I'm hoping that I'm not going to ruffle any feather, singe any butthairs, or upset anyone. I just need a safe place to talk and that's what Mommyhood has become for me. I know it'll get back to anyone I don't really want to read this, but *shrugs*. If I made this thing private, it'd defeat it's purpose. So here I go.
I've never really "believed" in depression. Or any other medically diagnosed thing dealing with moods and emotions. I've always felt that I had the power over my emotions. If I felt down, I could kick myself in the butt and make myself feel better. If I felt a little out of focus, I could always hunker down and get on with it. I think I've been "clinically depressed" once in my life. I remember being anorexic by clinical standards and instead of checking myself into some sort of rehab or talking to someone about it, my mom forced me to eat dinner. So you see, I've always felt like I could just change things if I felt like it. And to some degree I still do.
But I canNOT shake this feeling lately. Every day it's something. I'll be in such a good mood and then I'm down. I want to sit and just veg. I don't want to talk. I don't want to move. I don't want to watch. I don't want to listen. I just want to be. I don't care if anyone is around or not, it doesn't bother me. I just want to be. And I'm usually down and out and just overall sad about one thing or another. It's really bothering me.
I want to be happy all the time. At least like I used to be. Austin makes me happy. Why can't I be happy all the time? I have no one to talk to. I can't even facebook my feelings anymore because people decide that they need to call and talk about it. Can't I just update my status without everyone wanting to know what the deal is?
I don't know. Things really suck balls right now and it's not fun. I have so much to say and virtually no one or nowhere to say it. Do you know how much that sucks?!?!?! And for the life of me, I wish I didn't have any opinionated people around. Someone who just listens, nods and says- "man..." NO OPINIONS. NO JUDGEMENTS.
this post makes absolutely no sense at all.