somebody haaaaaaalp!

can you hear me screaming and pleading with the interwebz? because i am. lol someone please tell me what i can do....

my son is seventeen months old. he'll be eighteen months, a whole year and a half, in ten days. and i'm really excited. i've been looking forward to this age for quite awhile. but here's the thing: he doesn't talk. like still. he hasn't said one. single. word. other than dada, which isn't really a word. the thing is, he does communicate. sometimes pretty effectively. it's just that most of the time he is whining. and when i say whining friends, i mean that they could put him in a room with a hardened criminal and break that guy down after five minutes of austin's whining. it's just straight painful. and i'm totally unsure of what to do.

then there's the bellz. she really is great, unless she wants to be un-great...in which she is never satisfied. and usually it happens at the worst times. like when i'm cooking dinner or when i'm trying to put austin to bed or when i'm finally getting a few moments to myself or, my personal favorite, when i'm stuck in traffic and just can't pull over. for the most part she is content, but then when she's not....all hell breaks loose.

i know that right now my only job is to take care of these kiddos, but lately i'm feeling overwhelmed. can we just be honest here? taking care of kids is hard. yea, i'd definitely say it's a lot easier than being a work-outside-the-home mom. because i can't even imagine having to make sure i had childcare, enough milk, diaper bags packed and everything to go to work five (or more) days per week. i just can't. and i'm glad i don't have to.

part of me feels bad because i feel the need to take a few minutes to myself more often than not these days. with the husband working nights (6pm-6am), i'm literally on my own during the worst part of the day! i can handle daytimes- usually he's gone before we wake up and then he comes back shortly after naptime. but nights?! ugh. first austin cries when daddy leaves and then wants me to hold him. and then bella usually has to eat or needs some encouragement to go to sleep. and of course, my house is a wreck and it brings on anxiety if i don't clean it. and lately, they've been staying up until two or three in the morning...are you catching my drift? two under two is friggin hard.

ugh. but then i don't WANT to complain. because i know people who are trying to have kids. people who've lost children. people who just have it worse off than i do. and for the most part, i have nothing to complain about other than exhaustion. oh and feeling like a single parent (because dad sleeps most of the day anyway). i feel like i'm just losing my mind. like i'm just teetering on the edge of insanity and who knows when i'll just plunge over the side.

this post is really nothing more than a rant. if there's any advice out there, please give it. i'd gladly welcome anything. for now, i'm going to look at pictures that make me happy, get a coffee machine and start chugging on the caffeine several times a day just to make it. and of course, keep praying for strength, patience, and wisdom.

interacting FAIL

on sunday, a couple moms and i had decided to get together and have the kiddos interact. all of us had had a little in the last few months. two of us had two kids under two while the lucky one, heleen, just welcomed her first...baby liam!! it was a lot of fun. keanna {mom of alivia and nate} made an awesome dinner for the whole lot of us and i got to finally see baby liam. but most of all, i was excited for austin to finally have some interaction with other toddlers.

i should've known...he cried practically the entire time...save for like the last hour and a half because he finally felt comfortable. lol and it didn't help the livi was beating the crap out of him!!! serves him right!! he plays rough all. the. TIME. at home, but when the tables turn he wants to cry like a baby. hahaha.. okay okay...i'm just kidding. i felt bad for him when he was legitimately hurt, but i'm kind of torn between wanting to shelter him and wanting him to get out there and get his feet wet when it comes to meeting and hanging with other kids. i know livi didn't mean to hurt him, so i don't fault her at all. she's so adorable. and MAN does she have a personality. let me put it this way...if our daughters imitate us...i'm in a whole MESS of trouble when bella gets older...lol

it was a lot of fun even though he cried a lot. i've gotta get him out and about more often, though. lol

priorities and time

lol. 

i saw this on the fb page of a friend. ain't that the truth?!

it's always funny to me to see who is truly your friend. becoming a wife didn't really change much with friendships. but becoming a mother definitely changed a lot. suddenly, when people ask how i am...it's tired. i'm constantly called lazy because i don't actually "work". people wonder why my car is never clean and always filled with food. no, it's not that i don't clean it. in fact, i try to keep it organized at all times. but having a toddler who likes to throw his snacks rather than eat them....you see where i'm going with this. and honestly, there just really isn't enough time in the day. not to accomplish everything i want AND have an hour or two to myself.

if i had the time, i'd snuggle my kids a lot longer. i'd actually use my kindle and finish reading novels that i've started. speaking of novels, i'd finish the one i've been writing for years. i'd take hour long bubble baths without fear that a wild-banshee of a toddler would come in and disrupt my peace. i'd probably take much better care of my appearance. i'd take an afternoon nap. laundry would be done all the time. i'd probably cook more and clean even more than i already do. yes, friends...if i had the time.

but i don't. and honestly, that's okay.

because seeing my two littles happy, attached and content is all that i need in this world. i'll run on three hours of sleep because i spent all night kissing their little heads and rocking them, gently coo-ing them back to sleep. i'll keep cleaning up the same messes because austin loves his toys...the more spread out the better. i'll wear sweats and have feet badly in need of a pedicure because i chose to hang with the littles rather than spend thirty minutes in the bathroom getting ready and an hour at the salon getting pampered. 

it's so so worth it. and i'm glad that the people who are in my life {who may not understand} completely respect that mommyhood is the craziest time. i may have changed priorities, but i'm still the same ole' girl. 

just with a little less time on her hands, that's all.

help.

over the last few days, i've had to  seriously stop and take a breather. thank the Lord for the hubs. honestly...i can't imagine having to do this part alone. austin is officially a toddler, right? right. so he's been a LOT of more independent and curious and just really darn mean lately. take a few nights ago, for example..*insert dream sequence music*

we're in the bathtub and he's being his usual self, playing and all that jazz. admittedly, i'm eating some eggrolls and reading a magazine. because, hey! that was the only time i could relax. anywayz...he's playing. i'm noming. then he stands up and starts playing with the soap dish thingy. well that's normal. except then he starts trying to yank on it. that's not cool. not only is it not safe...we have to pay for it to get fixed. and that's a definite no-no. so i tell him that we don't do that, it's not safe and remove him from the situation by sitting him down and giving him toys to play with. crisis averted. ......temporarily. he goes at it again. and again. and every time, i say the same thing and try to distract him. eventually he starts wailing like i've just ended his entire world and i call dad in to remove him from the bathtub entirely. when he got out, i sat there and prayed quietly for guidance and grace, hugged myself for not losing my mind, and got out of the tub.

*end dream sequence*

that's just one example of his latest meltdowns. but there are plenty...like the time *dreamy music again*

he was whining and as a way to hopefully make him laugh, i whined louder. he looked at me and then smacked me dead in the face as if to say, "we don't cry around here suckafoo. suck it up!"

*end*

and don't even get me started if he can't have the wireless mouse or keyboard that mommy is using. or the super hot flatiron mommy is using to straighten her hair. or her makeup brushes...brand new, might i add. or ANYTHING remotely NOT like his toys that he shouldn't be playing with. or anytime he's doing something unsafe and i'm just trying to save his life....

*sigh*

what do i do? i don't want to spank him. i remember being so hurt when my parents hit me. and there's that whole hypocrisy thing. [ex: we don't hit...*SMACK!*]...i tell him 'no' and he says "da!" right back. and he just doesn't get the time out thing yet...but when he's a bit older we are FOR SURE implementing that one. what do you mommy's out there in mommyland do? because this mommy is lost....heeeeeeeeeeeelp.

that was my cry for help.

i could also use your clicky help!!!! ♥

baby, let me whine you down.

austin got a new car seat yesterday. you can read about that whole carseat thang over here. we tried installing it in daddy's car and ended up spending so. much. time. working on it. after a certain point, we just decided to turn it around.

i know. i know. this is what happens when i open my mouth and make a decision about something. i'm still not comfortable with it and had to refrain from turning around every few seconds. even though i had to keep feeding him vanilla wafers to keep him happy.

so anyway. 

this was his face. he'd never seen the front of the car before. he kept drinking milk from his sippy cup and then letting it dribble down his face. i was like, "austin! you're gonna get all stinky and dirty!" he didn't care.

lol

daddy needed a gps to work on land navigation so we went to Cabellas. i'd never been so i was pretty anxious to see what all the fuss was all about. and i was NOT disappointed!!

this fish was HUGE!

um, i so didn't know that a wolverine was real.

he was pretty taken aback by this big guy below...

HOLY POLAR BEAR BATMAN!

this pic was taken as we were headed up the escalator....where things went HORRIBLY sour.

so they have a cafe there...i think it was called cascades or something like that. it was around time for us to have lunch so we decided to sit there and enjoy what they had. plus they had deer sausage so i was salivating already. as we were ordering our food, austin started whining. we tried passing him back and forth and making him laugh but that just made the whining worse.

after getting our food and sitting at our table, charlie decided to walk around the store to keep him occupied while i ate then we would switch. so they took off and i tried to eat my philly steak sandwich [sans mayo and with roast beef and canned mushrooms...um. GROSS.] eventually they came back and austin's whining got worse.

i could see people around us starting to look up at the whiny kid. i felt my body temperature rise so i announced to charlie that we needed to-go containers because we were leaving that very minute. charlie and i had discussed numerous times [usually after watching some poor helpless mom or dad trying to deal with screaming child and in turn, ruining our outing] that if this ever happened to us, we were going to leave. no matter what stage of the meal, grocery shopping, movie, museum visit, etc we were on. i don't want to be one of those families that annoys everyone else...especially when they're paying their hard earned money to enjoy themselves!

so we left. 

i held austin in the car and gave him his milk and he was out like a light! and he's been sleep ever since. lol little bugger.

quick photog question: do y'all mamas wear your camera around your neck when you're out in public taking pictures or do you keep it in your bag until you're ready for it? i felt so touristy...thankfully Cabella's is a tourist attraction over here. lol

it's about that time. [lots of linkys]

austin's first birthday is fast approaching. he's a chunky little thing at twenty plus pounds and he's surprisingly tall...or at least he seems to be. today while heading to the park, i noticed his toes were starting to dangle over the edge of the carseat. we're still using his bucket seat from Chicco. i, personally, love the thing. and it's safety rating ain't too shabby either! i've known since before he was born that i'd like to keep him rear facing for as long as possible, and especially as long as the guidelines weren't met [one year AND twenty pounds]. and now that the time is near, its' time to start looking into our options.

i'd heard a lot about extended rear facing with other crunchy nut mamas. and to be honest, it's quite genius. i'm not sure why it's considered "trendy" or "not practical"...but to some families it is. and hey- if there's one thing i've learned with parenting...what works for you is what you should do. because honestly..you're the one who has to deal with it. austin HATES his carseat. i mean, loathes it with a passion. the kid freaks when we put him in. just today...i had to pacify him with a french fry before he started crying. and when he was nursing, i'd take him out frequently and nurse him in the car. i know, i know...mommy fail.

one reason i've heard a lot of parents turning their kids around is to stop the child from screaming and whatnot. well isn't that awesome! maybe if i turn him around he'll feel better?! who knows? in any case, i've heard of some parents doing it at five and seven months. and frankly..that's just too soon. or i've heard of them turning as soon as the child his twenty pounds. well if you've gotta chunka like me...that's pretty soon too. i'm no expert or anything, but facts are facts...and when they stare you down, it's hard to deny their legit-ness. [oh yes...i said it.]

i found this wicked sick blog today after perusing some other blogs talking about this very issue. i think everyone should read it. talk about in-depth and thorough! i feel so much more prepared to deal with this after just reading that! and there's also this blog too. great info there as well.

what have we decided? well, i'd like to keep him rear facing as long as possible. because let's face it, seattle drivers are nuts! lately i've been having too many close calls for comfort. i don't like driving, but i know i'm safe. i just don't trust anyone else and my kiddos life is far more important to me than his comfort level. lol i'm going to look into safety ratings of some convertible carseats and hopefully buy one for him tomorrow. i'm also going to see if i can find a portable dvd player for entertainment sake. wouldn't that be schweet? let's hope he likes this better than his current car seat...because sometimes the screaming just drives us nutzo.

i read this great quote too: broken legs, cast it. broken neck, casket.

um. that pretty much made the decision for me. lol

*insert panic attack here*

Show of hands: how many of y'all watch Supernanny on the style network? *raise hands* Yea, me too. Show of hands now: how many of you get a little worried every time you see those hellions *ahem* kids acting up?

I know I do.

I am deathly afraid of doing something wrong in the early stages of parenting and royally screwing up my kiddo[s] in the discipline department! I grew up knowing that if I acted up at all, I'd be spanked and totally embarrassed. [because spanking in the middle of the grocery store was traumatizing as a kid] And while I can *kinda* see the thought process behind it, [because yes, I've wanted to, on several occasions, lightly tap this kid's chunky legs for his bad behavior]...ultimately, solving problems with violence is abuse. However you want to spin it, it's not right.

Right now our big issue is his hitting. How much sense would it make if we said, "no hitting", by hitting him? Hypocritical, much? I think so.

In any case, I looove Jo's tips. I never believed time-out could work until I saw her put it into action. I love that there has to be a specific way for things to be done. I guess it appeals to the OCD in me. I just hope I can master it before I need to enlist her actual help. lol

UGH.

I think my baby has ringworm.

Excuse me while I go slam my head on the nearest hard surface.

::headesk::

Let's Talk About Sleep, Baby

It's a little before 5am and I've been tossing and turning since roughly 3:45am when my husband was woken up so he could take his sister and nephew to the airport. I'm pretty good about going back to sleep after he gets out of bed [I wake up because we've usually tangled our bodies together somehow- we're awesome like that], but I couldn't do that successfully because of the cries that emitted from the little kidlet. I was just praying that he wouldn't wake my sweet babe up.

And since I'm awake....let's talk about sleep.

I don't consider myself a sleep expert by any means. I think I was suuuuper blessed with a child who enjoys sleeping almost as much as mommy and daddy do. We had the best dogs too. They were lazy just like me. :] When A was first born, we had some nights where both him and I were up, stumbling around, just staring at each other....some nights where he went back to sleep easily....and those nights where he screamed, cried, and thrashed and I screamed, cried, and thrashed along with him. On those nights, my husband seemed to sleep incredibly peacefully. I don't know how, but one time I had to literally punch/slap him HARD to wake him up. That all being said, I hardly felt sleep deprived. 

My kid slept really well during the day. For the first few days, I attempted to get things done around the house or the blog. But eventually, I just started lying down on the couch and snoozing along with him. I tell ya, motherhood got pretty boring so I slept. My kiddo was awake and then back down within a 2-3 hour window. And he slept for 1-3 hours at a time. It was glorious. During those first few months, I just nursed him and/or rocked him until he fell asleep.

Then he started wanting to stay up with mommy and daddy at night. I really missed my husband and our carefree days and so we started trying to get him to bed a few hours before we went down. It was working great. Most nights, we'd bathe and I'd put him to sleep in his crib. When he woke up in the middle of the night, the hubbin would bring him to me and I'd nurse him back to sleep and let him sleep in our bed. We still co-slept for convenience and bonding, but we also got a few hours of alone time. And I also realized that I slept better when he wasn't in our bed.

Sooooo many people had their ideas and opinions about sleeping. They theorized that if we didn't get him out of our bed or off the boob, I'd never get my bed back. It was more important to me that we get decent sleep and still bond with our kiddo, so this new arrangement was perfect for us. And truthfully, we weren't ready to have him completely out of our bed. We continued this way for a few months and everything was golden. I don't remember what the trigger was, but at some point, Austin decided his crib sucked and he never wanted to sleep in it again! lol Then we went back to cosleeping fulltime. It was hard because I missed spreading out and not worrying about smacking my kid, but it was so much easier to have my shirt off and let him nurse to his hearts content all night without having to wake up. We all slept pretty good then too.

BUT THEN. Sore nipples made their way into my life. CONSTANT. NURSING was the enemy.

I had just started school and couldn't sleep well due to Austin's nursing marathons. When I say he nursed all night, I am not kidding. LITERALLY. ALL. NIGHT. I'm all for being attached, but GEEZ! It was at that point that I implemented the "Dad-Is-Going-To-Contribute-Even-If-It-Kills-Him" sleep method. Here's how it works: During the day time, we aim for two naps. If he takes them great, if not...oh well. I won't lose sleep over it [heehee]. He is no longer allowed to sleep past 4, but ideally 3pm. We play and eat and hang out all evening. Around 7, he starts fussing because he's tired, but he can't sleep....yet. We play s'more. Our bedtimes around here are closer to 9 and 10 than earlier just because of our lifestyle. So around 8, we'll give him a bath. Usually I take one with him. We'll lotion him up and dress him in something comfy depending on the temperature. Before I got pregnant, I'd nurse him, but since switching to formula, I'll either feed him a warm bottle or daddy will. Then I kiss him and hand him over to dad. Dad takes him to his dark bedroom and silently rocks him to sleep. If he wakes up [and I do say if, because lately he's sleeping 8-12 hours at at time], daddy rushes in and silently rocks him back to sleep. If after 20-30 minutes the kiddo doesn't go back down, dad will either bring him to me or make him a bottle. Then usually I'll feed him and let him sleep with us for the rest of the night or dad will put him back in his crib once he conks back out. 

Of course there are variations, such as no baths, reading books, watching tv after the bath and whatnot. And you better believe there are nights he just WON'T go back to sleep or won't go initially at all so we just bring him to bed with us. But for the most part, it works like a charm. I haven't slept this well in a long time. This started as a way to avoid sore nipples and has morphed into a way to transition him to his bed so that when Baby B arrives, we don't have more than three bodies in this small bed. 

Like I said, I'm no sleep expert. And my baby is certainly the most chillaxed baby I have ever met. If all those other methods haven't worked for you, give mine a try. It's kind of a mixture of things, but we just don't do self-soothing here. Don't get me wrong, our kiddo can soothe himself just fine, but we just believe it's our responsibility to love on that kid and help him feel secure enough to let sleep take over and to really enjoy sleep. 

And honestly, I recommend The Baby Book to any and every parent. First time or not. Seriously. This book has saved my sanity!

To Halloween or Not?

I know it's November and Halloween is over, but this past weekend I came across an interesting post on Facebook and I'm just curious what other people think. The status was about how annoying it was that people asked what their plans were for halloween and what their kids were dressing up as and they couldn't wait for this evil "holiday" to be over. I, always curious about people who cite religious reasons to not celebrate, asked why. This was her answer: (copied and pasted)

Well yeah kinda religious reasons. Long story short, when Was in 2nd grade the teacher asked a question about why dinosaurs are extinct and i said something to the effect of becauseGod knew that humans and dinosaurs wouldnt get along. well the teacher told me we couldnt talk about God in school and it upset me so when i got home snd told my mom she called the school, gave them a piece of her mind and pretty much stopped halloween celebrations. i havent done it since then. also...sorry to say but there is no nice way to celebrate it. if you partake in those "festivities", you are still celebrating a "holiday" that has truely evil and satanic roots and traditions. its just been hidden so ppl could pretend its ok and feel ok about it. i found a very eye opening video on youtube if anyone is interested.


I thought it was interesting.


I consider myself to be a "Jesus Freak". I've actually been called that. Cute, huh? I can remember feeling completely lost when we learned about evolution and all that jazz in school because it went against everything I believed about God and Creation. What comes first, the chicken or the egg has ALWAYS bugged me. lol. 


I had a similar situation happen when I came home and was upset because I didn't know what to do when the teacher asked me a question or I was tested on how the world came to be. Do I answer the question based on what I believe or what the teacher told me. I don't remember who told me: maybe my mom or my grandma...it could've even been God (I really don't remember ever saying this out loud). But I came to the conclusion that God wanted me to do well in school. I can live in this world and not be of this world. It was important to Him that I do well in school and to do that, I had to answer the question the way the teacher wanted me to. By answering those questions, I wasn't denying God outright. I still fully believed in Him and claimed Him as my Savior.


I did some searching on the origins of Halloween (thanks Wiki) and discovered that it is widely linked to Celtic tradition. Go read about it why don'tcha. Cool.


So I wonder, why do or don't you celebrate Halloween?


Here at our house, we go to pumpkin patches, carve pumpkins, eat fall type foods, may or may not dress up....I hate trick or treating but will do so for the kiddos...I guess I'd say we celebrate Fall and the festivities that come along with that. In all honesty, it bugged the crapola outta me when kids wouldn't be there for Halloween, Thanksgiving, or Christmas parties at school or when I heard about people ruining it for other kids. I'm all about sticking to your guns, but it just bugs me when kids miss out on innocent parties and gatherings with their friends. Those were some of the funnest times in school as a kid. *shrugs*


What do y'all think?

I AM Good Enough

Today, I learned the real meaning of "You don't have to be perfect, just good enough". I was woken up by the husband at 0500 because the babe was awake and he couldn't feed him a bottle since there wasn't any breast milk for him and he didn't want to take him to the sitter without any. I'd been silently stewing all weekend over it because I knew I wasn't pumping at all. I finally made the decision to supplement.

UGH. Guys..I cried. I sobbed. I fed my sweet babe the bottle of *gulp* formula and he went right to sleep...while I cried.

I felt like such a failure. Like, if only I hadn't gotten pregnant so soon, I could've at least made it a year without incident. I know if I didn't have school and work and other commitments I could probably do it, but with my running around all over the place, running on little sleep, trying to keep up my milk supply...it's just not happening.

And you know what...things haven't been as bad as I thought they would.

I do feel like I have a little more energy. I love being able to relax instead of retreating to the dressing room off the lobby to pump. I like that he doesn't mind at all. I love that we still nurse when I'm at home. I love that I don't have to stress about making sure there's enough milk for the next day.

And shh...I like that he didn't fight one bit tonight going to bed.

Am  I horrible?

Don't get me wrong! I am still 100% pro-breastfeeding and absolutely hate that I even had to do this. I'm hoping that I can make it to a year with Baby B. And let me remind you myself...

I EXCLUSIVELY breastfed Austin for 7.5 months.

I am still breastfeeding at 8.5 months. Supplementing will only be when we're separated.

My kid has a WICKED immune system and is thriving thriving THRIVING.

He doesn't even notice there's anything different and still prefers his mommy over the bottle.

I don't have to be perfect...just good enough.

I'm not a bad mom at all. I'm still feeding my kid. It may not be what I chose for him, but God has had a way of showing me that HE runs things from the beginning of my journey as a mom. [ie: planning my birth when it can't be planned, getting pregnant despite thinking that i couldn't, breastfeeding, etc.] So I'm bowing out and leaving it in His hands.

why I love attachment parenting so much.

Before I even know APing even existed, I knew I wanted to do it when I had kids. See, it's been pointed out to me [several times, actually] that I have issues. And that's all fine and dandy .I recognize all of this and have struggled with "do I actually go see someone or should I stick with what's been working so far?"...I don't know. I guess you readers can be the judge of that.

I'm not here to tell you that CingIO and Ferberizing and all other variations of it are going to ruin your child. I'm not here to tell you to do things that will make you pull your hair out [like holding a screaming/thrashing child to the point that YOU are screaming/thrashing along with him]. I'm not here to tell you how to do a darn thing. But I will tell you this: As a person who's entire family believes that children AREN'T human beings and therefore, don't require much care and compassion or sensitivity, it can have dramatic effects on their lives.

I don't even think they realize that they do it. But in my experience, I felt like a second class citizen in my own home from the time I could formulate an opinion until I literally ran for the hills and disappeared into Seattle. And even today, I feel like they just don't see me as a person. Emotions are not okay in my family. Unless the occasion calls for it. IE: Funerals, weddings, graduations, etc. Showing weakness is another one of those things. Nope. You have to be strong. In my Psychology of the Artistic Self class, we're talking about the effects of your life on your art. One thing we was discussing today was how artists tend to be more sensitive than most people. This isn't everyone, but a good portion of the majority. Emotions run deep with artists. If you don't believe me, just look around. Since I'm one of the few true artists within my immediate family [this includes grandparents and aunts and uncles because I was surrounded by them], I find that I am a pretty emotional and sensitive person. When I feel an emotion it tends to consume me and I won't let go of it until I'm done experiencing it. And I tend to feel an emotion rather easily.

Because of this, I am labeled as a drama- queen. Whatever. That's fine. But that doesn't mean that my emotions are any less real because you don't understand why I'm feeling that way.

Another thing I've noticed is that my family is, honestly, full of mindless drones. If the majority feel that something should be a certain way, they all do it that way. Really..it's kinda scary. I'm the one who always asks "WHY?" And because I ask questions, formulate educated/and sometimes uneducated opinions that are more than likely on the other end of  the spectrum from them....I'm wrong. Not only am I wrong...but I'm stupid, an idiot, I don't know anything, and "when you fail, I'm going to tell you I told you so". I've gotta say, doesn't that make you want to trust them with your deepest darkest secrets and fears?! *shakeshead*

I got into YET ANOTHER screaming match with my mother. Looking back, I'm not even sure what it was about, but we got on the subject of nurturing. Quite honestly, I don't feel as if I've ever been nurtured. When I skinned my knee, it was dusted off and I was waved away. When I got my heartbroken, I was told to suck it up and stop crying over boys. When I struggled with an eating disorder, I was told to go eat. Whenever I cry, I'm told that I'm too emotional and a drama-queen. You see what I mean? No nurturing that I can ever recall. I wish I could get my point across when I say this: I am so desperate for a nurturing person in my life. I would kill for someone to just care, to just listen, and to not judge me or call me names or put me down. When I make a mistake, hurt myself, or fall flat on my face, I would love it if I was scooped up and had my hair smoothed back while they hugged me and told me it was going to be okay.

No matter what. No matter how they felt about me or the situation. No matter how much they have going on in their lives. They'd drop everything in that instant and be there for me. I crave that more than you know.

Instead of repeating this sad cycle with my own child, I'm changing it NOW. I won't smother him. I won't force him to be attached to me. But when he is crying or upset, I'll be there. No matter how I might feel, no matter how tired I am, no matter how angry I am that he is screaming and crying and won't lay down or won't eat or won't whatever...I will be there.

I'm not going to lie, I cringe a little every time I hear about someone letting their child CIO. Let me say: I am not judging you nor do I think you're a horrible person who is setting your child up for issues down the road. There are plenty of well adjusted people who don't have any issues from what their parents did when they were babies. I'm just telling you my story. I'm telling you why I can't just leave him crying. Even if I have to sit there and numb all of my senses and just rock and rock and shh and soothe him the only way I know how...I just can't. I never want him to feel as if I wasn't there for him.

Ugh. IDK why I even posted this. Sorry...

okay, so seriously...

I'm watching The View and they're commenting on parents and children kissing on the lips.

They're also commenting on parents bathing with their children.

Regarding the first.

Austin and I kiss. 

Austin and Charlie kiss. 

Sometimes Austin gives tongue. In no way is it hot. lol

It's really slobbery, actually. 

[is slobbery a word?]

For as long as he'll let me, I will kiss my kid. If you think it's inappropriate, get outta here! 

Regarding the second.

I bathe with Austin. Charlie hates baths. My mom and sister and I took baths together up until I was at LEAST 8...I think we even did a few times when I was 12. 

We only stopped because we all got too big for sharing the bath!

When Austin is old enough to recognize that his body parts are different from mommy's...

then we'll stop doing that.

Over all.

I think people, adult people, are perverted.

How do you take something that is filled with innocence and turn it into a sex-charged thing?

Nothing about Austin or other children triggers sexual feelings, so why are you ruining moments with my child by adding your perverted two cents. 

True, no one has said anything to me personally, but I'm sure at some point it'll happen. 

Especially since I'm still breastfeeding and my kid knows where the food comes from.

The masses never cease to amaze me with their stupidity. 

I'm off my soapbox now. 

Dark Times

I owe it to myself [and to my readers] to break it down and keep it real. So that's what I'm doing.

I'm having another rough time with mommyhood. Going in, you know you're going to deal with stuff and you'll have those down days. And I thought that if I made it through the beginning, I'd make it through anything down the road. I've been very very blessed to have such a chill, relaxed kiddo. He really has made the transition from young military wife to mommy a lot easier than others. [so I've heard]. But he has his moments.

At least 3 times now in the last seven days, I have been done. I have taken all that I can take. My breaking point has been reached and exceeded several times over. I've drawn on as much patience as I can muster. I've sat in the rocking chair completely numb and cut off emotionally because if I connected that part of my heart and brain, I'd go bananas. Fit me with my straight jacket because I'd be certifiable.

It only lasts about ten-twenty minutes, but I don't want to be a mommy in those few moments. I don't care how, but I want him to shut up. Not in a morbid way or that I'm hoping he gets hurt or anything. But all of my attachment parenting advice goes out the window and I'd give anything for a kid who would just be SILENT. If that means I have to run away to get away from his cries...i. need. silence.

Then comes the guilt. How could I possibly want to be away from the cutest kid ever? His laugh and smile absolutely melt my heart. He is the beloved of my soul. I prayed for him and waited anxiously for 38+weeks to see his smiling face and to hold him in my arms. How dare I not cherish the gift God has given me?

I don't know if this is fleeting and if I'll never feel this way again. But I have to be honest about my journey through motherhood. If anything, to make other moms feel that it's okay to have conflicting feelings and it's normal. Comments are surely welcome!!!

♥

Am I Not Normal?

Is there something wrong with me? Is it not okay to be a little unsure of the decisions you're making? Is it bad that I go back and forth on things and get lots of opinions [both pro and con] regarding any decision? Is it wrong to want to make sure that you are in line with what God has planned for your life? The wonderful thing about Him is that He has given us the ability to make our own choices. Good or bad...we can decide what we want to do. [At least that's how I see it.] I've made plenty of bad decisions and, in hindsight, I can see that those things weren't pleasing to Him.

My favorite verse is Psalm 37:4....."Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart". He and I both know that I desire more children, so I'm not worried that I'll be blessed with more at some point in life. But I want to make sure it's on His time..not my own. That's not saying that if I keep having unprotected sex and get pregnant without consulting Him that He's going to hate me or anything. I just know that I've experienced making decisions on my own and have seen firsthand that I don't know what's best for me all of the time.

So tell me...am I weird?

I have a tendency to have "buyers remorse". I agonize over what to "buy" [or do] and then once I loosely make up my mind [or in this case, the future is already predetermined], I start to have doubts. Only once I've made up my mind do I feel good about it. Does that make sense? C and I were all about more babies. We talked about it, dreamed of names, talked with our families and friends, and then left it at that. We thought about the good and the bad. A few people pointed out some cons that made us rethink our decision  to just go for it. Welp..then we had sex. Cause you know, that's what married people do. We didn't use a condom. I don't feel the panic like I used to... [you know, before I was married]. He can take me if he wants...I won't stop him. lol Afterwards, I got up and peed and went on my marry little way. And wouldn't you know it? IT HAPPENED AGAIN. *shrugs* oh well.

Then I started thinking.. "oh snap! I could be ovulating......cool....awesome. Hmm..I wonder if I'll get pregnant" I was super positive about it. Starting seeing more preggers women all over the place. It was awesome. Starting thinking about cloth dipes and little bows and birthing plans and all that jazz. Then the night before I took the test...buyers remorse. "Crap..I'm not ready..am I?....I mean we could make it work for sure....but I still feel all over the place when it comes to being a first time mommy...*self doubt* ..can I juggle two?....I'm sure I could, but I'm already exhausted...meh...it'd be awesome though...but what about Austin...would he like having a sibling so close to him?...craaaaap" But I woke up the next morning and felt at peace with whatever had already been decided.

Does that mean I'm not ready for a baby? I don't think so...but I wonder what you all think.

GUEST POST: Baby Sign Language w/ Misty Weaver

I'm excited for this guest post!! Misty Weaver is the editor-in-chief for BabySignLanguage.com and when she contacted me asking if I'd be interested in sharing a post with my readers I was all for it! I've heard of BSL and wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it. I don't know too many signs or anything, but I definitely have tried a few with Austin just to try and get the whole thing started. I'm super excited to dive head first into BSL with Austin and I'd love to share with any of you who may or may not know what it is  or may be interested in it as well.

Enjoy!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++♥♥♥♥♥+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Baby Sign Language – 4 Steps For Beginners
Baby sign language is easy to learn and lots of fun. It’s usually best to start off with signs you and baby can practice every day – signs like Mommy, Daddy, Milk and More are great for beginners. To make a start all you need to do is learn a few simple signs and practice, practice, practice. Here are four important steps for Baby Signing beginners…


Step 1: Learn The Signs Yourself First
Although the signs are easy to master it’s a good idea to practice them yourself a few times before signing to baby. Either attend a baby signing class or look up some free online resources to help you learn your first signs. Limit yourself to only four or five to begin with – you can add more signs when you and baby are more confident.

Once you have learned a sign yourself, you should make this sign every time you say the word to your baby. It is really important to say the word clearly, with good eye contact, while pointing to the thing or person you are describing. Sign when your baby is alert and not too tired, using something which is really exciting to her, such as Milk or Mummy.


Step 2: Repeat, Repeat, Repeat
Repetition is the key to baby sign language. It’s important to remember to make the sign and say the word every time you do an action or use an object. This can feel strange at first, but with practice it will become second-nature. Babies learn through repetition and it can take about two months of exposure to a sign for babies over six months to learn the sign and be ready to use it themselves. You can use Baby Sign Language when you’re shopping, playing, feeding – anywhere you get the chance. Be creative.


Step 3: Be Patient!When beginning to sign with your baby don’t expect too much from her too soon. Have fun and enjoy signing, making it a part of your day, but don’t be too results-focused. Be patient with yourself too – if you forget to sign for a day or two it’s OK. Just start again the next day. Remember, it can take at least two months of exposure to, and repetition of, a sign for a baby to learn it properly. Give yourself and baby plenty of time.


Step 4: Encourage All Efforts
When your baby does start to sign encourage her efforts enthusiastically! Don’t worry too much if she hasn’t got the sign quite ‘right’ – the important thing is she’s starting to communicate with you by signing and that’s a big step. Give plenty of praise, attention and eye-contact to show her you are really impressed with her efforts. When you and baby are ready you can move on to another group of signs. And don’t forget – Baby Sign Language Flash Cards are another great learning tool.


Misty Weaver
Chief Editor, Baby Sign Language
http://www.babysignlanguage.com/

Weeks 2 and 3

My how time flies when you're having fun!! We're into our third week as a new family and things are finally getting into a good groove. I don't dare say schedule because we feel that we had a baby to enhance our lives. We don't want him to conform to our old way of life, ykwim? We're all making changes and adjustments to form a completely new way of living. I know there are families out there that need/want to do things differently and that's great! I consider myself super blessed to have the lifestyle we do have.

Austin is such a great baby. I feel like those talks we had while he was in-utero really helped. He sleeps a good portion of the day and he's sleeping 2-3 hours stretches at night. Sometimes he cluster feeds every hour, sometimes he won't wake up at all during the night. Don't get me wrong, there are times I want to pull my hair out because I'm so tired but he doesn't want to stop nursing...but I really wouldn't change a thing. I'm cherishing this time with him because I know it'll be long gone much too soon. Aside from the sleeping, he rarely cries. He can be fussy, but that's usually quieted by nursing or just holding him. He LOVES being held. Especially against your chest. I think it's the heartbeat and the warmth. The two times he actually will cry are during some diaper changes and right after bath time. My little guy doesn't enjoy being naked!! I think he just HATES being cold. My aunt brought us a wipes warmer so that helps with overnight changes. He's starting to sleep through those too. Our nighttime "routine" [if you will] is to give him a bath with night time soap/lotion. You know the kind that has lavender essence and such. He likes being in the water and mostly drifts off to sleep. I like getting in with him and just holding him close and sometimes nursing him in the bath. He doesn't like the actual washing part or getting out and getting dressed. He screams his HEAD off! Charlie and I are developing speed-lotioning/dressing skills!!  After his bath, usually we'll retire to our bedroom where we have the rocking chair and I'll nurse him until he goes to bed and then we'll all climb in and drift off to sleep.

At his two week well baby check up, we got AWESOME feedback. He's put on a whole pound since birth, which also means he'd grown an entire 1lb4oz since he'd dropped four ounces at the hospital! Yay for breastmilk! He's grown an inch and his head has grown a centimeter. So his two week stats are as follows:

Weight: 6lb6oz

Length: 19 inches

Head Circ: 35 cm

Breastfeeding is going GREAT! We're regressing back with some latching issues but that's mostly due to the fact that he had a pacifier all weekend whenever he wasn't nursing. Despite all my efforts [short of blowing a gasket and going off], no one listens to me. I'm beginning to realize I have to put my foot down and take drastic measures in order to maintain consistency in our parenting choices. *sigh* Oh well... Anyway...we're feeding on cue over here. Whenever he wants it, he gets it. That's helped with my milk production and also, I haven't felt engorged very often! Tomorrow we're going to get some fenugreek so I can pair that with my Mother's Milk Tea. The only thing I DON'T like about BFing is the back pain. My girls are so heavy on my frame that it's killing my back even with supportive bras. I wonder if I can get some kind of chiro appointment or if it would even help at all. 

Hmm what else? I feel pretty fantastic body-wise. I haven't stepped on a scale since my last doc appointment, but I'm comfortably wearing most of my pre-pregnancy clothes and I feel pretty good in my skin. I've been doing ab work to try and tone up there. I can already see the top of my abdominal muscles taking form. Not too surprising though because most of the excess weight was in my lower body. I've got a flab tire/muffin top thing going on in my lower abs but that IS to be expected. Once I get approval from the doc, I'm going to start lifting weights again. I'm excited to get my arms back in shape. And I've started doing squats and lunges to work on toning up my thighs. Can you say cellulite city?!?!?!  Again, I'm not going to force my body back into shape...I want to take my time and do it the right way. That being said, I'm also going to enjoy a little junk every now and then!! For example: I love french fries...I had them for dinner tonight. I'll be paying for it in my next workout!!

That's about all for now! I'll have to upload pictures when I have all the equipment! Until next time...

Happy Due Date Austin!

Today is Austin's due date. Yah....lol. I just KNEW we'd have him before this day came. I'm glad we do too.

We went to church today for the first time as a family with him on the outside. Everyone just LOVED him. They posted a large picture of us on the overhead screen and everyone just ooh'ed and ahh'ed over him. It was great. Next week they're having a baby dedication service and I marked that I was interested in joining in. Charlie has to work so that sucks, but I want it to be done. I want to step out of the way and let God direct us in raising him. I want God's will to prevail over our own. I managed to get a ride arranged by one of the other ladies in church. She's also going to swing by and pick me up anytime I want to do some of the church activities throughout the week when Charlie is working. YAY!

*le sigh* and my life wouldn't be complete if there weren't some kind of drama going on, right? Once again [surprise, surprise], my family is being high drama. My mom is leaving two days early all because I told her that what she said to me was rude and uncalled for. Never mind that it actually was...in her eyes, I was being sensitive and somehow SHE is the victim so she's leaving early. I'm too busy to cater to that kind of drama. I'm not begging her to stay. If she wants to leave, fine. Have a safe trip. I'm not dealing with it anymore.

I'll just be glad to have them out of my parenting business. They are constantly telling me what to do. Not just giving advice, but getting extremely upset if I don't do it their way. Not ONLY getting upset, but calling me a bad mother and a selfish mother; threatening me with what's going to happen if I don't do this and this; and just plain ole' making me feel like crap about my parenting skills and decisions. I can choose not to answer my phone, but with her being here they're able to check in on what's going on. Now, I'll be able to ignore all calls [via cell and skype] and just focus on my family. Don't get me wrong, I love having my mom here. I love her and part of me doesn't want her to go. But there's only so much a person can take, ykwim?

Welp...gotta go to the airport now. Peez.

1 Week PostPartum!

It's been a week since Austin's birth. In fact, as I type this, I was entering into the roughest part of the labor. The part where I went from 3.5cm to 10cm in a little under 2hrs! WOW. I'm still in shock over the whole thing. I had a baby! GEEZ.... For some reason, God trusted me with this little angel.

He's already got a ton of facial expressions. I swearz, my kid haz personality! He sleeps most of the day and is a ton of fun at night, pending I'm not trying to force him to sleep. He's working on keeping his eyes open, which is great. I didn't get to see his beautiful eyes for almost an entire day after he was born. He's starting to recognize his name, or at least he gives me the stinkeye when I call out to him. Attachment parenting is definitely second nature to Charlie and me. I already feel such a strong bond with him. He rarely cries, and whenever he does he calms down just from my talking to him. That's another blessing. He's not super fussy. At least not yet. He cries only when we disturb him [wake him for feedings, diaper changes, etc] and if we don't respond fast enough to his cues overnight.

We're having such a great time being parents. He's all I could've asked for and more than I thought a baby could be. Aside from being super bored from staying inside and sometimes being forced to stay awake because he likes to nurse-nurse-nurse at night...everything is perfect!