I'm hoping that I'm not going to ruffle any feather, singe any butthairs, or upset anyone. I just need a safe place to talk and that's what Mommyhood has become for me. I know it'll get back to anyone I don't really want to read this, but *shrugs*. If I made this thing private, it'd defeat it's purpose. So here I go.
I've never really "believed" in depression. Or any other medically diagnosed thing dealing with moods and emotions. I've always felt that I had the power over my emotions. If I felt down, I could kick myself in the butt and make myself feel better. If I felt a little out of focus, I could always hunker down and get on with it. I think I've been "clinically depressed" once in my life. I remember being anorexic by clinical standards and instead of checking myself into some sort of rehab or talking to someone about it, my mom forced me to eat dinner. So you see, I've always felt like I could just change things if I felt like it. And to some degree I still do.
But I canNOT shake this feeling lately. Every day it's something. I'll be in such a good mood and then I'm down. I want to sit and just veg. I don't want to talk. I don't want to move. I don't want to watch. I don't want to listen. I just want to be. I don't care if anyone is around or not, it doesn't bother me. I just want to be. And I'm usually down and out and just overall sad about one thing or another. It's really bothering me.
I want to be happy all the time. At least like I used to be. Austin makes me happy. Why can't I be happy all the time? I have no one to talk to. I can't even facebook my feelings anymore because people decide that they need to call and talk about it. Can't I just update my status without everyone wanting to know what the deal is?
I don't know. Things really suck balls right now and it's not fun. I have so much to say and virtually no one or nowhere to say it. Do you know how much that sucks?!?!?! And for the life of me, I wish I didn't have any opinionated people around. Someone who just listens, nods and says- "man..." NO OPINIONS. NO JUDGEMENTS.
*sigh*
this post makes absolutely no sense at all.
"man..." I'm sorry you can't find any good listeners who don't want to diagnose you or fix all your problems.
ReplyDeleteYou make total sense to me!
ReplyDeleteWhatever you're going through I'm sure it will pass with time. As for needing people to talk to why not let those same friends who call to discuss your updated Facebook status know how you feel. You just need them to put their judgements on hold and let you get out everything you're keeping bottled up. Or you could always reach to a pen pal. I'm sure there has to be someone on here that you've connected with through your blog that you can write to.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand where you're coming from because I've been finding myself in that same place lately. Motherhood is tough and it's not that Austin doesn't make you happy it's just that being a mom, wife, and all the other hats you wear can be emotionally draining over time. We try so hard to tell ourselves that nothing is wrong when really there is something wrong. And that's not something to be ashamed or afraid of. It's natural and a part of life.
Take those moments when you just want to be alone to journal down your thoughts and emotions. Then later go back and read what you wrote and note how you can fix the issues. And don't forget that prayer changes things too. When we've done the best that we can do, that's when we have to turn it over to the higher powers and let them move the mountain.
I wish you the best and hope that this passes and you're able to get back to your usual self.
*sits beside you* *doesn't say a word* *waits until you are ready*
ReplyDeleteBTW, if you ever want to say something anonymously and get feedback, try posting something on Blerapy. It's and anonymous blog for everyone hosted by me and Supah Mommy. Let me know if you need the link.
I'm new to your blog so I am going to go with '...man...and give a one arm hug/squeeze'
ReplyDeletehey new friend. . as a mama who was diagnosed with clinical depression over 10 years ago, i feel ya. i've been on & off meds, but have finally come to the realization that i need to remain consistant with taking something, or else i get in a funk. a yucky, mean, irrational funk. . my advice: do whatever it takes to take care of you during those times.
ReplyDeleteIm with Babes Mani- Im new to the blog but...
ReplyDelete"Man..."
xo