things i DON'T need.

you know what i DON'T need?

- i don't need anyone making me feel bad for having battles with depression.

- i don't need anyone making me feel guilty for wanting to be a parent.

- i don't need drama.

- i don't need added stress.

- i don't need unnecessary pressure.

- i don't need judgement.

i need support.

and love.

lots and lots of love.

i need understanding and a warm hand to hold 

when i feel scared and alone.

i need tenderness.

and closeness.

i need to be validated.

i need to know that i'm not weird

or crazy or psychotic

or broken.

if you can't give me that...then buhbye.

//rant. over.

the misconceptions

it's no secret that the last few months have been inCREDibly hectic. lots of ups and downs, so many things going on, nothing really ever settling down...it's enough to drive someone like me a little bat sh*t crazy.

a few weeks ago, my sister was here in town and despite a great weekend, i was in the midst of a serious dark depression storm. i couldn't shake this horrid way i was feeling and even when doing fun things, i felt slightly "out of it". on friday night, my sister and Charlie went out to Seattle to hang out with one of our cousins. they partied it up and i received lots of interesting drunk texts. i knew i would be on "chub-duty" {as well call it around here} and had been mentally preparing for it all day. i was proactive, or so i thought, and kept with our usual routine: dinner and baths at 8, warm bottles and baby massages and in bed by 9. the night was going well. until it wasn't.

austin didn't want to go to bed. he played and played. he read books and watched tv and played on the ipad. sometime around 12:30am, he passed out. bella woke up around 1am. and she. wouldn't. go. back. to. sleep. normally, it wouldn't bother me. but bella isn't the easiest toddler. austin is able to entertain himself for HOURS with minimal help on my part. bella, on the other hand....nahsomuch.
i had to hold her and rock her. and give her milk. and sing to her. and snuggle her. but none of it is enough. she cried. and cried. AND CRIED. for hours. after the first five or so hours, my patience had run out. i wasn't happy. i was tired, miserable, cranky...my ears were shot. i had had it up to HERE and that point had LONG been gone. i. was. DONE.

i sent a text to charlie {i have no recollection of sending this, really.} essentially saying that if he didn't hurry back, i was going to rip her throat out because i had had enough. unfortunately, charlie was too drunk to drive home. so i had to deal.

after that weekend, that suffocatingly dark weekend, both charlie and my sister were worried. this was the first time they had ever seen me this low. my sister continued on with her vacation and proceeded to tell everyone in spokane {my family} about what had happened over the weekend. and you can guess how rumors start flying and why i'm writing this post.

LET ME REASSURE EVERYONE

++ while PPD affects everyone differently, my experience isn't like theirs. nor is their experience like mine. i can only tell you how *I'M* affected and how *I'M* dealing ++

 i don't want to harm my children.

i don't want to harm myself.

i'm not crazy. or maybe i am, but i'm not psychotic.

i'm dealing. the best way i know how.

  i don't wallow in self-pity every single day.
and yes, i do still love my children.
and yes, i do still want to be a mother.
and yes, i do still want MORE children.

therefore...

don't call me everyday "just to say hey" {when really you're just checking on me}

don't offer to take my kids for a few weeks {because that doesn't SOLVE the problem. it temporarily removes to the problem}

don't look at me that way {like i said, i'm not psychotic}

don't assume you know how i'm feeling {ASK. because it changes every day, several times a day}

don't act like i'm not capable of handling anything {because i'm still the strong person i've always been, i just need help sometimes}

don't google post partum depression or talk to "that one friend of yours" who has suffered from depression and assume you know what it's all about {chances are, i'm not fitting into that "definition" or "experience"}

don't think you're better than me {because you're not. we're all wired differently and can handle things differently. you're not better, you're different}

currently, i'm getting calls left and right from family members who are just "calling to see what's up" and just "checking on me". they're constantly asking if i'm going to therapy and if it's helping any. i'm bringing the kids over for a week while i work on a photoshoot and have decided to let them stay for an extra two weeks while i whip this house into perfect shape {cleaning their room, hanging stuff on walls, getting rid of a LOT of crap} and they call everyday to remind me that they're going to be over there for MY own good. i have people telling me NOT to take medications, but offering natural herbal stress remedies. they constantly ask and make remarks about things i'm not getting done and how i'll "be able to get it all done once the kids are gone".  the list goes on and on. and my sister better be glad i love her. because this is annoying.

i'm not crazy. i'm just a little "sick" {for lack of a better term}. taking the kids away doesn't solve anything. i'm getting the help i need and that works. now back the eff off and stop assuming you know what you're talking about. jerks.

wordless{ish} wednesday

RIGHT?!

lol

link up, yo.

aren't i too old for this?

 

shoot me in the face.

i'm 24 and have been battling an ear infection the last two days. talk about miserable. no wonder kids are virtually inconsolable when they have one. thankfully austin has only had one and bella hasn't had any. now i feel their pain and i pray to God they never have to deal with this. oh and me too. because i'm a big baby.

i feel like i'm deaf in one ear and just a few hours ago, it feel like it spread to my other ear. and if it has, i'm going to lose my mind!! i called to make an appointment with my PCM on tuesday but the soonest appointment is next week. WTF?! and i'm not doing another 6hr stint in the emergency waiting room with two babies by myself. nope, no sir. 

i've been trying some homeopathic remedies like breastmilk in the ear, hot compresses and they've helped. i'm about to try some garlic and olive oil too. but ibuprofen has been my saving grace. i take some every few hours and the pain goes away and i can function like a normal human again. 

and this morning, i yawned and felt like a stretching, pulling, painful sensation! wtheck was that?! i don't even know. but i'm going to lay down. will someone come punch me in the face so i can get distracted from this pain?

pretty please?

that one about resentment.

i spend a lot of my nights like this.

to say that i have been feeling a little ticked lately is an understatement. the only thing that keeps running through my brain is "it's not fair". it's not fair that he gets to sleep. it's not fair that i care so much about these kids. it's not fair that i have to try and figure out everything. it's not fair that i have to do a million things to contribute to the family and he only gets to do one. it's not fair that they won't let me work. it's not fair that they won't let me sleep. nothing is fair and that's just not fair.

oh yes. i'm whining. and i'm whining in a big big way.

when people ask me how i am or how are things...my answer is always, *small laugh and small eye roll/blink* "i'm just tired". and they usually laugh with me and we move onto the next topic. but they really don't know. or maybe they do. i'm not the only mom with two littles. i'm not the only person in the world who had kids back-to-back or amidst doing a million other things. i know i'm not the only one. and i know i don't have it as hard as some or as hard as i could have it.

you may have noticed that i have braids in my hair. i think my stress was making it fall out. that and the whole post-partum hair loss thingy. i would go to the bathroom to get ready and my hair would be all over the floor, sink, bathtub, etc. by the end of the morning. i mean it was a LOT of hair. i even noticed some thinning around my hairline. i can blame it on the chemicals, but honestly- it's stress. 

i feel so much pressure to be everything to everyone and perfect at it all. i feel like i can just power through it all and i'll get my reward. well, honey- i'm still waiting. sure- it's great to see how self-assured and attached my kidlets are. and a clean house, complete with freshly laundered clothes and a piping hot meal on the stove, makes me feel amazing. i can't lie- it does feel good. but i need a break. i need a vacation from my life. like i would KILL for one hour of time where i wasn't dealing with kids, the house, the hubs, school, photography, blogging, facebook/twitter/emails, etc. i just want to sit and BE.

*sigh* 

i don't hate my life. it's just hard sometimes when no one bothers to take care of me.

/whine.

somebody haaaaaaalp!

can you hear me screaming and pleading with the interwebz? because i am. lol someone please tell me what i can do....

my son is seventeen months old. he'll be eighteen months, a whole year and a half, in ten days. and i'm really excited. i've been looking forward to this age for quite awhile. but here's the thing: he doesn't talk. like still. he hasn't said one. single. word. other than dada, which isn't really a word. the thing is, he does communicate. sometimes pretty effectively. it's just that most of the time he is whining. and when i say whining friends, i mean that they could put him in a room with a hardened criminal and break that guy down after five minutes of austin's whining. it's just straight painful. and i'm totally unsure of what to do.

then there's the bellz. she really is great, unless she wants to be un-great...in which she is never satisfied. and usually it happens at the worst times. like when i'm cooking dinner or when i'm trying to put austin to bed or when i'm finally getting a few moments to myself or, my personal favorite, when i'm stuck in traffic and just can't pull over. for the most part she is content, but then when she's not....all hell breaks loose.

i know that right now my only job is to take care of these kiddos, but lately i'm feeling overwhelmed. can we just be honest here? taking care of kids is hard. yea, i'd definitely say it's a lot easier than being a work-outside-the-home mom. because i can't even imagine having to make sure i had childcare, enough milk, diaper bags packed and everything to go to work five (or more) days per week. i just can't. and i'm glad i don't have to.

part of me feels bad because i feel the need to take a few minutes to myself more often than not these days. with the husband working nights (6pm-6am), i'm literally on my own during the worst part of the day! i can handle daytimes- usually he's gone before we wake up and then he comes back shortly after naptime. but nights?! ugh. first austin cries when daddy leaves and then wants me to hold him. and then bella usually has to eat or needs some encouragement to go to sleep. and of course, my house is a wreck and it brings on anxiety if i don't clean it. and lately, they've been staying up until two or three in the morning...are you catching my drift? two under two is friggin hard.

ugh. but then i don't WANT to complain. because i know people who are trying to have kids. people who've lost children. people who just have it worse off than i do. and for the most part, i have nothing to complain about other than exhaustion. oh and feeling like a single parent (because dad sleeps most of the day anyway). i feel like i'm just losing my mind. like i'm just teetering on the edge of insanity and who knows when i'll just plunge over the side.

this post is really nothing more than a rant. if there's any advice out there, please give it. i'd gladly welcome anything. for now, i'm going to look at pictures that make me happy, get a coffee machine and start chugging on the caffeine several times a day just to make it. and of course, keep praying for strength, patience, and wisdom.

broken heart.

i'm incredibly upset. i haven't been this upset in a long time. i'm mad, disappointed, hurt, outraged, sad and broken. and i hope you'll bear with me as i try to explain.

i have a large family. well, on both sides it's large but i grew up with my mom's side of the family. my grandmother had eight children. i don't know exactly how many grandchildren she has, but i know austin and bella were her fifth and sixth great-grandchildren. and pretty much all of us have grown up together. for the most part, things have been great having a big family. the downside is mostly due to the fact that everyone knows everyone's business, nothing is sacred and you just can't be alone at all when you're "home".

when i was thirteen, i started realizing that i was different from the family. if i didn't look almost identical to my mother, i would've assumed i was adopted. i didn't think the same way. i didn't believe in the same things. i behaved differently. i questioned everything. i guess you could say i wasn't "drinking the kool-aid". and that made me the black sheep. i was constantly put down and belittled for being the odd one out. one big thing was that i was true to my emotions. i felt them. i lived them. but that wasn't allowed. oh true, people cried and got angry and were happy and what not. yes. but you weren't allowed to have an emotional reaction to something they considered "trivial". for example: my grandmother always cries over the littlest things. i remember she cried when i was cooking her famous macaroni and cheese. i can see why she was crying, but there really wasn't a reason to cry. i'm gracious when she cries. everyone else, puts her down and says she's overdramatic. another example: when i get overwhelmed, i tend to cry. my family has a tendency to jump down your throat for anything they disapprove of. so what did i do? i cried. i'm being overdramatic. you see what i mean?

anyway. i grew up feeling incredibly inadequate. they have a way of subtly making you feel like less than human. the phrase: "who do you think you are?" comes to mind. i was constantly told what i was good at and what i wasn't good at. not constructive criticism, mind you. but- "you're bad at such and such, so you shouldn't do it. but i think you're really good at this so you're gonna do it.". i don't know if that makes sense, but it does in my head. i didn't realize it at the time, but from ages 13-21 i felt like i wasn't worth very much [despite the fact i acted like my poo didn't stink] and i needed to please everyone and everything in order to be worth anything to anyone. it's no secret that i slept around a lot as a young adult. that's because i craved acceptance and i thought that i could get someone to "love me for me" by having sex with someone. i convinced myself that i was in control of the situation, but deep down i knew i wasn't. i also clung super tight to boyfriends and friends. they were the ones that accepted me so i hung on for dear life. and when i was dumped or cheated on or a friendship ended, i entered that downward spiral again.

i don't know what the trigger was, but i suddenly realized that i needed to be happy being me regardless of what everyone else thought. you always hear you can't have true love until you love yourself...and friends, that is true. but i didn't really understand it until it happened to me. and you know what i realized, the people that are most threatened by me are the ones that aren't okay with me thinking on my own and having my own opinions. the friends and boyfriends who don't like me, the family that puts me down and calls me selfish, isn't okay with me putting my own happiness before their own.

tonight i called my sister to celebrate a fitness milestone and i hear unrest and lots of screaming and yelling in the background. to make a long story short, my family is jumping hard on my sister and making her feel inadequate. it's nothing new. there's always drama with these people. but i'm sitting here listening to them put her down, begging her to put me on speaker phone so i can stand up for her, and having the picture come into a more clearer focus. she's currently home on summer vacation and she's all alone out there fighting off the wolves. and my heart shattered when i heard her say how unhappy she is, how alone she feels, and how they basically make her feel like she's worth nothing. it hurts so much because i can't be there to physically stand in her corner and tell them to back off. they are incredibly toxic and they don't even realize it. or maybe they do and they just don't care. i never wanted my sister to feel the way that i did growing up. i wish i could just make all of those feelings of inadequacy go away for her. i wish she knew her worth!

and it brings another picture into focus: how terrified i am of passing that on to my children. if you only knew how scared i am of making them feel the way i felt.... no one should ever feel like they're not worth anything. i'm so terrified that my kids will enter the world in search of something that i should've given them as their parent. i think about it all the time. when austin is crying over something seemingly meaningless, i remind myself that at that moment he is upset about something that is legitimate to him and i should address it. i pray pray pray to God that i don't keep passing the emotional abuse down the line. and i pray that my sister finds the strength to believe in herself and not let these toxic people, blood or not, ruin her.

i ♥ you sissy.

Here's why I'm *NOT* freaking out..

So I'm doing my mindless zoning out of facebook and I start to see people freaking out about how they're no longer a "Gemini" or a "Scorpio" and it's all changed now! AND ZOMG! Who am I REALLY now?

If you haven't heard, yours might've changed. Mine....in case you're wondering...didn't.

And to be quite honest...who CARES?!

Yes, it is fun to see who you're compatible with or get love/work/money advice from your daily newspaper. But FRIENDS. Honestly...how many of you actually follow your zodiac all insane-like? If you did, then you'd know that the ones they put out for the general populace are so generic. Don't believe me? Read every single sign OTHER than yours first and see how many similarities you can find. If this was all true, I'd be a big ole' mix of zodiac goodness because I have several traits from several signs.


Here, let CNN explain it to ya some more. Yes, friends. CNN is getting in on this ridiculousness.

People are SERIOUSLY having mass existential crisises [crisee?] over this nonsense. $20 says in a few days, after they've worked the frenzy into mass hysteria, they'll say it was all a hoax. And even if it IS real.. here's what you should know [and remember].

If you want REAL guidance and REAL understanding...go to God. Read your Bible. Talk to a trusted elder within your churches. Don't pick up the newspaper and assume that Johnny Zodiac has an IN on your life because he can type what he reads in some hokey horoscope book. You are who you are...maybe that's affected by where the sun and moon was located in the heavens when you were born...but more than likely it's a healthy combo of where you grew up, how you grew up, and who you were around...nature vs nurture and all that good junk. I am Kiranda. Always have been, always will be...

and if someone tells me I'm suddenly a capricorn..I'm still keeping my virgo tattoo. ;]

head. ache. like WHOA.

i have a headache. :(

it's a familiar head pounding that i get after dealing with my extended family. yes, i know. aNOTHER post about how my family pretty much sucks balls. yes. i apologize. you can leave if you want. i won't be bothered. i just need to write, and write NOW.

what is it this time?

the same argument over how "i don't know the military/life/etc.", "how i'm horrible for thinking of my little family first", and other such annoying topics.

i will be the first to admit that all i know about the army can fit on the head of a pin, with room to spare. but i can guarantee that it is more than what these lunatics assume they know. twenty years and different branches can change a LOT regarding policies. not only that, when i've asked ten people a question and get the exact same answer each time, i'm inclined to believe that's the answer. but oh no...if these crazies ask you what two plus two is and you say four, they'll automatically assume you're trying to pull a fast one on them. NEWSFLASH: not everyone is out to get you or fool you! you are not that special. i certainly don't think i'm that special. think i'm joking? I WISH I WERE.

some of them really have nerve. they told me, [because my answer to their questions wasn't what they wanted to hear], my husband must not be telling me the truth. um REALLY? well. not only do i KNOW he is, if he wasn't for some odd reason...i would find out with such a quickness, he wouldn't be able to formulate the coverup well enough. let's be honest here. i research EVERYTHING. it's really a bad habit. but it's useful. therefore, when someone tells me something. i formulate a plan and research every option. so i would know. okaaaaay. [excuse my thirteen year old flashback just now]

they are honestly, the only people in this world that i've ever met, who believe that you grow up, get married, and then proceed to treat your marriage and your children as second priority to the family you grew up in. did that make sense? case in point: due to unfortunate circumstances, charlie couldn't go to spokane for christmas. i decided to stay with him because it was our son's first christmas and i didn't want to separate my son and his father for the occasion. they HONEST-TO-GOODNESS thought this was horrible of me. never mind that i've spent 3 of 5 christmas holidays away from them so they should be used to this kind of thing. it's not as if they haven't had since 2005 to get used to the fact that "kiranda doesn't live here anymore". and i'm even MORE horrible when i won't cave to their wants and wishes above my husband/childs's. just because they all did it, i'm supposed to as well. maybe that's why all of the marriages in my family have suffered. hmm.

i shake my bewildered head.

is it any surprise that i stay away as much as possible? i've spent so many years bending over backwards and making myself depressed and sick trying to please them only to be told over and over again that i'm not good enough and always mess things up. because i finally got an inkling of a backbone and have decided that KIRANDA [after charlie and A & B] is my first priority and that doing what is best for KIRANDA [and charlie and A & B] is the only way to achieve true happiness...i am now a horrid person. "it's all about kiranda" is their new mantra. it's cute, really. because yes, it IS all about what's going on over here. THIS life that *I* have created is the most important thing to me right now and that will, hopefully, never change.

seriously. their madness is contagious. so i'm keeping a safe distance and arming myself with face masks and hand sanitizer for austin's birthday party. because it just might be a wild explosion of psychoticness when we go over there.

pray for me. :(

why pregnancy, rain, slick tires, and idiot drivers don't mix.

My loyal blog readers, I'm writing this after having spent the entire. freaking. day. in the emergency room. Why? You ask? Because I was honestly worried about Baby B's safety after the anxiety/hysteria inducing almost accident of last night.

Where to start? From the beginning, I suppose.

My girlfriends and I were getting together for another CFK hoorah at Lauren's house. I was on my way into town and it was raining pretty steadily. Not hard, just annoying rain...the same ole rain that plagues the Pacific Northwest over 200 days a year on average. You would think that since people have come to accept that it rains a lot over here, they'd be pros at driving in the rain. Welp. That assumption is W-R-O-N-G with a capital dubya.

I had just hung up the phone with my friend Susan, confirming that I would be swooping her up in the downtown area in roughly fifteen minutes. No worries friend. I did this all with my hands-free device and both hands firmly on the wheel, so I was practicing safe communicating/driving. So there I am, driving along, Mariah Carey had decided to play on my Pandora station, but I was concentrating on the road as it had gotten more congested and it was slightly downhill.

I'm doing 65-70mph. Keeping up with traffic.

To my right, about 2-5 inches in front of me, there is a silver car.

All of a sudden, without ANY warning whatsoever, he swerves in front of me.

My heart sunk to my butt and I gasped for air. My foot slams on the brake. The tires [oh so slick, might I add] start sliding. The combination of water from the air, oil from the road, virtually no tread left, and the high speed was far too much for my poor, poor tires and they start to squeal. LOUDLY.

I'm gripping the wheel with all of my might and focusing on keeping it still and out of the way of the idiot driver. We coasted down this hill for at LEAST 20-30 feet with my riding his tail and just BARELY not hitting him when I hit a patch of water [I assume, because I didn't turn the wheel] and the car was thrown into the HOV lane. My head processed it before the words could come out, but I prayed that no one was in the lane.

Thankfully no one was.

And thankfully I didn't hit the cement barrier.

My car slowed down and I was able to get control over the death machine I was in. I've never cried out for Jesus that much in my life. I was shaking and crying so hard, it's a miracle I made it off the freeway without freaking out.

I really don't know how I didn't end up hurt. I was going fast. He was going fast. And being an idiot. And had we hit, it would've been horrible. Other cars would've been involved. I hope that guy changes his driving style because he could've seriously hurt people last night. I know it was the hand of God carrying my car and steering that wheel last night. And I am eternally grateful to know I was able to go see my friends and come home to my husband and son and still carry Baby B.

Which brings me to why I was at the ER all day. Directly after, I had some sharp pains in my cervix and some cramping. The sharp ones went away but the cramps kept on all night. I even had some contractions in the wee hours of the morning. I called my doctor and ended up only talking to the OB nurse who told me to go to the ER. So I went.

I had the whole shebang. IV, blood drawn, vag exam, and even *gasp* ULTRASOUND! I couldn't print out the pictures, but they let me snap a few on my iPhone.

neat-o, right?

HOWEVER...

They were willing to try and look at the gender, despite the horrid quality of the portable machine. But Baby B was a little stubborn and kept his/her legs tightly closed throughout the entire ultrasound. BOO. 

So it looks like we're still waiting 15 days [or less] to see Baby B's wittle private parts. 

I'm hoping that since A's *ahem* stuff *cough* was so big he never closed his legs...that this is an indicator of a little baby girl. lol. Who's with me?

All in all...I'm okay. Still crampy, but okay. Baby B is great. Stubborn, but great. I'm scared to death of driving now. And I wasted an entire day in the ER. Well, I *did* get to see my little stubborn, modest B.

I.AM.BE.YOND.MAD.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't seem to be able to please this guy. And I'm on the verge of telling him to stop acting like a freakin priss and get off my balls.

But I don't have balls.

Long story short- in class today I had a panic attack. I stayed for as long as I could. Longer than humanly possible even. Longer than this douchebag would've...because let's be real...he could NOT handle what I was just feeling. He'd run around screaming for attention. In any case, I finally walked out because I felt like I was about to vomit if I stayed longer. I couldn't breathe. My chest was seizing up on me. I tried everything I could think of [other than plopping a squat on the floor] to make the anxiety go away but nothing worked.

So I ran out.

I stood in a window in just my tanktop. I breathed slowly and deeply until the tightness went away. I put my head down. I lied down. I splashed water on my face. I did a bunch of things and finally I felt somewhat better.

I called my friend who calmed me down a bit more and she gave me advice on what to do and how to approach the teacher. I went back into the room ready to face the lions. [Because, did I mention this teacher likes to teach by shame and humiliation?Splendid]

Class ended as soon as I walked in and rather than act like an adult and privately speak to me about what happened, he LOUDLY asked why I ran out of class. In front of everyone. I'm not a very shy person for the most part and had nothing to be ashamed of anyway so I told him. I had an anxiety attack. I told him what I thought could be the culprit, but I also know it's a combination of things. If he hadn't started talking over me and trying with all his might to embarrass me by saying "it's not his fault" and "he can't do anything about it" and "i need to take a xanax before the next class"...then he might've heard all of those reasons.

But instead he chose to be an ass.

I don't know what to do. I've attempted to complain about another faculty member before only to be told that I'm stuck with her as a teacher for my ENTIRE senior year. NEVERMIND that I've sacrificed the last three years with her, I need to do it again. Oh, but these brand spankin new freshmen who haven't even done ANYTHING with their lives, music or talent...they get the new teacher. The one I DESERVE.

Obviously, I'm a little pissed at this entire school today.

And to make matters worse...my chest still fucking burns.

Save Me.

I think part of the reason I haven't been around much lately is due to the fact that I find that I rarely have anything positive to report. Yes, Austin is being amazing and growing and thriving at such a rapid pace...I'm having a hard time keeping up with all of his new developments. It's a lot of fun to watch though..my little baby turning into a big boy every day, several times a day.

But even his awesomeness is darkened by how unhappy I feel every day, several times a day. Just when I think I'm surfacing from amidst this rocky, turbulent ocean, I'm dragged right back under by mean words, hurtful actions, and just plain ole' asshole-ness.

I don't WANT to be a negative nancy. I don't WANT to dwell on how many times a day I think about just leaving. I don't WANT to whine, bitch and moan over how unfair all of this is, but I really am at my wits end. It's hard to smile around this place. It's hard to have any happy moments that are left untarnished. But grief is like a horrible cloud of destruction and it's leaving a mess as it rolls through my house.

What's even worse is that my innocent, sweet babe is starting to take notice. On several occasions, he's started crying or looked terrified whenever there's turbulence in the air. I can't even beGIN to explain how much that rips my heart into pieces. I've been that child and it's not fair, nor is it right in any sense of the word. I can't count how many times I've shut my mouth or retreated [even when I had no other reason to] when I see it starting to take a toll for the worse.

I don't know when my breakthrough is coming, but I'm hoping it's soon. I don't know how long I can hold my breath. I've never been a good swimmer anyway.

ugh.

i'm having another one of those, "yo..didn't *I* say that" moments.

i just really hate copycats. i really do. i wonder...do you have an original bone in your body?

it's like this. i KID. YOU. NOT.

me: "i don't like cheese."
sonso: "i don't like cheese either."
me: "i'm left handed."
sonso: "i'm left handed too." [which they aren't.]
me: "i have small toes."
sonso: "i have small toes too." [which they don't.]
me: "i don't get along with my family."
sonso: picks fight with family over nothing, "i don't get along with my family either."
me: "i'm lactose intolerant."
sonso: "i hate milk."
me: "i'm doing this"
sonso: "i'm doing that too"

i could elaborate, but it's far too early right now. and i'm trying to keep my negativity down to a minimum.

something about not saying anything if you have nothing nice to say....

goodnight.

why I love attachment parenting so much.

Before I even know APing even existed, I knew I wanted to do it when I had kids. See, it's been pointed out to me [several times, actually] that I have issues. And that's all fine and dandy .I recognize all of this and have struggled with "do I actually go see someone or should I stick with what's been working so far?"...I don't know. I guess you readers can be the judge of that.

I'm not here to tell you that CingIO and Ferberizing and all other variations of it are going to ruin your child. I'm not here to tell you to do things that will make you pull your hair out [like holding a screaming/thrashing child to the point that YOU are screaming/thrashing along with him]. I'm not here to tell you how to do a darn thing. But I will tell you this: As a person who's entire family believes that children AREN'T human beings and therefore, don't require much care and compassion or sensitivity, it can have dramatic effects on their lives.

I don't even think they realize that they do it. But in my experience, I felt like a second class citizen in my own home from the time I could formulate an opinion until I literally ran for the hills and disappeared into Seattle. And even today, I feel like they just don't see me as a person. Emotions are not okay in my family. Unless the occasion calls for it. IE: Funerals, weddings, graduations, etc. Showing weakness is another one of those things. Nope. You have to be strong. In my Psychology of the Artistic Self class, we're talking about the effects of your life on your art. One thing we was discussing today was how artists tend to be more sensitive than most people. This isn't everyone, but a good portion of the majority. Emotions run deep with artists. If you don't believe me, just look around. Since I'm one of the few true artists within my immediate family [this includes grandparents and aunts and uncles because I was surrounded by them], I find that I am a pretty emotional and sensitive person. When I feel an emotion it tends to consume me and I won't let go of it until I'm done experiencing it. And I tend to feel an emotion rather easily.

Because of this, I am labeled as a drama- queen. Whatever. That's fine. But that doesn't mean that my emotions are any less real because you don't understand why I'm feeling that way.

Another thing I've noticed is that my family is, honestly, full of mindless drones. If the majority feel that something should be a certain way, they all do it that way. Really..it's kinda scary. I'm the one who always asks "WHY?" And because I ask questions, formulate educated/and sometimes uneducated opinions that are more than likely on the other end of  the spectrum from them....I'm wrong. Not only am I wrong...but I'm stupid, an idiot, I don't know anything, and "when you fail, I'm going to tell you I told you so". I've gotta say, doesn't that make you want to trust them with your deepest darkest secrets and fears?! *shakeshead*

I got into YET ANOTHER screaming match with my mother. Looking back, I'm not even sure what it was about, but we got on the subject of nurturing. Quite honestly, I don't feel as if I've ever been nurtured. When I skinned my knee, it was dusted off and I was waved away. When I got my heartbroken, I was told to suck it up and stop crying over boys. When I struggled with an eating disorder, I was told to go eat. Whenever I cry, I'm told that I'm too emotional and a drama-queen. You see what I mean? No nurturing that I can ever recall. I wish I could get my point across when I say this: I am so desperate for a nurturing person in my life. I would kill for someone to just care, to just listen, and to not judge me or call me names or put me down. When I make a mistake, hurt myself, or fall flat on my face, I would love it if I was scooped up and had my hair smoothed back while they hugged me and told me it was going to be okay.

No matter what. No matter how they felt about me or the situation. No matter how much they have going on in their lives. They'd drop everything in that instant and be there for me. I crave that more than you know.

Instead of repeating this sad cycle with my own child, I'm changing it NOW. I won't smother him. I won't force him to be attached to me. But when he is crying or upset, I'll be there. No matter how I might feel, no matter how tired I am, no matter how angry I am that he is screaming and crying and won't lay down or won't eat or won't whatever...I will be there.

I'm not going to lie, I cringe a little every time I hear about someone letting their child CIO. Let me say: I am not judging you nor do I think you're a horrible person who is setting your child up for issues down the road. There are plenty of well adjusted people who don't have any issues from what their parents did when they were babies. I'm just telling you my story. I'm telling you why I can't just leave him crying. Even if I have to sit there and numb all of my senses and just rock and rock and shh and soothe him the only way I know how...I just can't. I never want him to feel as if I wasn't there for him.

Ugh. IDK why I even posted this. Sorry...

I GIVE UP!

I hate fighting with my mom. But she likes to start fights with me. And tonight is no different.

Show of hands: how many people are surprised that I don't do what others want me to do and tend to follow the beat of my own drum?

*looks around*

Yea...I'm not surprised either!

Sure, I've ended up skinning my knees and knocking my head against familiar walls but I wouldn't trade my life for anything. Not only have I met some awesome people and created one heck of a cool son [and i'm sure this bean inside me will be JUST as awesome], but I've just enjoyed the ride..really I have. There's been heartbreak, but it hasn't stopped me from loving with all of my heart. There's been lies, but it hasn't stopped me from trusting...[even if it's just a little bit].

But every time I make a decision that doesn't align exactly with what she wants, she tells me: "Well you're gonna do whatever you want and WHEN it fails, I'll be here to tell you that I was right."

She doesn't even give me a chance.

And really, there've only been a handful of times when things have gone wrong but hardly ever because of the reason she believes it would. Make sense?

IE: She didn't want me to go to Cornish because my goal of being a musician was a bit too lofty. 3 years into it, they finally believe in me. Well now that I don't want to go there anymore, she says, "I told you so". Well, the only reason I hate going is because I have to put A and my life at home on the back burner. Not because my goal is too hard. I shake my head.

In any case....I'm just tired of being told that I'm stupid and I'm not good enough and that I'm always going to fail. I don't know why I keep going back for her approval and leaving with my head hung low feeling like a horrible person. I don't know why I'm always surprised when she acts the way she does....she's been doing it all of my life....but I always am.

I think the straw that broke my back was when she called me a bad mother because I believe in making sure I'm happy and stable so my kids can benefit from that kind of mother. Because the only way I can be a good mother is if I'm suffering.... I shake my head.


**EDIT: Let me just say...I understand she wants what's best for me. That's what any mother wants for their kids. I'm no different. But I praypraypray that if A and B [and any other children I have] ever need me to be supportive, even when I don't fully agree, that I'll just be what they need. I'm not asking her to always agree with me. I'm a pretty great kid and I know I've been a great daughter. Even with the choices I've made, I'm still "successful"- for lack of a better word-...she when will she start trusting me?**

i'm blogging to keep from screaming...

I'm a pretty sensitive girl. Not emotionally [although that is also true], but my senses are really sensitive. Like I have bionic hearing and sense of smell. It's crazy. And just the lightest touch can feel good or painful. [sidenote: I'm noticing that I'm pretty extreme overall] Pregnancy is only making this sensitivity worse.

My husband is eating some of the delishus [yes...delishus] pizza we just ordered tonight from Dominos. It really is good. And I can hear EVERY. SINGLE. BITE. AND CHEW. HE'S. MAKING.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh.

If there's one thing I hate...it's when I can hear you chewing. Oh, and when people breathe through their mouths. I guess that's not one thing. But I digress....

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?! I HATEHATEHATE when I can hear people chewing. OMG. It drives me bonkers. I'm actually going to go to my bedroom and go to bed after posting this because I can hear it no matter where I go. The way our house is set up the kitchen, living room and dining room are all in close proximity. The bedrooms and bathrooms are down a hall. In order to escape the loud chewing and swallowing and saliva sounds, I have to go down the hall.

ARGH!

goodnight.

okay, so seriously...

I'm watching The View and they're commenting on parents and children kissing on the lips.

They're also commenting on parents bathing with their children.

Regarding the first.

Austin and I kiss. 

Austin and Charlie kiss. 

Sometimes Austin gives tongue. In no way is it hot. lol

It's really slobbery, actually. 

[is slobbery a word?]

For as long as he'll let me, I will kiss my kid. If you think it's inappropriate, get outta here! 

Regarding the second.

I bathe with Austin. Charlie hates baths. My mom and sister and I took baths together up until I was at LEAST 8...I think we even did a few times when I was 12. 

We only stopped because we all got too big for sharing the bath!

When Austin is old enough to recognize that his body parts are different from mommy's...

then we'll stop doing that.

Over all.

I think people, adult people, are perverted.

How do you take something that is filled with innocence and turn it into a sex-charged thing?

Nothing about Austin or other children triggers sexual feelings, so why are you ruining moments with my child by adding your perverted two cents. 

True, no one has said anything to me personally, but I'm sure at some point it'll happen. 

Especially since I'm still breastfeeding and my kid knows where the food comes from.

The masses never cease to amaze me with their stupidity. 

I'm off my soapbox now. 

REALLY? for REAL?

I know he didn't just say that.

No..he mustn't have just said that. You see, because if he DID say that- I'd be slapping him from here until next Thursday.

For some odd reason, my husband seems to think that my job/lifestyle is cush...as in easy peasy. How can it NOT be, right? I mean, I wake up whenever I feel like it, I lounge around on the couch, eating friggin bon bons, visiting with my girlfriends...Austin naps pretty much all day and only wakes up when I want to play with him...I pretty much do whatever I feel like doing on any given day.

Yea. RIGHT! *scoffs*

This dude [my husband] has actually had his head up his ass lately. I mean, so far up his ass lately. He's been saying the most outlandish things ever. IE: yesterday, when I finally decided to take a KIRANDA day and just spend time playing with Austin, napping, catching up on DVR,blogs, and facebook instead of unpacking and cleaning like I'd been doing all week long, he says to me, "Do you think you could, like, put something away tomorrow?" LIKE I HADN'T MOVED OUR FREAKING HOUSE ALL WEEK. LIKE I HADN'T BEEN DOING JUST THAT ALL FRIGGIN WEEK. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

And, oh yea, it's ALWAYS my fault when he can't find something. Nevermind the fact that I ALWAYS put things where they're supposed to go [cause I'm OCD like that] and he is constantly moving things around. Yes, when he can't find the dish sponge or his registry papers or his checkbook...it's MY fault. Wanna know why? [and i quote]: "Because you just threw things into boxes..."

uhhhhhhm. REALLY, dude? REALLY? Not ONCE did he lift a finger to help me pack before we got keys to this place. Not ONCE did he help organize things into boxes while we were moving. NOPE. True, he moved things and did a great job cleaning the house after we were all moved, but he did NOTHING in regards to getting things into containers over here. When I point out that things are just scattered around, it's suddenly my fault. OH- I'M SORRY, OH PERFECT ONE, THAT I DIDN'T DO IT ACCORDING TO YOUR SPECIFIC DIRECTIONS!!!

This blog has been building in me all friggin day, but I finally had to just vent it all out when he told me that he had $300 extra in his account. The money was going to go to pay Equity [housing] the $272 we owe them for moving out costs. Well instead, he spent $150 of it to buy his license so he can work outside of the army as a civilian rad tech. I asked him why he couldn't just wait until the 1st when he got paid. He said he needed to do it as soon as possible. Well we also need to pay Equity as soon as possible. He said he didn't understand why I was bitching. I said I didn't want to have to deal with Equity and their bull since I was the one who'd have to answer for not paying until payday. He then said, get this, well you're not paying for it, are you?

REALLY?! REALLY? ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?!

I will GLADLY go to work. GLADLY. Last time I checked, I WAS working full time when YOU SIR decided you wanted to have a baby. YOU begged ME to have your kid. And yes, I love him so much it hurts. But I was supporting myself before you and him. I'm at home because it's best for our family not because I'm lazy. I LIKE making my own money and whenever our kid[s] are old enough, I'm going back to make my own money. I have career aspirations too. They're just slowly coming to fruition because we wanted a family. If you want [stealing this from Leslie] you can pay me for all that I do around here: babysitting, maid services, dry cleaning service, personal [short order] cook, and escort services. Then you'd see how much money you're saving by being married to a woman like me.

Because while you're absolutely gorgeous and women go nuts over you, they definitely don't want to deal with all the bullshit that comes after you get out of bed.

Totally In Bad Taste

I'm having a moment over here. This is truly an unattractive moment, and the only reason I'm allowing myself to even HAVE this moment is because I'm in my early twenties. Sure, that's not a good excuse. But DAMMIT- I'm using it. I'm telling you know, if you hate negativity and downright ridiculousness- see your way out now. I won't be offended.

This chick that used to be one of my husband's "flings" just PCSed here to JBLM. She's horribly plain, borderline ugly, and totally ghetto. She joined the military at an old age due to the fact that it took her FOREVER to graduate high school. Apparently, the only reason C was even into her in the first place was her large rack. Well whoopty doo- chick has boobs. Ugh. Whatever.

Now during the time when we were just dating, she started talking massive ish to him so I got on Myspace [totally mature, dontcha know] and "told her off" with as much force as you can get through a social networking site. I told her to back off and she started talking shit! I was like, "Really?" So in not so nice terms as sweetly as possible, I told her to back off or I'd beat her ass when I got to Texas she'd be sorry. Well she apparently didn't get the memo and continued to randomly call my husband. So not cool.

I didn't know she was still doing it so when we were down in Texas, he gets a phone call. He takes it in the other room. He's not slick. I know what's going on. He doesn't want me to start flipping out. [Because when I flip, it's not pretty] Afterwards he tells me who it was and tries to pacify my anger by explaining that he doesn't even respond to her anymore and that this call was the first time he'd talked to her in awhile. OH. HELL. NO. I don't even care. I call her back and tell her to stop calling my husband, I don't care if you just wanted to see what's up- it's rude to call someone's husband when you know it's inappropriate to begin with. And if she did it again, she'd regret it.

So I thought I was finally rid of this ass muncher. BUT OH NO- All friggin supply people MUST pcs to JBLM after AIT. Really?! REALLY?! Are you F*CKING kidding me?! Ugh. Now this little skank is here. And she's a single soldier so she lives near here. On her fb page she's always talking about running around the airfield like she's hoping to run into my husband because he sometimes runs around there. [MATTER OF FACT: I THINK HE'S DOING HIS PT THERE THIS MORNING. WTFACK!] Let me put it this way, if I see the skank- call the MPs. I'm beating her down. With or without provocation. I don't like women who try to mess with anyone's husband, let alone stupid little girls who try to mess with mine. That's the quickest way to get punched in the face.

And in case you're curious, I have no trust issues with my husband. lol I just don't like that he picked such LOSERS to fool around with when he was younger.

I'm a Judger. And I'm Judging You..

I'm going to try to curb the negativity after this post. I actually get pretty irritated with myself when I look back at my blog and see nothing but negativity. Ugh. I know no one wants to read that and I should just create an entirely different blog for my rants and raves. What say you?

I have a facebook. I post there. Yesterday, I posted this:

I'm hoping that by me being so open about breastfeeding around my younger cousins (boys and girls) , they'll have a positive opinion about it and maybe they'll be supportive of it when they have children.

What I was saying was that because the women in my family either decided not to breastfeed or chose to formula feed after a few weeks there haven't been any real positive breastfeeding role models around here. And the little boys and girls, that are ages 12 and under, see breasts as merely a taboo [sexual] thing. This thought came to me as I was breastfeeding Austin on the couch without a cover and they crowded around me. They were asking questions about why he eats that way and how long he'd eat that way, etc. One little boy actually said, after I'd explained everything, that he was going to have his wife breastfeed his baby for ten years or something like that. It was cute. I started thinking how great it felt to shed a positive light on the subject since no one else was doing it. And I'm hoping that when they become mothers and fathers, they'll at least consider it. If they don't, *shrugs* okay. But at least they won't say no because "boobies are for pleasure, not food".


As usual, I got a few supportive comments. I just love my crunchy mamas! And also, as usual- there was one girl who didn't agree with what I said. This was her response.


just beacause people dont choose to breastfeed doesnt mean they have a negative opinion and dont support it... lol :)




uhm...I'm almost POSITIVE that I didn't say that if you don't breastfeed, you're not supportive. No, check that..I know for a FACT that was not what I had said. So I addressed it and this is what I said.


‎@cassandra-No one said that at all. For as much negativity you bring on here it seems like you feel judged by those of us who've chosen differently. No one is judging you. And I don't believe that if you choose not to then you're not supportive.

My younger cousins have been taught (by unsupportive people) that boobs are purely sexual. And I'm glad to be changing that view so that they can decide for themselves. I don't want them to believe that they (or they're wives) shouldn't breastfeeding because boobs are sexual.


To which she responded.


lol that because you judge Kiranda! you totally judge people who dont choose to do what you think is best. you talk down on people who didnt breastfeed by choice or by "not being informed" go back and read some of your own stuff . either way its a CHOICE and a personal one at that. ur statement above to me sounds like ur saying that people who dont do it are wrong or that if they dont make that choice there wrong and just like people shouldnt shove formula in ur breastfeeding kit shoving it in ur face people should RESPECT some ones choice to not do it cause when you choose not to alls people do is shove breasfeeding down your throat EVERYWHERE you go every appt to anything everywhere! its annoying.... so whateve ill not comment on your status anymore my bad (thats only what there for yaknow)




*le sigh* I was going to write a comment, but I figured I'd save my breath for the blog. I have like ZERO energy to keep fighting this girl. I think it's time I "keep it real".


I don't "judge" you unless you choose not to feed your child. That is the only time I think you're horrible. I shake my head at your lame excuses reasons for not breastfeeding. Especially when you either gave up without trying or it became hard. Especially when you look at me and say, "I wish I could've breastfed." Uhm..you could've. But that's another story... If you've read anything that I write and feel like I'm "judging you"...maybe it's less about me and more about the fact that you feel guilty. I don't know and I, frankly, don't care.


My status above was saying one thing and because of her own insecurity on the subject, she decides to lash out. This is not a new thing. Whenever I say anything related to my parenting choices, she has something negative to say. And the only reason I haven't removed her is because my other friends are quick to educate. We need that other voice in there to get the conversations started. But she's a nitpicker, an agitator, and a drama starter. And it's old.


Let me clarify: Your choice is your choice. It is WRONG to label a kit full of formula as "BREASTFEEDING RESOURCES" because that's not what it is. And why is breastfeeding "shoved" in your face, because it is best. Try to argue with me on that one and you WILL lose. Quickly, even.


And you can remove yourself because I've got over 800 friends..I will NOT miss you, chick.


So if it helps you sleep at night and ease your own guilt, yes- I'm judging you.