wordless{ish} wednesday: looking back


prior to having kids, i thought breastfeeding was just awkward. i knew i was GOING to do it, but i just couldn't conceive it. and now, two years into motherhood, i can't imagine what life is like without it. austin stopped breastfeeding when i was about a month into my pregnancy with bella. he was 9 months old when he had his first bottle of formula and i cried like a baby. i felt like i had failed him and chosen my second baby over him. it was really traumatic.

bella breastfed practically every single day of her life. from the time she was a few hours old, she's preferred her mama to anything else. she never had formula, thankfully. she went on a bottle-strike after a few months and decided she would only be a breastfed baby. lol. THAT was a lot of fun. <sarcasm>. there were times when i was so disenchanted with breastfeeding, i would've given anything to have her eat or drink something else. and she did at times, but still mama was her go-to food resource. there were days when we didn't get out of bed because she wanted to nurse all day. 

as the days drew closer to our departure from texas, i knew our breastfeeding relationship was also coming to an end. and i was so torn up about it. that fact, alone, almost kept us there in that hellhole of a situation. can you believe it! the first ten days we were separated were excruciatingly painful. i was constantly engorged...my breasts were searching for some kind of relief and i didn't have a pump. i would express a little but it would only make it worse. finally we were together again and she went right back to nursing at night. and i was content. but now, there's nothing. she's not interested. i'm not producing. and my heart is aching.

on one hand, i'm happy because that means freedom and that means my baby is growing up. but at the same time, i'm also sad to see our close relationship (in that way) end. i know that the bond i created with both of my babies will never end or diminish in any way. i can say, with absolute certainty, that i am their FAVORITE. and that makes me feel good. i know those two better than anyone else on this earth. i'm not saying that breastfeeding is the only way to have this kind of relationship. i'm just saying that MY relationship with MY kids is amazingly close because we were fortunate enough to be able to breastfeed. 

if you or someone you know is interested or has questions about breastfeeding, i encourage you to seek out those answers. i'm always available. i'm not certified or anything, but i am passionate. 
and i consider myself a breastfeeding "guru" of sorts. lol

i'm going to miss it. &hearts;

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