the misconceptions

it's no secret that the last few months have been inCREDibly hectic. lots of ups and downs, so many things going on, nothing really ever settling down...it's enough to drive someone like me a little bat sh*t crazy.

a few weeks ago, my sister was here in town and despite a great weekend, i was in the midst of a serious dark depression storm. i couldn't shake this horrid way i was feeling and even when doing fun things, i felt slightly "out of it". on friday night, my sister and Charlie went out to Seattle to hang out with one of our cousins. they partied it up and i received lots of interesting drunk texts. i knew i would be on "chub-duty" {as well call it around here} and had been mentally preparing for it all day. i was proactive, or so i thought, and kept with our usual routine: dinner and baths at 8, warm bottles and baby massages and in bed by 9. the night was going well. until it wasn't.

austin didn't want to go to bed. he played and played. he read books and watched tv and played on the ipad. sometime around 12:30am, he passed out. bella woke up around 1am. and she. wouldn't. go. back. to. sleep. normally, it wouldn't bother me. but bella isn't the easiest toddler. austin is able to entertain himself for HOURS with minimal help on my part. bella, on the other hand....nahsomuch.
i had to hold her and rock her. and give her milk. and sing to her. and snuggle her. but none of it is enough. she cried. and cried. AND CRIED. for hours. after the first five or so hours, my patience had run out. i wasn't happy. i was tired, miserable, cranky...my ears were shot. i had had it up to HERE and that point had LONG been gone. i. was. DONE.

i sent a text to charlie {i have no recollection of sending this, really.} essentially saying that if he didn't hurry back, i was going to rip her throat out because i had had enough. unfortunately, charlie was too drunk to drive home. so i had to deal.

after that weekend, that suffocatingly dark weekend, both charlie and my sister were worried. this was the first time they had ever seen me this low. my sister continued on with her vacation and proceeded to tell everyone in spokane {my family} about what had happened over the weekend. and you can guess how rumors start flying and why i'm writing this post.


++ while PPD affects everyone differently, my experience isn't like theirs. nor is their experience like mine. i can only tell you how *I'M* affected and how *I'M* dealing ++

 i don't want to harm my children.
i don't want to harm myself.
i'm not crazy. or maybe i am, but i'm not psychotic.
i'm dealing. the best way i know how.
  i don't wallow in self-pity every single day.
and yes, i do still love my children.
and yes, i do still want to be a mother.
and yes, i do still want MORE children.

don't call me everyday "just to say hey" {when really you're just checking on me}
don't offer to take my kids for a few weeks {because that doesn't SOLVE the problem. it temporarily removes to the problem}
don't look at me that way {like i said, i'm not psychotic}
don't assume you know how i'm feeling {ASK. because it changes every day, several times a day}
don't act like i'm not capable of handling anything {because i'm still the strong person i've always been, i just need help sometimes}
don't google post partum depression or talk to "that one friend of yours" who has suffered from depression and assume you know what it's all about {chances are, i'm not fitting into that "definition" or "experience"}
don't think you're better than me {because you're not. we're all wired differently and can handle things differently. you're not better, you're different}

currently, i'm getting calls left and right from family members who are just "calling to see what's up" and just "checking on me". they're constantly asking if i'm going to therapy and if it's helping any. i'm bringing the kids over for a week while i work on a photoshoot and have decided to let them stay for an extra two weeks while i whip this house into perfect shape {cleaning their room, hanging stuff on walls, getting rid of a LOT of crap} and they call everyday to remind me that they're going to be over there for MY own good. i have people telling me NOT to take medications, but offering natural herbal stress remedies. they constantly ask and make remarks about things i'm not getting done and how i'll "be able to get it all done once the kids are gone".  the list goes on and on. and my sister better be glad i love her. because this is annoying.

i'm not crazy. i'm just a little "sick" {for lack of a better term}. taking the kids away doesn't solve anything. i'm getting the help i need and that works. now back the eff off and stop assuming you know what you're talking about. jerks.

1 comment:

  1. great post!

    new follower :)



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