wordless{ish} wednesday: looking back

 

breastfeeding.

prior to having kids, i thought breastfeeding was just awkward. i knew i was GOING to do it, but i just couldn't conceive it. and now, two years into motherhood, i can't imagine what life is like without it. austin stopped breastfeeding when i was about a month into my pregnancy with bella. he was 9 months old when he had his first bottle of formula and i cried like a baby. i felt like i had failed him and chosen my second baby over him. it was really traumatic.

bella breastfed practically every single day of her life. from the time she was a few hours old, she's preferred her mama to anything else. she never had formula, thankfully. she went on a bottle-strike after a few months and decided she would only be a breastfed baby. lol. THAT was a lot of fun. <sarcasm>. there were times when i was so disenchanted with breastfeeding, i would've given anything to have her eat or drink something else. and she did at times, but still mama was her go-to food resource. there were days when we didn't get out of bed because she wanted to nurse all day. 

as the days drew closer to our departure from texas, i knew our breastfeeding relationship was also coming to an end. and i was so torn up about it. that fact, alone, almost kept us there in that hellhole of a situation. can you believe it! the first ten days we were separated were excruciatingly painful. i was constantly engorged...my breasts were searching for some kind of relief and i didn't have a pump. i would express a little but it would only make it worse. finally we were together again and she went right back to nursing at night. and i was content. but now, there's nothing. she's not interested. i'm not producing. and my heart is aching.

on one hand, i'm happy because that means freedom and that means my baby is growing up. but at the same time, i'm also sad to see our close relationship (in that way) end. i know that the bond i created with both of my babies will never end or diminish in any way. i can say, with absolute certainty, that i am their FAVORITE. and that makes me feel good. i know those two better than anyone else on this earth. i'm not saying that breastfeeding is the only way to have this kind of relationship. i'm just saying that MY relationship with MY kids is amazingly close because we were fortunate enough to be able to breastfeed. 

if you or someone you know is interested or has questions about breastfeeding, i encourage you to seek out those answers. i'm always available. i'm not certified or anything, but i am passionate. 

and i consider myself a breastfeeding "guru" of sorts. lol

i'm going to miss it. &hearts;

Let's Talk About Sleep, Baby

It's a little before 5am and I've been tossing and turning since roughly 3:45am when my husband was woken up so he could take his sister and nephew to the airport. I'm pretty good about going back to sleep after he gets out of bed [I wake up because we've usually tangled our bodies together somehow- we're awesome like that], but I couldn't do that successfully because of the cries that emitted from the little kidlet. I was just praying that he wouldn't wake my sweet babe up.

And since I'm awake....let's talk about sleep.

I don't consider myself a sleep expert by any means. I think I was suuuuper blessed with a child who enjoys sleeping almost as much as mommy and daddy do. We had the best dogs too. They were lazy just like me. :] When A was first born, we had some nights where both him and I were up, stumbling around, just staring at each other....some nights where he went back to sleep easily....and those nights where he screamed, cried, and thrashed and I screamed, cried, and thrashed along with him. On those nights, my husband seemed to sleep incredibly peacefully. I don't know how, but one time I had to literally punch/slap him HARD to wake him up. That all being said, I hardly felt sleep deprived. 

My kid slept really well during the day. For the first few days, I attempted to get things done around the house or the blog. But eventually, I just started lying down on the couch and snoozing along with him. I tell ya, motherhood got pretty boring so I slept. My kiddo was awake and then back down within a 2-3 hour window. And he slept for 1-3 hours at a time. It was glorious. During those first few months, I just nursed him and/or rocked him until he fell asleep.

Then he started wanting to stay up with mommy and daddy at night. I really missed my husband and our carefree days and so we started trying to get him to bed a few hours before we went down. It was working great. Most nights, we'd bathe and I'd put him to sleep in his crib. When he woke up in the middle of the night, the hubbin would bring him to me and I'd nurse him back to sleep and let him sleep in our bed. We still co-slept for convenience and bonding, but we also got a few hours of alone time. And I also realized that I slept better when he wasn't in our bed.

Sooooo many people had their ideas and opinions about sleeping. They theorized that if we didn't get him out of our bed or off the boob, I'd never get my bed back. It was more important to me that we get decent sleep and still bond with our kiddo, so this new arrangement was perfect for us. And truthfully, we weren't ready to have him completely out of our bed. We continued this way for a few months and everything was golden. I don't remember what the trigger was, but at some point, Austin decided his crib sucked and he never wanted to sleep in it again! lol Then we went back to cosleeping fulltime. It was hard because I missed spreading out and not worrying about smacking my kid, but it was so much easier to have my shirt off and let him nurse to his hearts content all night without having to wake up. We all slept pretty good then too.

BUT THEN. Sore nipples made their way into my life. CONSTANT. NURSING was the enemy.

I had just started school and couldn't sleep well due to Austin's nursing marathons. When I say he nursed all night, I am not kidding. LITERALLY. ALL. NIGHT. I'm all for being attached, but GEEZ! It was at that point that I implemented the "Dad-Is-Going-To-Contribute-Even-If-It-Kills-Him" sleep method. Here's how it works: During the day time, we aim for two naps. If he takes them great, if not...oh well. I won't lose sleep over it [heehee]. He is no longer allowed to sleep past 4, but ideally 3pm. We play and eat and hang out all evening. Around 7, he starts fussing because he's tired, but he can't sleep....yet. We play s'more. Our bedtimes around here are closer to 9 and 10 than earlier just because of our lifestyle. So around 8, we'll give him a bath. Usually I take one with him. We'll lotion him up and dress him in something comfy depending on the temperature. Before I got pregnant, I'd nurse him, but since switching to formula, I'll either feed him a warm bottle or daddy will. Then I kiss him and hand him over to dad. Dad takes him to his dark bedroom and silently rocks him to sleep. If he wakes up [and I do say if, because lately he's sleeping 8-12 hours at at time], daddy rushes in and silently rocks him back to sleep. If after 20-30 minutes the kiddo doesn't go back down, dad will either bring him to me or make him a bottle. Then usually I'll feed him and let him sleep with us for the rest of the night or dad will put him back in his crib once he conks back out. 

Of course there are variations, such as no baths, reading books, watching tv after the bath and whatnot. And you better believe there are nights he just WON'T go back to sleep or won't go initially at all so we just bring him to bed with us. But for the most part, it works like a charm. I haven't slept this well in a long time. This started as a way to avoid sore nipples and has morphed into a way to transition him to his bed so that when Baby B arrives, we don't have more than three bodies in this small bed. 

Like I said, I'm no sleep expert. And my baby is certainly the most chillaxed baby I have ever met. If all those other methods haven't worked for you, give mine a try. It's kind of a mixture of things, but we just don't do self-soothing here. Don't get me wrong, our kiddo can soothe himself just fine, but we just believe it's our responsibility to love on that kid and help him feel secure enough to let sleep take over and to really enjoy sleep. 

And honestly, I recommend The Baby Book to any and every parent. First time or not. Seriously. This book has saved my sanity!

why I love attachment parenting so much.

Before I even know APing even existed, I knew I wanted to do it when I had kids. See, it's been pointed out to me [several times, actually] that I have issues. And that's all fine and dandy .I recognize all of this and have struggled with "do I actually go see someone or should I stick with what's been working so far?"...I don't know. I guess you readers can be the judge of that.

I'm not here to tell you that CingIO and Ferberizing and all other variations of it are going to ruin your child. I'm not here to tell you to do things that will make you pull your hair out [like holding a screaming/thrashing child to the point that YOU are screaming/thrashing along with him]. I'm not here to tell you how to do a darn thing. But I will tell you this: As a person who's entire family believes that children AREN'T human beings and therefore, don't require much care and compassion or sensitivity, it can have dramatic effects on their lives.

I don't even think they realize that they do it. But in my experience, I felt like a second class citizen in my own home from the time I could formulate an opinion until I literally ran for the hills and disappeared into Seattle. And even today, I feel like they just don't see me as a person. Emotions are not okay in my family. Unless the occasion calls for it. IE: Funerals, weddings, graduations, etc. Showing weakness is another one of those things. Nope. You have to be strong. In my Psychology of the Artistic Self class, we're talking about the effects of your life on your art. One thing we was discussing today was how artists tend to be more sensitive than most people. This isn't everyone, but a good portion of the majority. Emotions run deep with artists. If you don't believe me, just look around. Since I'm one of the few true artists within my immediate family [this includes grandparents and aunts and uncles because I was surrounded by them], I find that I am a pretty emotional and sensitive person. When I feel an emotion it tends to consume me and I won't let go of it until I'm done experiencing it. And I tend to feel an emotion rather easily.

Because of this, I am labeled as a drama- queen. Whatever. That's fine. But that doesn't mean that my emotions are any less real because you don't understand why I'm feeling that way.

Another thing I've noticed is that my family is, honestly, full of mindless drones. If the majority feel that something should be a certain way, they all do it that way. Really..it's kinda scary. I'm the one who always asks "WHY?" And because I ask questions, formulate educated/and sometimes uneducated opinions that are more than likely on the other end of  the spectrum from them....I'm wrong. Not only am I wrong...but I'm stupid, an idiot, I don't know anything, and "when you fail, I'm going to tell you I told you so". I've gotta say, doesn't that make you want to trust them with your deepest darkest secrets and fears?! *shakeshead*

I got into YET ANOTHER screaming match with my mother. Looking back, I'm not even sure what it was about, but we got on the subject of nurturing. Quite honestly, I don't feel as if I've ever been nurtured. When I skinned my knee, it was dusted off and I was waved away. When I got my heartbroken, I was told to suck it up and stop crying over boys. When I struggled with an eating disorder, I was told to go eat. Whenever I cry, I'm told that I'm too emotional and a drama-queen. You see what I mean? No nurturing that I can ever recall. I wish I could get my point across when I say this: I am so desperate for a nurturing person in my life. I would kill for someone to just care, to just listen, and to not judge me or call me names or put me down. When I make a mistake, hurt myself, or fall flat on my face, I would love it if I was scooped up and had my hair smoothed back while they hugged me and told me it was going to be okay.

No matter what. No matter how they felt about me or the situation. No matter how much they have going on in their lives. They'd drop everything in that instant and be there for me. I crave that more than you know.

Instead of repeating this sad cycle with my own child, I'm changing it NOW. I won't smother him. I won't force him to be attached to me. But when he is crying or upset, I'll be there. No matter how I might feel, no matter how tired I am, no matter how angry I am that he is screaming and crying and won't lay down or won't eat or won't whatever...I will be there.

I'm not going to lie, I cringe a little every time I hear about someone letting their child CIO. Let me say: I am not judging you nor do I think you're a horrible person who is setting your child up for issues down the road. There are plenty of well adjusted people who don't have any issues from what their parents did when they were babies. I'm just telling you my story. I'm telling you why I can't just leave him crying. Even if I have to sit there and numb all of my senses and just rock and rock and shh and soothe him the only way I know how...I just can't. I never want him to feel as if I wasn't there for him.

Ugh. IDK why I even posted this. Sorry...

1 Week PostPartum!

It's been a week since Austin's birth. In fact, as I type this, I was entering into the roughest part of the labor. The part where I went from 3.5cm to 10cm in a little under 2hrs! WOW. I'm still in shock over the whole thing. I had a baby! GEEZ.... For some reason, God trusted me with this little angel.

He's already got a ton of facial expressions. I swearz, my kid haz personality! He sleeps most of the day and is a ton of fun at night, pending I'm not trying to force him to sleep. He's working on keeping his eyes open, which is great. I didn't get to see his beautiful eyes for almost an entire day after he was born. He's starting to recognize his name, or at least he gives me the stinkeye when I call out to him. Attachment parenting is definitely second nature to Charlie and me. I already feel such a strong bond with him. He rarely cries, and whenever he does he calms down just from my talking to him. That's another blessing. He's not super fussy. At least not yet. He cries only when we disturb him [wake him for feedings, diaper changes, etc] and if we don't respond fast enough to his cues overnight.

We're having such a great time being parents. He's all I could've asked for and more than I thought a baby could be. Aside from being super bored from staying inside and sometimes being forced to stay awake because he likes to nurse-nurse-nurse at night...everything is perfect!