i miss it here

we survive the end of the world // merry christmas // happy new year // austin is turning 3 // bella is turning 2 // charlie is moving to north carolina // so many changes..so many new things happening. so much reflection.

but i can't write. i don't know what to say or where to start.

i miss blogging terribly. i end up keeping a lot inside because i'm not writing it all here. i think i'm scared. or just too exhausted. but i miss it so.

i'm still dangling and floating in mid-air. and while sometimes it's refreshing, sometimes it feels like i'll never re-attach to anything and find purpose.

let's face it. life is grand. overall. i don't have much to complain about these days. but tonight i'm feeling heavy. i'm feeling burdened. i'm feeling like when people yell at me, i shut down. and i'm currently completely closed off because i don't know how to make others happy, yet still maintain a complete sense of self.

*sigh*
g'night.

word vomit

tired. stressed. mind-racing. afraid. new. change. hate. excited. anxious. happy. interested. confused. angry. resigned. defeated. alive. trusting. scared. faith. new chapter. new leaf. new chance. letting go. holding on. in between. unmoving. need a sign. need to pray. a lot. yet nothing at all. juggling. too much. not enough. lethargic. depressed. hopeful. photos. work. music. creating. artistic. brave. yet still scared. over the moon. elated. shy. nervous. originals. gigs. networking. musicians. photography. captured. love. new friends. purpose. hope. family. friends. lovers. heartbreak. freedom. tattoos. self expression. badass. beer. food. fires. scarves. melodies. familiar. cold. expensive. talking. toddlers. new ideas. new words. more communication. less needy. more independent. fun. exhausted. insomnia. melatonin. new best friend. trusty sidekick. pretty girls. character. principle. strong. unrelenting. faith.

...that's all i can manage.

for now...

oh hai.

hey guys! i'm still here. i'm just CRAAAAAAAY busy lately. even when i have "nothing to do", there's always something to do. and there's just a lot of LIFE happening these days.

kids are growing, music is being created, holiday plans are in full swing, we're contemplating moving to another complex, i'm contemplating picking up a little part time job, trying to get more serious about photography {i've been really blah about it since moving to texas}.....on and on and on.

and with the weather changing and the time change, i'm feeling a little less "on top of things".

i feel more exhausted and more on edge when it comes to anxiety and depression.

but that's another story for another time.

i'm GOING to do some blogging. but if you just neeeeeeed to see what i've been up to lately,

hit up the instragram. there's a link to your right. -------->>> that way.

and add me on fb! {kiranda mays...the one and only}. 

and i occasionally tweet. 

miss you. love you.

be back soon.

xx

so. true.

i am currently 1 day before period. 

sorry everyone.

2-5, baby.

ninety minute massages by cute guys named ryan are a PERF way to start your birthday.

also? red pants make you feel super sassy.

and then getting tatted up makes you feel a bit reckless.

the moment i turned 25 for real.

bleeding love. *snicker*

dinner with the besties!

the morning after. 

this is what 25 looks like, people.

always glam. always fab.

i slept in. got massaged. 

drove to the fair.

decided against the fair.

got a tattoo.

had a netflix- movie experience 

{complete with slurpees and snacks}

had delicious creole food with my besties.

went to the seamonster.

drank wine/cocktails/cranberry juice.

quoted talladega nights.

defended my cowboys.

chatted up two loverly-looking stranger boys.

laughed at a "dancing" lady who was severely coke-d out.

drove home, very sober, at 1am.

and slept.

happy friggin birthday to me, y'all.

25 is shaping up to be a fantastical year!

end of an era.

well, it's here.

the last day of being in my early twenties.

tomorrow? 25.

TWENTY. FIVE.

*sigh*

i'd be a big fat liar if i didn't say there's some sadness coursing through my body. i feel like twenty five is so huge. like i'm no longer a kid. people will either take me seriously or expect me to behave seriously. like i can't just be goofy anymore.

now. i KNOW this isn't the case. i'm going to still be me. i guess it's just more like it has always been okay to not know where things are going or to be floating aimlessly around trying to "find" yourself. but now? nahsomuch.

in my mind, it's always been a huge mile marker. life will be like "THIS" when you're twenty five. i've always been a planner. i just knew i'd have a husband, kids, be working towards a specific career, happy, healthy and financially stable at twenty five. and on some level, this is all true. but is it exACTly what i'd imagined? nope. not even close. and sometimes that terrifies me. i feel like i'm not where i'm supposed to be.

...but then, i remember.

it's never been up to me ANYWAY.

i may not be where i  have always wanted to be,

but i'm exactly where HE needs me to be.

so tomorrow...when the clock strikes 3:02pm, i'll begin breathing in my twentyfifth year.

i'll celebrate my twenty-fifth time around the sun.

i'll thank Jesus for this one more year. another chance.

and i'll move wherever it is that He wants me to move.

and then i'll party like it's 1999, y'all.

the misconceptions

it's no secret that the last few months have been inCREDibly hectic. lots of ups and downs, so many things going on, nothing really ever settling down...it's enough to drive someone like me a little bat sh*t crazy.

a few weeks ago, my sister was here in town and despite a great weekend, i was in the midst of a serious dark depression storm. i couldn't shake this horrid way i was feeling and even when doing fun things, i felt slightly "out of it". on friday night, my sister and Charlie went out to Seattle to hang out with one of our cousins. they partied it up and i received lots of interesting drunk texts. i knew i would be on "chub-duty" {as well call it around here} and had been mentally preparing for it all day. i was proactive, or so i thought, and kept with our usual routine: dinner and baths at 8, warm bottles and baby massages and in bed by 9. the night was going well. until it wasn't.

austin didn't want to go to bed. he played and played. he read books and watched tv and played on the ipad. sometime around 12:30am, he passed out. bella woke up around 1am. and she. wouldn't. go. back. to. sleep. normally, it wouldn't bother me. but bella isn't the easiest toddler. austin is able to entertain himself for HOURS with minimal help on my part. bella, on the other hand....nahsomuch.
i had to hold her and rock her. and give her milk. and sing to her. and snuggle her. but none of it is enough. she cried. and cried. AND CRIED. for hours. after the first five or so hours, my patience had run out. i wasn't happy. i was tired, miserable, cranky...my ears were shot. i had had it up to HERE and that point had LONG been gone. i. was. DONE.

i sent a text to charlie {i have no recollection of sending this, really.} essentially saying that if he didn't hurry back, i was going to rip her throat out because i had had enough. unfortunately, charlie was too drunk to drive home. so i had to deal.

after that weekend, that suffocatingly dark weekend, both charlie and my sister were worried. this was the first time they had ever seen me this low. my sister continued on with her vacation and proceeded to tell everyone in spokane {my family} about what had happened over the weekend. and you can guess how rumors start flying and why i'm writing this post.

LET ME REASSURE EVERYONE

++ while PPD affects everyone differently, my experience isn't like theirs. nor is their experience like mine. i can only tell you how *I'M* affected and how *I'M* dealing ++

 i don't want to harm my children.

i don't want to harm myself.

i'm not crazy. or maybe i am, but i'm not psychotic.

i'm dealing. the best way i know how.

  i don't wallow in self-pity every single day.
and yes, i do still love my children.
and yes, i do still want to be a mother.
and yes, i do still want MORE children.

therefore...

don't call me everyday "just to say hey" {when really you're just checking on me}

don't offer to take my kids for a few weeks {because that doesn't SOLVE the problem. it temporarily removes to the problem}

don't look at me that way {like i said, i'm not psychotic}

don't assume you know how i'm feeling {ASK. because it changes every day, several times a day}

don't act like i'm not capable of handling anything {because i'm still the strong person i've always been, i just need help sometimes}

don't google post partum depression or talk to "that one friend of yours" who has suffered from depression and assume you know what it's all about {chances are, i'm not fitting into that "definition" or "experience"}

don't think you're better than me {because you're not. we're all wired differently and can handle things differently. you're not better, you're different}

currently, i'm getting calls left and right from family members who are just "calling to see what's up" and just "checking on me". they're constantly asking if i'm going to therapy and if it's helping any. i'm bringing the kids over for a week while i work on a photoshoot and have decided to let them stay for an extra two weeks while i whip this house into perfect shape {cleaning their room, hanging stuff on walls, getting rid of a LOT of crap} and they call everyday to remind me that they're going to be over there for MY own good. i have people telling me NOT to take medications, but offering natural herbal stress remedies. they constantly ask and make remarks about things i'm not getting done and how i'll "be able to get it all done once the kids are gone".  the list goes on and on. and my sister better be glad i love her. because this is annoying.

i'm not crazy. i'm just a little "sick" {for lack of a better term}. taking the kids away doesn't solve anything. i'm getting the help i need and that works. now back the eff off and stop assuming you know what you're talking about. jerks.

if you really knew me...

...you'd know that i'm extremely paranoid.  and it causes intense, chest seizing anxiety. 

i try really, really hard to not let it get bad, but i'm constantly imagining 

the worst scenario in any given situation.

...you'd know that i have a favorite spot on bella to kiss. her neck.

in that hidden part right underneath her ear and just above her shoulder.

when she was born, it was the only place i could really kiss her when she was in the NICU and she was incredibly skinny. now it's covered up by her babychub and i love to snuggle her and give her smooches all day long. well, as long as she'll let me.

...you'd know that i'm terrified of losing myself in mommyhood. 

i've always prided myself on being   multi-faceted....there's always more to me than people think. 

but having already lost myself once, i'm afraid i'll do it again.

don't get me wrong, i will  die a million deaths if that's what it takes to raise  happy, healthy, well-adjusted kiddos. but it's scary to think that i could be less of a person by forgetting my own happiness.

...you'd know that i desperately wish i was crafty and a DIY goddess. 

i've tried over and over again. but  i'm mediocre at everything DIY. it never quite turns out the way i envision it. and it irks me like no other.

...you'd know that i'm shy. at my core, i'm incredibly shy. 

i put on a good front, but really....i'm shaking  in my boots.

...you'd know that  anytime i feel sick i instantly think i'm pregnant.

even when there's no reason to think i'd be pregnant. smh.

...you'd know how important everyone's opinion of me is to me. 

it's almost sad that i'll get so worked up over strangers. i hate getting passed in  traffic because i don't want that other driver to hate me...even if i'm following the law.  

(or going 5mph over the posted speed limit)

or i worry that at my funeral, people won't have nice things to say. really...i have to stop worrying about it. but i can't. :/

...you'd know that i love to talk and share stories. and i really, genuinely love to make people laugh.

there's very few better feelings than knowing that other people are laughing because of funny stories or jokes you're telling. i really like being the center of attention.

...you'd know that i have horrible OCD and control issues. when i can't control my circumstance, i search for things i CAN control. like my environment. and i'm incredibly mean and harsh about it. and if i start to feel like someone is trying to control me, i start fuh-REEK-ing out and instantly start rebelling. it can make certain relationships more difficult.

...you'd know that  i have a REDIC love for reese's pieces and cranberry juice.

...you'd know that austin and i have our own secret little things we do that we've done since he was a baby. for instance- baby massage. after every bath, i'll put lotion on him. and no matter what time of day or how quickly we need to get dressed or ANYTHING, as soon as i touch his shoulders he starts giggling because he thinks i'm going to tickle him. i always say i'm not going to, but i grab his shoulders and squeeze quickly and scream "BABY MASSAAAAAAGE" and he cracks up. and i pray to God that he'll never stop laughing at our little inside jokes.

...you'd  know that i've never really fit in anywhere except where i've carved my own path.

...you'd know that i love to read books in the bath, that i'm a sucker for a good bassline... that i can't focus for too long and i hate when people talk over me. 

that i love the idea of love and i love being in love, but i'm scared i'll never find true love.

that i chew my toenails and twirl my bellybutton ring when i'm bored, that i suck on my tongue to go to sleep, that i sometimes avoid changing poop diapers by pretending i don't smell them and that i have an intense, deep attraction for the water.
that i use way more  LOL's and exclamation points than socially acceptable in emails and text messages and i have been told i have the softest lips on the planet {more than once}. that i love my little quirks and wouldn't change them for the world, but i would gladly shave off 3 inches from each of my thighs.

there's so much that you may not know, 

but i invite you to join me on the ride and figure it all out, friends.

creep{s}.

hi, my name is kiranda.

i have a lover named zachary scott.

and we're creeps.

i'm sure all of you loverly friends have been over to Holly's place, right?

oh, you haven't?

go ahead. i'll wait.

.....

okay. so holly is my favorite. here's some things you may or may not know about holly.

1) she lived in vegas. like for real. 2) she's preggers. how cayoot. and 3) her man is Jacob {or J, or @the_manski}. if you follow holly on IG, {which you should} you'd know that she just recently moved to California and, *drumroll* got engaged and married all within the last few weeks.

SAY WHAT?!

yes, i know. awesome-sauce, right?

HOLLY AND J!

well. zachary scott and i are big IG creepers to both holly and jacob.

 how did i find out about the engagement? i got a text from zach to check IG.

and when i realized they'd gotten married too, all i could think was,

"i gotta tell zach! he's gonna be so happy!"

creep.

and if that doesn't scream creep-status:

zach and i will have entire text message conversations about holly and j and how much we think they RAWK and how excited we are for their baby and how we take over their IG feeds with random-ness and we love how they can keep up with us and our weirdo-ness. yea....creeeeeep.

BUT GET THIS.

last night. zachary and i took a break from writing songs via skype and actually started scouring pinterest for ideas for weddings gifts for these two loverbirds. we came up with a whole host of ideas. then we stayed up until 2am designing one of them. 

{i'm pretty excited about it}

but here's the best part.

we haven't met holly or j in person. 

:JAWDROP:

:D

we're creepy.

and to further our creep status

whilst being super bored this morning, after joking about how zach and i are going to pack up and move to california and buy the house right next door to these two...

i started looking at real estate.

in their zip code.

CREEP.

♥ you two. //

{me and zachary mustache you a question}

DISCLAIMER: we're not real stalkers or anything. we just get really jazzed for cool people who are in love and doing the damn thing. you two are my love role-model. for-sheeze. but i really am considering a move to be your neighbors. what can i say..

currently:

currently...

what i'm listening to >> COUNTRY MUSIC LIKE WHOA. Current favorites? Luke Bryan, Dierks Bentley, and Rascal Flatts. 

what i'm watching >> we just got internet so our netflix is back up and running. Lie to Me is a current fave, but i'm wicked excited for my DIRECTV installation on wednesday! :D

thinking about >>  a lot of things. i know that's incredibly vague, but my life is a big jumble of craziness. and i'm not entirely sure how to process it all. at any one time, i'm juggling three things. and those aren't just three tiny things...three MAJOR things. it can be pretty overwhelming at times.

loving >> the crazy amount of confidence that is building up within me. despite the fact that i've gained five pounds {the last two weeks have been HEC.TIC schedule-wise so i've missed my workouts}...i still feel gorgeous. and that makes my confidence sky-rocket.

anticipating >> the break in the clouds.....i can feel it coming.

feeling thankful for >>  the ability to dance in the storm. and i place that whole-heartedly in the hands of my Creator. it's because of Him that i'm still here.

working on >> photo and blog editing. trying to streamline my process so that i don't get overwhelmed trying to continue my business and my personal life at the same time. also? unpacking this dern house. it's just taking too long!

i'm also still writing for my album. i don't think i've put a lot of that info up here on le blog, but i'm recording an album (how 'bout that?) all originals and i'm really excited about it. i'll post more later. :D

eating lots of >>  salmon and tuna in a pouch. have you seen those? they're pretty much amazing. just toss one in your purse, pull on the top and NOMNOMNOM. no can opener needed! the albacore is just perfection. and the smoked salmon? holy get in my face hole! ------>go get some.

wishing >>  i could snap my fingers and make everything the way i want it to be. :D

inspired by Danielle over at Sometimes Sweet. 

what are YOU currently all about?

tonight.

{via}

"i drank too much last night."

this is a recurring thought lately. but i have to.

at least that's what i keep telling myself.

dealing with this shit is hard. and i'm so effing over it.

i know it's saturday and it's charlie's night to go out, but i really don't want to be here alone.

i'm scared.

it's two versus one...

and they always win.

always.

*sigh*

.............

be intentional.

stop. breathe. focus.

who cares if the house is a mess.

who cares if it's spotless.

what really matters here? 

i lie down on the freshly picked up living room floor with my littles and i play.

we pull down all the books from the bookshelf and read them. we play with the mini computer. we run around in circles and shake our booties to the music. 

we attempt to make dinner and end up ordering pizza. then throw a blanket on the living room floor and eat cheese pizza, bacon cheese sticks and hot wings....and pepsi.

we're wreckless. we're loose. we're nuts.

we play games where we chase each other with the blanket. we play the rollercoaster game with mommy's legs. we skype with grandma kia- where austin decided that name, no one knows. 

and when i'm just tired enough to want to check out.....

they grab books and toys and sit quietly in the corner. without prompting. 

quietly.

reading and playing with toys.

playing nicely.

they cuddle on the couch and give each other kisses.

they say their prayers and go to bed willingly. they're asleep in minutes.

and it's not always two versus one. sometimes it's 1+1+1 and we're the three musketeers. and it's nights like tonight that keep my faith alive. it restores my faith and belief in myself. it tells me that i am good enough, i'm a great mommy. and they're great littles. and we can do this.

i'm so SO grateful.

{via}

you so random, girl.

on any random day (this week), these thought ran through my head.

(while looking in the mirror) "dang girl , how you get all of that in them jeans?"

"that guy is hot. (looks down) are those TOMS? now he's REALLY hot."

"omg. i have diarrhea" <== true. story.

"mmmm i want some fresh guac in my facehole." 

"i totally look like a hooker right now" (while standing outside in queen anne at 1am wearing a mini dress and wedge heels...oh did i mention i was on a street corner?)

(presses send) "NO NO NO....delete...delete...where's the damn cancel button...(message sent)....shit."

"there is no way i should still be pooping right now. seriously. how long IS this turd?!"

"ugh...bartender messed up my damn drink......(sips)....but i LIKE it!"

"THIS is why we're friends" (silently in response to the loud ass fart my best friend Lauren ripped while getting dressed to go on a date.)

girl, you so random

Let's Get Real, w.2

 ok. so....since i left texas in march, i've been sans kiddos. (for those that don't know- my kids are in spokane with their crazy grandparents, aunts/uncles and cousins...living it up and enjoying all the attention) without having  to tend to them or a husband, i've had praaaaaactically all the freedom in the world. i stayed up late. i drank too much. i slept in.  partied my little booty off. i stumbled into work with massive hangovers. i flirted. i gave my number out. i ate poorly. i rarely cooked and opted to pay someone else to cook and serve me. i went outside without a jacket on. etc. etc.

basically, i was a twentysomething again. and i'm not going to lie, it. has. been. ah-MAY-zing. i still talked to the kiddos and went to visit them and whatnot, but for the most part- i was the old kiranda again. 

today, is my last day of real freedom. tomorrow i head to texas to start the moving process with charlie. he has chosen to make joint base lewis mcchord his phase2 site to finish up nuclear medicine school. and i couldn't be happier. despite whatever obstacles we've faced and have yet to face as coparents, friends and still, husband and wife, he is my best  friend and i feel more complete when he is around. i know he is excited to get out of the texas heat (it gives him anxiety) and i know the kids will benefit much, much more with both mommy and daddy in their lives. but to say i'm not anxious and a bit sad at this revelation would be a lie.

i have THOROUGHLY enjoyed this freedom. especially with all the drama i've had in the past year or so,i really needed it. but now i worry how i'll transition back to mommyhood mode. i am legit worry i'll feel a lot of resentment...and that's not what i want. i chose those babies and that life and i hope i haven't lost sight of what's really important in life. i think a lot of this has to do with the fact that i'm not yet 25 and i've already settled in, if you know what i mean. i wouldn't say i miss the lonely nights and the hangovers or that i prefer them to the sense of purpose i feel being a mom. but there's something about being carefree and having no responsibility.

so tonight i'm doing it up right. if you see a hungover girl milling around seatac or fort worth tomorrow, give her a high-five and buy her a drink

refresh.

despite only getting one point five hours of sleep last night, i'm feeling oddly energized this morning.  i had a FANTASTICAL weekend with my littles over in spokane, even amongst a lot of hiccups and insensitive comments. tell me,...why are people such jerks? and why are the biggest jerks in my family? *sigh*

i'm back at work today and really excited to see my regulars. i'm  one of those weirdos who actually misses my customers when i'm not at work! lol and omg...i have to talk about my projected business plan for my eventual coffee shop. i've been going over it in my mind a lot more lately and i think i need to get it all out on {internet} paper.

tonight i'll draft up posts about mother's day weekend and our visit  to the coast and the last couple weekends with the kids. there's a TON of pictures. you. just. wait. lol.

life, on the whole, is grand. and it feels so good to know that i'll be able to breathe again shortly.

pee dot ess: MANY, MANY thanks to the faithful readers out there. it feels good to know you've stuck around while i've been failing at blogging. lol

the current state of things.

currently...

what i'm listening to >>  contemporary christian radio on pandora! seriously, this station gets me through the day. i blast it in my headphones on the way to work, i blast it on my ipad while i'm setting up the caffe and it's softly playing throughout the day. i feel that God speaks to me through music. He's always done that. and when i can listen to worship music that is uplifting, it's really hard to stay upset or down about anything. and right now, that's what i need!

what i'm eating >>  just NOM-ed the heck out of a chipotle burrito bowl. i'm addicted to these!

what i'm watching >>  i've been seriously addicted to the real housewives on bravo and american dad on netflix lately. i'm usually watching one of those things when i'm off work. lol

thinking about >> a LOT of things. how excited i am to see my kids next week and the week after. how it's only a month until i have them back in my life. how the dynamic between me and charlie is going to change and how that will affect things. how i'm going to juggle working full time with the kids again. 

i'm also seriously contemplating doing a christian music album. it's been on my heart for awhile, but i keep pushing it to the back of my mind. but God won't relent. lol so i've started compiling a list of songs i want to cover and i've even played with the idea of writing a few originals. i haven't declared it publicly...except just now...and i'm hoping to find some great musicians to work with in the near future.

loving >> christian contemporary on pandora, chipotle burrito bowls, my job, the cute skirt i just bought from ROSS and the shoes i got from there and H&M today, zipcar, the overwhelming, awe-inspiring, complete and all consuming love of Christ.

anticipating >> being with my babies again...

feeling thankful for >> the trials that will become my testimony. i know God is preparing something for me and sometimes i get really upset and depressed about my current situation, but i know it's going to make sense later. just trusting and walking by faith. and i'm so thankful to know the Lord and know that He has it all under control. i'm also really thankful for my job and my boss. she's a christian as well and we have these amazing, thought-provoking conversations at work all the time and i know God placed us together for a reason!

many thanks to holly over at Holly Days blog for the idea. and Danielle from Sometimes Sweet for the original idea...lol love you ladies! :

sip, sip, GULP.

that was the sound of me drinking the kool-aid.

....and it tastes GOOOOOOOOD.

just so you know....

drink more water, friends.

because i've been constipated for a week 

(save for those few diarrhea episodes)

and this crap sucks!!

*sniff*

your lips sure are purdy, mama.

today was another one of those "red lipstick" kind of days.

and man did i feel pretty.

although, i did get some funny looks at double dave's pizzaworks. 

but austin LOVES giving me kisses when i wear it, so it stays.

♥

musings on hope.

my eyes are closed but i know i'm awake. i can hear the humming of the overhead fan. i can hear the slow, steady and deep breaths coming from either side of me. i take stock of my body. it feels heavy but supported in this bed. my arms are usually wrapped around something. my side feels numb from spending the last few hours lying on it. my blood feels like sludge coursing through my veins.

i immediately check for my phone. more than likely, it's near my head or under my pillow or just past my finger tips. one of the earbuds on my headphones is still in my ear, but there's not a sound coming from it. a smile stretches across my face as i remember how the word "baby" rolls off his tongue and over his lips. it's really hard to get off the phone at night. i'm usually flexing my toes to get some burst of energy to keep talking...keep breathing...keep whispering. anything just to stay connected.

the pillow that i'm snuggling magically transforms into a warm body. i imagine smells. i create the texture of his skin in my mind. i can almost feel the rise and fall of his chest. he's perfection only because i've made him so. i imagine what it would be like...what it will be like when this imagination of mine will be able to draw from memory. what will it feel like when it's not a dream, but a reality?

i can only hope. i hope i'm what he imagines me to be. that i'm the amazing, beautiful words he uses to describe me. i can only hope. i hope he's what i imagine. that he's as amazing and beautiful as i know him now. i hope my mind fails. i hope it fails to imagine what he is. i hope it misses the mark. i want him to be more than what my small, inexperienced mind can create. 

here's to hope. here's to running to something. here's to you.

taking a dump.

there are so many things going on in this cray-cray head of mine. it's time to take a dump.

it's really hard to be jerked around all the time. sometimes i feel like i'm dealing with a severe case of bi-polar disorder. not my own, but his. 

one minute he loves me and doesn't want me to leave. he's willing to change and put in the effort. then the next he's berating me for "taking all of his money" and his kids away. and then i'm a whore. and then he's sorry. and he's praying for us to stay together and he's going to change. he's going to be different. i'll see. he's not going to let me leave without a fight. then he's yelling at me because i'm just going to be whoring myself out to as many guys as possible up in seattle. then he's jealous because i'm working out and taking better care of myself and i'm "looking better than ever" and he wishes i was still his. then i'm just an unclassy bitch whore who plays games. and all i'm going to do is spend all of his money. oh and because i curse so much when i'm angry i'm not a good christian either.

anyone else have whiplash? because my neck is killing me.

i have a confession. it's a dark one. sometimes, i wish the abuse was physical. i wish i could see the hurt and the scars that are being created. because when you see a bruise or a broken bone, there's no question in your mind that whatever caused that was intense. that if it came from another person, it's wrong. but when the pain is in your heart and when those scars are being etched into your soul, it's a lot harder to recognize how wrong it is. and it's even harder to deal with it because kisses and apologies are like bandaids. sometimes they're the best bandaids. or at least they feel that way. who didn't feel ten times better when their mom kissed their skinned knee? who didn't start being best friends again after exchanging "i'm sorry"'s on the playground? i know i did. so when someone you love hurts you in a non-physical way and then promises to change and says everything you want to hear...it's so much easier to ignore the problem.

i know that as a person, as a child of God...i deserve better treatment. i know that nothing i could ever do would make me deserving of this kind of treatment. i know that. so tell me why is it so hard to believe it sometimes? all i hear is that i'm not good enough, that it's my fault , that i deserve all of this...and even though i know none of that is true, i can feel the words seeping through my skin and into me and embedding themselves in my brain as truth.

should i even publish this? does anyone truly care? i look back at past posts and realize there was so much i wanted to say and so much i never could say because i was so scared of people knowing what was really going on over here. blogland is funny that way. i've always tried to "keep it real", but all the while i was being more secretive than i ever have been because it didn't fit my "storyline". the truth is, i started this blog as a journal. it's only fitting to continue on as such, right? ignoring or not acknowledging the crap i'm dealing with doesn't make it less real. in fact, all it does is make those feelings fester and grow and scream louder in my head. so i'm giving it a voice and being real and honest with myself.

dump. over.

/flush.