aren't i too old for this?

 

shoot me in the face.

i'm 24 and have been battling an ear infection the last two days. talk about miserable. no wonder kids are virtually inconsolable when they have one. thankfully austin has only had one and bella hasn't had any. now i feel their pain and i pray to God they never have to deal with this. oh and me too. because i'm a big baby.

i feel like i'm deaf in one ear and just a few hours ago, it feel like it spread to my other ear. and if it has, i'm going to lose my mind!! i called to make an appointment with my PCM on tuesday but the soonest appointment is next week. WTF?! and i'm not doing another 6hr stint in the emergency waiting room with two babies by myself. nope, no sir. 

i've been trying some homeopathic remedies like breastmilk in the ear, hot compresses and they've helped. i'm about to try some garlic and olive oil too. but ibuprofen has been my saving grace. i take some every few hours and the pain goes away and i can function like a normal human again. 

and this morning, i yawned and felt like a stretching, pulling, painful sensation! wtheck was that?! i don't even know. but i'm going to lay down. will someone come punch me in the face so i can get distracted from this pain?

pretty please?

broken heart.

i'm incredibly upset. i haven't been this upset in a long time. i'm mad, disappointed, hurt, outraged, sad and broken. and i hope you'll bear with me as i try to explain.

i have a large family. well, on both sides it's large but i grew up with my mom's side of the family. my grandmother had eight children. i don't know exactly how many grandchildren she has, but i know austin and bella were her fifth and sixth great-grandchildren. and pretty much all of us have grown up together. for the most part, things have been great having a big family. the downside is mostly due to the fact that everyone knows everyone's business, nothing is sacred and you just can't be alone at all when you're "home".

when i was thirteen, i started realizing that i was different from the family. if i didn't look almost identical to my mother, i would've assumed i was adopted. i didn't think the same way. i didn't believe in the same things. i behaved differently. i questioned everything. i guess you could say i wasn't "drinking the kool-aid". and that made me the black sheep. i was constantly put down and belittled for being the odd one out. one big thing was that i was true to my emotions. i felt them. i lived them. but that wasn't allowed. oh true, people cried and got angry and were happy and what not. yes. but you weren't allowed to have an emotional reaction to something they considered "trivial". for example: my grandmother always cries over the littlest things. i remember she cried when i was cooking her famous macaroni and cheese. i can see why she was crying, but there really wasn't a reason to cry. i'm gracious when she cries. everyone else, puts her down and says she's overdramatic. another example: when i get overwhelmed, i tend to cry. my family has a tendency to jump down your throat for anything they disapprove of. so what did i do? i cried. i'm being overdramatic. you see what i mean?

anyway. i grew up feeling incredibly inadequate. they have a way of subtly making you feel like less than human. the phrase: "who do you think you are?" comes to mind. i was constantly told what i was good at and what i wasn't good at. not constructive criticism, mind you. but- "you're bad at such and such, so you shouldn't do it. but i think you're really good at this so you're gonna do it.". i don't know if that makes sense, but it does in my head. i didn't realize it at the time, but from ages 13-21 i felt like i wasn't worth very much [despite the fact i acted like my poo didn't stink] and i needed to please everyone and everything in order to be worth anything to anyone. it's no secret that i slept around a lot as a young adult. that's because i craved acceptance and i thought that i could get someone to "love me for me" by having sex with someone. i convinced myself that i was in control of the situation, but deep down i knew i wasn't. i also clung super tight to boyfriends and friends. they were the ones that accepted me so i hung on for dear life. and when i was dumped or cheated on or a friendship ended, i entered that downward spiral again.

i don't know what the trigger was, but i suddenly realized that i needed to be happy being me regardless of what everyone else thought. you always hear you can't have true love until you love yourself...and friends, that is true. but i didn't really understand it until it happened to me. and you know what i realized, the people that are most threatened by me are the ones that aren't okay with me thinking on my own and having my own opinions. the friends and boyfriends who don't like me, the family that puts me down and calls me selfish, isn't okay with me putting my own happiness before their own.

tonight i called my sister to celebrate a fitness milestone and i hear unrest and lots of screaming and yelling in the background. to make a long story short, my family is jumping hard on my sister and making her feel inadequate. it's nothing new. there's always drama with these people. but i'm sitting here listening to them put her down, begging her to put me on speaker phone so i can stand up for her, and having the picture come into a more clearer focus. she's currently home on summer vacation and she's all alone out there fighting off the wolves. and my heart shattered when i heard her say how unhappy she is, how alone she feels, and how they basically make her feel like she's worth nothing. it hurts so much because i can't be there to physically stand in her corner and tell them to back off. they are incredibly toxic and they don't even realize it. or maybe they do and they just don't care. i never wanted my sister to feel the way that i did growing up. i wish i could just make all of those feelings of inadequacy go away for her. i wish she knew her worth!

and it brings another picture into focus: how terrified i am of passing that on to my children. if you only knew how scared i am of making them feel the way i felt.... no one should ever feel like they're not worth anything. i'm so terrified that my kids will enter the world in search of something that i should've given them as their parent. i think about it all the time. when austin is crying over something seemingly meaningless, i remind myself that at that moment he is upset about something that is legitimate to him and i should address it. i pray pray pray to God that i don't keep passing the emotional abuse down the line. and i pray that my sister finds the strength to believe in herself and not let these toxic people, blood or not, ruin her.

i ♥ you sissy.

Thanks Pelvic Bone. And Google- for diagnosing me.

last night i couldn't sleep. we went to bed super duper early and i woke up [thanks stuffy nose] around 2am. and of course, the wheels in my head started churning. one of the things i've been constantly thinking about is how much my hips have been hurting. i'm talking MAJOR PAIN. and given my ridic high pain tolerance, i'm realizing this pain would cripple most people.

at my last OB appointment, i mentioned it to my doctor and he said that it was normal pregnancy pain. "just the body loosening up" but i'm like- hmm..this early? then he countered back with, "you didn't give your body enough of a chance to get back to normal"...which does make sense. but honestly, i wasn't having any other body issues pre-pregnancy and let's be real...austin was eight months old. it wasn't like i got knocked up six weeks post partum ya know what i mean?! but i took his diagnosis and stretches [which actually made the pain worse] and went on my merry little way.

fast forward to last night and the last few weeks...this pain is NOT normal. granted, i've never been pregnant a second time before and maybe this IS normal. but i have excruciating pain doing the SIMPLEST of tasks...[ie: putting on pants, laying down on my back, lifting one leg even two inches off the ground, etc]. so i finally broke out the iPhone and googled my symptoms.

oh trusty google...

and after reading up on what google thought i might have, i realized...BY GOLLY..GOOGLE IS DEAD ON!

Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction.  [wicked, right?]

or for the simple peeps, like me....there's an abnormal gap in your pelvic region and you're more than likely out of alignment. so when you're doing these normal, everyday activities there's pressure [that's normally there] that should be absorbed and balanced within your body...but it's not. you can read more about it HERE.

so now i'm seeking treatment. but get this: the treatments aren't covered by TRICARE so we need to fork out the money ourselves. schweet. i probably wouldn't even really seek out the help if it didn't have a chance of affecting my birth plan. see, if the gap is big enough or making my alignment way off, Bella would have a hard time getting through the birth canal...and therefore, emergency c-section. and that, is just NOT okay with me. it may be for some, but just not for me. the website linked above gave some tips on how to deal during delivery but i worry that my doctor won't let me labor and push in alternative ways.

*sigh* i'm all kinds of stressed out.





but you could make me feel better.

fack me.

i'm sick.

and pregnant.

so i'm a sick, pregnant chick.

who has a [pre] toddler running around.

thanks husband. i appreciate it.

i am now going to pass out on the couch, ask my babysitter to come get austin, and whine all day. 

oh, and dope up with pregnancy approved medicine. because i need to get better like...YESTERDAY!

This Is What I Did Today....

cool, huh?

NOT.

So, uh...who wants to start a fundraiser for that $500 deductible?

Because I don't like paying for stuff.

I GIVE UP!

I hate fighting with my mom. But she likes to start fights with me. And tonight is no different.

Show of hands: how many people are surprised that I don't do what others want me to do and tend to follow the beat of my own drum?

*looks around*

Yea...I'm not surprised either!

Sure, I've ended up skinning my knees and knocking my head against familiar walls but I wouldn't trade my life for anything. Not only have I met some awesome people and created one heck of a cool son [and i'm sure this bean inside me will be JUST as awesome], but I've just enjoyed the ride..really I have. There's been heartbreak, but it hasn't stopped me from loving with all of my heart. There's been lies, but it hasn't stopped me from trusting...[even if it's just a little bit].

But every time I make a decision that doesn't align exactly with what she wants, she tells me: "Well you're gonna do whatever you want and WHEN it fails, I'll be here to tell you that I was right."

She doesn't even give me a chance.

And really, there've only been a handful of times when things have gone wrong but hardly ever because of the reason she believes it would. Make sense?

IE: She didn't want me to go to Cornish because my goal of being a musician was a bit too lofty. 3 years into it, they finally believe in me. Well now that I don't want to go there anymore, she says, "I told you so". Well, the only reason I hate going is because I have to put A and my life at home on the back burner. Not because my goal is too hard. I shake my head.

In any case....I'm just tired of being told that I'm stupid and I'm not good enough and that I'm always going to fail. I don't know why I keep going back for her approval and leaving with my head hung low feeling like a horrible person. I don't know why I'm always surprised when she acts the way she does....she's been doing it all of my life....but I always am.

I think the straw that broke my back was when she called me a bad mother because I believe in making sure I'm happy and stable so my kids can benefit from that kind of mother. Because the only way I can be a good mother is if I'm suffering.... I shake my head.


**EDIT: Let me just say...I understand she wants what's best for me. That's what any mother wants for their kids. I'm no different. But I praypraypray that if A and B [and any other children I have] ever need me to be supportive, even when I don't fully agree, that I'll just be what they need. I'm not asking her to always agree with me. I'm a pretty great kid and I know I've been a great daughter. Even with the choices I've made, I'm still "successful"- for lack of a better word-...she when will she start trusting me?**

i'm blogging to keep from screaming...

I'm a pretty sensitive girl. Not emotionally [although that is also true], but my senses are really sensitive. Like I have bionic hearing and sense of smell. It's crazy. And just the lightest touch can feel good or painful. [sidenote: I'm noticing that I'm pretty extreme overall] Pregnancy is only making this sensitivity worse.

My husband is eating some of the delishus [yes...delishus] pizza we just ordered tonight from Dominos. It really is good. And I can hear EVERY. SINGLE. BITE. AND CHEW. HE'S. MAKING.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh.

If there's one thing I hate...it's when I can hear you chewing. Oh, and when people breathe through their mouths. I guess that's not one thing. But I digress....

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?! I HATEHATEHATE when I can hear people chewing. OMG. It drives me bonkers. I'm actually going to go to my bedroom and go to bed after posting this because I can hear it no matter where I go. The way our house is set up the kitchen, living room and dining room are all in close proximity. The bedrooms and bathrooms are down a hall. In order to escape the loud chewing and swallowing and saliva sounds, I have to go down the hall.

ARGH!

goodnight.

okay, so seriously...

I'm watching The View and they're commenting on parents and children kissing on the lips.

They're also commenting on parents bathing with their children.

Regarding the first.

Austin and I kiss. 

Austin and Charlie kiss. 

Sometimes Austin gives tongue. In no way is it hot. lol

It's really slobbery, actually. 

[is slobbery a word?]

For as long as he'll let me, I will kiss my kid. If you think it's inappropriate, get outta here! 

Regarding the second.

I bathe with Austin. Charlie hates baths. My mom and sister and I took baths together up until I was at LEAST 8...I think we even did a few times when I was 12. 

We only stopped because we all got too big for sharing the bath!

When Austin is old enough to recognize that his body parts are different from mommy's...

then we'll stop doing that.

Over all.

I think people, adult people, are perverted.

How do you take something that is filled with innocence and turn it into a sex-charged thing?

Nothing about Austin or other children triggers sexual feelings, so why are you ruining moments with my child by adding your perverted two cents. 

True, no one has said anything to me personally, but I'm sure at some point it'll happen. 

Especially since I'm still breastfeeding and my kid knows where the food comes from.

The masses never cease to amaze me with their stupidity. 

I'm off my soapbox now. 

ending friendships.

you know how you can feel an instant connection with someone and it feels like you've known them for years? how they seamlessly and effortlessly fit into your life and you into theirs and it's just a beautiful friendship? and you feel like, "how did i ever NOT know this person?" and you wonder how you'll ever not have that person in your life?

well that happened to me. i had a friend that became so close, so fast and it felt like we'd known each other for years. i could go to that friend whenever i had anything going on, good or bad, and they would be there. it was great. they understood me in a way that few people have. it was awesome.

well, i lost that friend today.

i lost that friend due to craziness and stress. my friend, was a male. and his wife [the craziness i spoke of earlier] didn't like our friendship. despite already having issues in their marriage, she chose to focus solely on me. when it was decided that they were no longer going to be together, it was hard on him and i was there for him just like he would be for me. i tried to accentuate the positive. when the ish hit the fan, he had to leave and spend some time away from the house and his children. the entire time, she fed these poor kids lies about the situation and told them that he didn't care about them.

he returned home to three brokenhearted children.

it kills me to know that there are women out there in the world who would do this just because they are upset. if charlie and i ever decided to not be together for whatever reason, i would make sure that austin knew that it had nothing to do with him and that his dad loves him and that mommy and daddy just love each other in a different way now. and all that jazz.

i hate that i had to lose a friend to all of this. i hate that because of her own insecurity, he had to choose. not that i expected or wished he would choose me over his kids. oh Lord no, but i hate that it even got to that point. we were great friends. fast friends. close friends. he was my shoulder when i couldn't come home. because let's face it, sometimes i need a male perspective when dealing with my husband. i'm going to miss the heck outta that kid. the effortless way we just "clicked"....i'm gonna miss that.

i wish him and his children the best of luck. and i hope that his wife gets her act together. i know he is unhappy and desperate for happiness. i wish i could be there and help him. not that i'm an advocate for divorce, i urged him to constantly give it another go. to try and listen when they went to counseling, to be honest and forthright, to keep it real with her. i hope that in the future we can be friends again and all of this will be a thing of the past.

::tearshed::

um, excuse me?

maybe it's just because i'm really tired. maybe it's because i had two dropped calls today and missed one. maybe it's because my back hurts.

but i really don't like it when someone says that i like drama.

um, excuse me?

a little backstory: a fb friend posted that she had some drama going on then ended her post with a positive saying. i liked the status and then commented that i didn't like the drama but i liked her statement. then random person [whom i know] decides to say, "yea right. you know you like drama".

um, excuse me?

what in the HELL did i do to you, chick? wtfack? i actually HARDLY EVER speak to you, nor have you EVER been close enough to me to make statements like the one you just left.

go hide under a rock, asshole.

while i agree that drama is entertaining as all get out, i don't enjoy it. i USED to, but it brings on a bout of anxiety and anger that i don't like dealing with. try shaking every time you do something...that's how i feel when there's drama in my life. it effing sucks.

so sit there. shut the fack up when you're talking to me. or i'll shut your mouth for you.

/rant.

anywhere but here.

remember how i posted about wanting to run away and hide?

i'd give ANYTHING to be back there instead of here. i know i need to finish my bachelors degree and all but i'd much rather be at home with my whiny awesome sweet babe. i'd much rather watch King of Queens and eat left overs from last night's spaghetti [because it was that awesome]. i'd much rather take a hot bath and read Cosmo and learn new ways to drive him nuts. lol.

i'd rather be anywhere but here.

*sigh*

kid you not.

I feel as though I've been brutally ran over several times by a mack truck. ["why would you do that?"] Last night I cam home and took a long bath. The hubs kindly offered to take Austin with him to drop his friend's lawn mower off. It was a big, big surprise and very nice of him so I took him up on it. And after I pumped and ate dinner, fed Austin..they left me to my soaking. Now you'd think that after spending an hour in the hot water I'd feel perfectly fine. But if this is how I feel after soaking, I shudder to think what I'd feel like if I hadn't! My gosh!!

I feel crampy and bloated on top of feeling really achy. Is this normal? Any other SAHM's feel like if they do anything outside of the house for hours at a time they feel super sore the next day? During the week, I practically do nothing but play with Austin and clean the house. Some days I don't even leave. But when I have to work [or now in this case go to school], my body is super sore the next day.

hmmm.

And on an even suckier note, I called the registration office and BOTH of the early morning classes during the week that I need/want are full. UGH! Why is it that when I don't want them they are the only ones available, but now that I need them to make my life a little easier- no one will drop it! There's a whole two week period where things are shifting around so I'm hoping some poor schmuck will realize that waking up for an 8am class is no bueno and they'd rather party all night than go to school. Isn't that horrible of me?! lol

Oh, is THAT what you think I did?

I just got off the phone with my mom and dad. They're over in DC right now with my sister. I wish Austin and I had been able to go, but it really was for the better that we stayed here. So here's the latest: my sister immediately met this guy named D and he is utterly smitten by her. Of course there are drawbacks [he's a freshman, 18, a virgin, and they literally met before the start of classes]. My sister will be 21 in a few weeks, she's a sophomore/junior transfer, definitely not a virgin and is interested in exploring her options and focusing on school rather than getting a boyfriend off the bat. The most interesting twist: he's been there for her when she's needed it the most. She told me the cutest story of him bringing her chinese and waiting until 2am for her while she found her way home and then staying up with her until 4 and making sure that she took the food despite not being hungry because he knew she'd need food in the morning. I'm missing details, but the guy is totally sweet. But she's fighting it.

Well my mom and aunt are apparently all up in arms over the fact that some dude is trying to talk to my sister. Like he's some crazy axe murderer or something. And while that's a possibility, my dad did a background check on him and found out that he's from the Virgin Islands, had a 4.0 GPA and was valedictorian for his high school, and is at Howard University now with plans to attend Yale post graduation and become an attorney. Um...WOW. Does he have a brother. [just kidding hubs. I like my men like soldiers..lol] They think he's obsessive. I think he's amazing.

Well it got me thinking. They're problem is that they don't want her to get sidetracked or offtrack with her goals. She's famous for doing that [In high school, partying became more important than her lawyer career aspirations]. And while I can see that being a legit concern, they actually added this: Don't leave school with a husband and a bunch of babies.

Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeech Halt!

Uhm. Is that what *I* did? Did I get sidetracked? Did I lose focus of my goal? Is that what you think of me? Because I followed my heart and decided that while yes, I wanted to be a musician/elementary school teacher, love sometimes doesn't wait....then I've obviously lost focus of my goals? I don't know if I agree with that. Yes, I took two years off from school. But need I remind you, my oh-so-awesome bio-father [note the sarcasm] decided he'd rather NOT pay tuition and it was too late for me to do anything about it. Hence the FIRST leave of absence. The Second? Well, I was pregnant, still considered single because I did the FAFSA before I married Charlie, and we couldn't swing $500 a month to pay tuition. And now, here I am. I did my paperwork on the 1st of January, I've been completely and totally proactive with school. I'm enrolled and ready to finish my degree. WHY? Because I have a family! You know, that family that you think "SIDETRACKED" me? Yea..inSTEAD..I'm MOTIVATED. I WANT to finish. I WANT to be a good example. I WANT to do more than just be a super awesome barista because I WANT more for them.

*breathes*

I'm just saying. Falling in love and deciding that it's more important than a career that will always be there doesn't mean you've lost focus. You can't fight what you feel. And I'll be damned if I ever let what society views as successful cost me what I ultimately want: a happy, healthy family all because two people fell in love and ran with it.

*teary eyed*

You ladies rock.  I can't say it any other way. I know I said that I didn't want any "advice" or any "opinions", but everything that I've gotten from the last post makes me feel warm and fuzzy and less "funky".

Going along with my month long truth session, I realize that the problem is completely wrapped up in the fact that C and I aren't getting along. Don't get me wrong, I love the kid to death and we have some really great times. But I feel a dark cloud looming overhead when 3 o'clock comes around. He's coming home from work and I just "know" that something is going to go wrong.

I'm not going to bore anyone with details. But it's just been a trying time for me and I don't know exactly how to deal with it. I'm the queen of being "on". Seeing us in public or on the interwebz, you'd never know there was a problem. I can fake it with the best of them. I accentuate the positive, if you will and put the negative on the backburner until I'm safe inside my house where no one can see me in my zombie-like mode.

I'm not "allowed" to post on facebook or my blog or talk to my friends because this is "private". But I've never been much of a "private" person. I don't want to talk to people about it because while we've made up and moved on, they might still be stewing about it. So I'm kind of just stuck.

*sigh* so there. that's the gist of it all. maketh any sense?

Please bear with me...

I'm hoping that I'm not going to ruffle any feather, singe any butthairs, or upset anyone. I just need a safe place to talk and that's what Mommyhood has become for me. I know it'll get back to anyone I don't really want to read this, but *shrugs*. If I made this thing private, it'd defeat it's purpose. So here I go.

I've never really "believed" in depression. Or any other medically diagnosed thing dealing with moods and emotions. I've always felt that I had the power over my emotions. If I felt down, I could kick myself in the butt and make myself feel better. If I felt a little out of focus, I could always hunker down and get on with it. I think I've been "clinically depressed" once in my life. I remember being anorexic by clinical standards and instead of checking myself into some sort of rehab or talking to someone about it, my mom forced me to eat dinner. So you see, I've always felt like I could just change things if I felt like it. And to some degree I still do.

But I canNOT shake this feeling lately. Every day it's something. I'll be in such a good mood and then I'm down. I want to sit and just veg. I don't want to talk. I don't want to move. I don't want to watch. I don't want to listen. I just want to be. I don't care if anyone is around or not, it doesn't bother me. I just want to be. And I'm usually down and out and just overall sad about one thing or another. It's really bothering me.

I want to be happy all the time. At least like I used to be. Austin makes me happy. Why can't I be happy all the time? I have no one to talk to. I can't even facebook my feelings anymore because people decide that they need to call and talk about it. Can't I just update my status without everyone wanting to know what the deal is?

I don't know. Things really suck balls right now and it's not fun. I have so much to say and virtually no one or nowhere to say it. Do you know how much that sucks?!?!?! And for the life of me, I wish I didn't have any opinionated people around. Someone who just listens, nods and says- "man..." NO OPINIONS. NO JUDGEMENTS.

*sigh*

this post makes absolutely no sense at all.

REALLY? for REAL?

I know he didn't just say that.

No..he mustn't have just said that. You see, because if he DID say that- I'd be slapping him from here until next Thursday.

For some odd reason, my husband seems to think that my job/lifestyle is cush...as in easy peasy. How can it NOT be, right? I mean, I wake up whenever I feel like it, I lounge around on the couch, eating friggin bon bons, visiting with my girlfriends...Austin naps pretty much all day and only wakes up when I want to play with him...I pretty much do whatever I feel like doing on any given day.

Yea. RIGHT! *scoffs*

This dude [my husband] has actually had his head up his ass lately. I mean, so far up his ass lately. He's been saying the most outlandish things ever. IE: yesterday, when I finally decided to take a KIRANDA day and just spend time playing with Austin, napping, catching up on DVR,blogs, and facebook instead of unpacking and cleaning like I'd been doing all week long, he says to me, "Do you think you could, like, put something away tomorrow?" LIKE I HADN'T MOVED OUR FREAKING HOUSE ALL WEEK. LIKE I HADN'T BEEN DOING JUST THAT ALL FRIGGIN WEEK. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

And, oh yea, it's ALWAYS my fault when he can't find something. Nevermind the fact that I ALWAYS put things where they're supposed to go [cause I'm OCD like that] and he is constantly moving things around. Yes, when he can't find the dish sponge or his registry papers or his checkbook...it's MY fault. Wanna know why? [and i quote]: "Because you just threw things into boxes..."

uhhhhhhm. REALLY, dude? REALLY? Not ONCE did he lift a finger to help me pack before we got keys to this place. Not ONCE did he help organize things into boxes while we were moving. NOPE. True, he moved things and did a great job cleaning the house after we were all moved, but he did NOTHING in regards to getting things into containers over here. When I point out that things are just scattered around, it's suddenly my fault. OH- I'M SORRY, OH PERFECT ONE, THAT I DIDN'T DO IT ACCORDING TO YOUR SPECIFIC DIRECTIONS!!!

This blog has been building in me all friggin day, but I finally had to just vent it all out when he told me that he had $300 extra in his account. The money was going to go to pay Equity [housing] the $272 we owe them for moving out costs. Well instead, he spent $150 of it to buy his license so he can work outside of the army as a civilian rad tech. I asked him why he couldn't just wait until the 1st when he got paid. He said he needed to do it as soon as possible. Well we also need to pay Equity as soon as possible. He said he didn't understand why I was bitching. I said I didn't want to have to deal with Equity and their bull since I was the one who'd have to answer for not paying until payday. He then said, get this, well you're not paying for it, are you?

REALLY?! REALLY? ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?!

I will GLADLY go to work. GLADLY. Last time I checked, I WAS working full time when YOU SIR decided you wanted to have a baby. YOU begged ME to have your kid. And yes, I love him so much it hurts. But I was supporting myself before you and him. I'm at home because it's best for our family not because I'm lazy. I LIKE making my own money and whenever our kid[s] are old enough, I'm going back to make my own money. I have career aspirations too. They're just slowly coming to fruition because we wanted a family. If you want [stealing this from Leslie] you can pay me for all that I do around here: babysitting, maid services, dry cleaning service, personal [short order] cook, and escort services. Then you'd see how much money you're saving by being married to a woman like me.

Because while you're absolutely gorgeous and women go nuts over you, they definitely don't want to deal with all the bullshit that comes after you get out of bed.

Totally In Bad Taste

I'm having a moment over here. This is truly an unattractive moment, and the only reason I'm allowing myself to even HAVE this moment is because I'm in my early twenties. Sure, that's not a good excuse. But DAMMIT- I'm using it. I'm telling you know, if you hate negativity and downright ridiculousness- see your way out now. I won't be offended.

This chick that used to be one of my husband's "flings" just PCSed here to JBLM. She's horribly plain, borderline ugly, and totally ghetto. She joined the military at an old age due to the fact that it took her FOREVER to graduate high school. Apparently, the only reason C was even into her in the first place was her large rack. Well whoopty doo- chick has boobs. Ugh. Whatever.

Now during the time when we were just dating, she started talking massive ish to him so I got on Myspace [totally mature, dontcha know] and "told her off" with as much force as you can get through a social networking site. I told her to back off and she started talking shit! I was like, "Really?" So in not so nice terms as sweetly as possible, I told her to back off or I'd beat her ass when I got to Texas she'd be sorry. Well she apparently didn't get the memo and continued to randomly call my husband. So not cool.

I didn't know she was still doing it so when we were down in Texas, he gets a phone call. He takes it in the other room. He's not slick. I know what's going on. He doesn't want me to start flipping out. [Because when I flip, it's not pretty] Afterwards he tells me who it was and tries to pacify my anger by explaining that he doesn't even respond to her anymore and that this call was the first time he'd talked to her in awhile. OH. HELL. NO. I don't even care. I call her back and tell her to stop calling my husband, I don't care if you just wanted to see what's up- it's rude to call someone's husband when you know it's inappropriate to begin with. And if she did it again, she'd regret it.

So I thought I was finally rid of this ass muncher. BUT OH NO- All friggin supply people MUST pcs to JBLM after AIT. Really?! REALLY?! Are you F*CKING kidding me?! Ugh. Now this little skank is here. And she's a single soldier so she lives near here. On her fb page she's always talking about running around the airfield like she's hoping to run into my husband because he sometimes runs around there. [MATTER OF FACT: I THINK HE'S DOING HIS PT THERE THIS MORNING. WTFACK!] Let me put it this way, if I see the skank- call the MPs. I'm beating her down. With or without provocation. I don't like women who try to mess with anyone's husband, let alone stupid little girls who try to mess with mine. That's the quickest way to get punched in the face.

And in case you're curious, I have no trust issues with my husband. lol I just don't like that he picked such LOSERS to fool around with when he was younger.

Waking up to it...

first interaction of the day:: 
"so how long are you only keeping him on breastmilk" 
"probably just another month" 
"what are you going to feed him"
 "vegetables and then some fruits"
 "aren't you going to start your own garden or something like that?".


...your hidden snide remarks are irritating. you can stop at any time now since it's only making you sound like an ignorant ass.


In other news, I'm going home today. I'll be in the arms of my love. I can't wait to hold him and kiss him and rub his booty. lol

....cause i like his booty. ♥

I'm a Judger. And I'm Judging You..

I'm going to try to curb the negativity after this post. I actually get pretty irritated with myself when I look back at my blog and see nothing but negativity. Ugh. I know no one wants to read that and I should just create an entirely different blog for my rants and raves. What say you?

I have a facebook. I post there. Yesterday, I posted this:

I'm hoping that by me being so open about breastfeeding around my younger cousins (boys and girls) , they'll have a positive opinion about it and maybe they'll be supportive of it when they have children.

What I was saying was that because the women in my family either decided not to breastfeed or chose to formula feed after a few weeks there haven't been any real positive breastfeeding role models around here. And the little boys and girls, that are ages 12 and under, see breasts as merely a taboo [sexual] thing. This thought came to me as I was breastfeeding Austin on the couch without a cover and they crowded around me. They were asking questions about why he eats that way and how long he'd eat that way, etc. One little boy actually said, after I'd explained everything, that he was going to have his wife breastfeed his baby for ten years or something like that. It was cute. I started thinking how great it felt to shed a positive light on the subject since no one else was doing it. And I'm hoping that when they become mothers and fathers, they'll at least consider it. If they don't, *shrugs* okay. But at least they won't say no because "boobies are for pleasure, not food".


As usual, I got a few supportive comments. I just love my crunchy mamas! And also, as usual- there was one girl who didn't agree with what I said. This was her response.


just beacause people dont choose to breastfeed doesnt mean they have a negative opinion and dont support it... lol :)




uhm...I'm almost POSITIVE that I didn't say that if you don't breastfeed, you're not supportive. No, check that..I know for a FACT that was not what I had said. So I addressed it and this is what I said.


‎@cassandra-No one said that at all. For as much negativity you bring on here it seems like you feel judged by those of us who've chosen differently. No one is judging you. And I don't believe that if you choose not to then you're not supportive.

My younger cousins have been taught (by unsupportive people) that boobs are purely sexual. And I'm glad to be changing that view so that they can decide for themselves. I don't want them to believe that they (or they're wives) shouldn't breastfeeding because boobs are sexual.


To which she responded.


lol that because you judge Kiranda! you totally judge people who dont choose to do what you think is best. you talk down on people who didnt breastfeed by choice or by "not being informed" go back and read some of your own stuff . either way its a CHOICE and a personal one at that. ur statement above to me sounds like ur saying that people who dont do it are wrong or that if they dont make that choice there wrong and just like people shouldnt shove formula in ur breastfeeding kit shoving it in ur face people should RESPECT some ones choice to not do it cause when you choose not to alls people do is shove breasfeeding down your throat EVERYWHERE you go every appt to anything everywhere! its annoying.... so whateve ill not comment on your status anymore my bad (thats only what there for yaknow)




*le sigh* I was going to write a comment, but I figured I'd save my breath for the blog. I have like ZERO energy to keep fighting this girl. I think it's time I "keep it real".


I don't "judge" you unless you choose not to feed your child. That is the only time I think you're horrible. I shake my head at your lame excuses reasons for not breastfeeding. Especially when you either gave up without trying or it became hard. Especially when you look at me and say, "I wish I could've breastfed." Uhm..you could've. But that's another story... If you've read anything that I write and feel like I'm "judging you"...maybe it's less about me and more about the fact that you feel guilty. I don't know and I, frankly, don't care.


My status above was saying one thing and because of her own insecurity on the subject, she decides to lash out. This is not a new thing. Whenever I say anything related to my parenting choices, she has something negative to say. And the only reason I haven't removed her is because my other friends are quick to educate. We need that other voice in there to get the conversations started. But she's a nitpicker, an agitator, and a drama starter. And it's old.


Let me clarify: Your choice is your choice. It is WRONG to label a kit full of formula as "BREASTFEEDING RESOURCES" because that's not what it is. And why is breastfeeding "shoved" in your face, because it is best. Try to argue with me on that one and you WILL lose. Quickly, even.


And you can remove yourself because I've got over 800 friends..I will NOT miss you, chick.


So if it helps you sleep at night and ease your own guilt, yes- I'm judging you.

I am PARENT. Hear me RAWR.

I've probably beaten this horse to a pulp by now, but this has been weighing heavily on my soul for the last few days, so I figure I might as well just blog about it. Hopefully that does the trick! I've mentioned over and over again how irritating it is as a new mom in a family full of strong opinionaters. I, personally, love a good debate. I like getting the conversation started. What better way to learn than to be around those with conflicting opinions on any given subject?! Here's where it gets annoying.

When the people you are around have no interest in listening to your point of view, despite the fact that they are beating you down with theirs.

Uhm, hello? What happened to giving the talking stick back?

My family is a classic example of these people. First off, don't you dare disagree with them. Oh man. If you don't live the way they do and believe what they believe, get outta here or prepare to get a verbal beatdown. Secondly, listen to the verbal beatdown and take it like a man. You stand there in your wrong-ness and be wrong, mister or miss lady. And Thirdly, that is all. Nope.  End of discussion. Don't say another word.

I've had to deal with this ridiculous way of life for as long as I've formulated an opinion. And it's only gotten worse, the more I free myself from their backwards way of thinking and get knowledge on life and other subjects. The biggest thorn in my side lately is how they totally undermine my parenting choices/skills. I was beat down for how I wanted to give birth [at home]. I was beat down for how I ended up giving birth [preeclampsia induction] and how I handled it [by moaning when it got painful and not practicing my hyperventilation breathing techniques].I'm beat down for not giving him table food since week two. I'm beat down for letting him sleep at naptimes. I'm beat down for holding him and refusing to let him cry when I can fix the situation. I'm beat down for not listening to "old wives tales" and following the WHOs recommendations. I really could go on and on for days on everything that they think I'm doing wrong. And when I try to explain WHY we're doing what we're doing, short of shouting that IT WORKS FOR US...I'm shut down. I'm stupid. I don't know anything. I must be a glutton for put-downs...I keep coming back for more.

And as if that's not bad enough, they completely undermine my parenting. I say no, they say yes. I say right, they go left. It drives me insane. This entire weekend, my poor baby has not had a decent nap unless I'm standing guard over him making sure no one touches him. I get that you don't see him as much as you'd like [every day], but he needs his sleep. When he's disorganized during the day, he's disorganized at night. He can't sleep through the night. And as the blessed mom of a pretty good sleeper, that doesn't fly well. When he fights me for hours at bedtime, that's no bueno. When he wakes up at 5am screaming at the top of his lungs for no reason, that's no bueno. You know why? Because none of you are there to deal with the consequence of said actions.

Which brings me to another point... I almost screamed today. Every single person there today would grab him, play with him, get him riled up, and as soon as he got the teeniest bit upset--they'd hand him off. Nevermind that he just ate and you're sloshing the contents of his full belly around and it hurts. Nevermind that he probably just wants to go from sitting to standing. Nevermind you're probably squeezing him too tightly. No. Where's mom. SHE deals with the fussiness. *I*, deal with the happy baby. He was having a tough time with teething tonight so a few minutes after going to someone, he'd be upset that his gums were hurting and he couldn't make it better so he'd cry. I felt like I was playing hot potato. When he calmed down, someone snatched him from my arms. It was horrible.

I'm sorry for the negativity. I've had a pretty decent time this weekend, but I just hate how no one respects me as a mom. They see that I've gotten married and have a baby, yes. But since he's only 5 months old and the only kid I have----I. Know. Ab. So. Lutely. Nothing. about being a parent. Nevermind that all kids are NOT created equal and are not alike or the fact that I've been this kids mom from day one of conception. Pssh- what do I know about my kid, right?

*grumble*