchildren she gets a lot of presents. it's fun.

3. for as long as i remember, she's always had her nails done. and usually in some shade of red..her favorite color.

2. the last time i sang for my grandmother, she gave me a compliment and told me i really could sing well. that was the best compliment i've ever received.

1. she loves my kiddos and loves being around them. and i love seeing them with her. she's so great.

linking up with stasha over at the good life.
{the button link wasn't working for some reason}

i feel absolutely sick to my stomach.

my sister just called me to say that my grandmother had a stroke and is being rushed to the hospital. i'm losing my mind over here. i can't lose my grandmother. i just can't. she's everything. i need her. my family needs her. my kids need her.

i know that God has plans in works right now. i just pray with every fiber of my being that he keeps her here. she's not done living....i just know it.