faith and perseverance.

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"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1: 2-4

Negative Post. Sorry.

i think my brave front is wavering. 

it's really tough to be positive and optimistic when everyone around you is a "debbie downer".  i'm a very sensitive person...empathetic, if you will. when dealing with someone, i take on their "aura" and their energy. when you're down, i'm right there with you. when you're elated, count me in. so when everyone around me is saying and thinking negative things, it's really hard for me to stay on the positive side. 

i think the fact that my little family is split up is starting to take its toll on me. i've never really considered that my happiness comes from having my husband and kids all together. no matter how horrible situations are or seem to be, at least we're together. well right now, we're not together. austin is in spokane, charlie is at home, bella is on the third floor in the NICU and i'm in a boarding room on the fourth. i've been in this hospital since bella's birth day. that's twelve days. and i'm starting to crack. 

and it doesn't make things better when a family member says, "and you want to do this again?" this- being having kids. of course. i get it. *I* did this to bella. had i decided to wait, or maybe if i hadn't moved for the last month, or if i had done something, ANYTHING differently she wouldn't be here...right? thanks. and of course if i decide to have more kids, they'll be NICU babies too. because it's TOTALLY. MY. FAULT. 

i hope you could hear the nasty sarcasm in that. 

oh and it's also very nice to be told that if your daughter isn't home by the time your son comes home [next week], he's going back with the grandparents. um, exCUSE me? no. my son is there for TWO WEEKS. that is all. not one hour more. and please don't get it twisted...*I* am his mother. I gave you "temporary custody" until further notice. Well that further notice comes to an end next Thursday. I'd hate to report that my son was kidnapped. ugh.

it's just annoying. all of this. it's draining my emotions. i'm tired. 

and i want to go home. and be with my son, my daughter, and my husband...and Buddy. 

the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

with all that's been going on lately, the last nail in the coffin was when my babysitter quit on us. i can't lie and say that it didn't make me feel incredibly lost and disappointed, considering the timing and the way it was done. but i still appreciate all the help she has been since she started watching austin. after receiving the confirmation text, i broke down. i walked austin into the living room to get him some milk for a nap and just fell down in the dining room and cried. him and buddy came and sat near me, and at one point- austin gave me a hug. seriously...my heart.

after a few minutes of sobbing, i pulled it together and went to the rocking chair with my chub and cuddled him. i sent a text message to my mom. i had been ignoring everyone's phone calls because i knew they were going to ask about bella and i just couldn't form the words that things were wrong. i gave her the cliff notes version of what had been happening that day and she jumped right into rescue mode. [it's times like these that i love my momma...lol] she suggested charlie and i let her come pick up austin and keep him for two weeks while we focus on giving bella our undivided attention. she, my aunt, and sister are coming over here in two weeks to bring more stuff for the babies so they'd bring him back then and should we need more time, she'd be willing to stay with us until everything calmed down.

immediately, my heart broke. i knew right away that this was what we needed to do, but i didn't want to. i couldn't just be without my austin for two weeks. TWO WEEKS!? and he'd be on the other side of the state? *insert anxiety attack here* but after talking to charlie and mentally reviewing my options, i knew what we had to do. my mom bought a last minute ticket over to seattle [not cheap, people] and showed up yesterday afternoon. austin was really excited to see her. and it made me feel so much better to see him with her. she also got to see bellabean so that was another bonus to her coming over.

austin is so attached to charlie and i. we are all very, very close and austin usually has a hard time being away from us...mostly charlie these days, but still. lol i have never been away from him for more than a few hours and knowing that i won't be able to go see him whenever kills me.  i'm worried that if we skype [for my own selfish reasons], that we'll upset him. and that's the last thing i want to do.

i know he is in good, capable hands and will have a blast the entire time. it's me that won't be okay. charlie has work to keep him occupied. other than eight feedings a day, i have nothing else to do. and i'm  afraid i'll be miserable the entire time. i know i'm incredibly blessed to have the family that i do- for them to jump on a plane last minute and come to our rescue. it's just hard. that's my baby- my first born. my little chubbah bubbah.  but the fact that they're willing to open their home to my children makes me really happy. and knowing he's taken care of makes it easier to focus on my Bellz and even myself and charlie...something i don't think i've been able to do lately.

i know this is Gods way of telling me to stop trying to do it all on my own because that's what i've been doing. He is forcing me to rely on Him and others. and it's the toughest thing i've ever had to do. but i have faith that it'll be one of the best.

This Is What I Did Today....

cool, huh?

NOT.

So, uh...who wants to start a fundraiser for that $500 deductible?

Because I don't like paying for stuff.

Looking Back...

So my sweet, sweet babe is a month old now. I just canNOT believe it. My how time flies when you're having fun..[or when you're flying by the seat of your pants, praying to God to show you the right way to do things..]. When it's just the two of us, I tend to think back on his birth. In fact, I think back on it quite a bit. True, it wasn't what I'd envisioned and planned for during the entire pregnancy. But I had constantly consulted God on it and wanted His will to be done in order for us to have a happy and healthy baby.

I truly believe there was some divine intervention during the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy. I'd gone 37 weeks without so much as a hiccup in my prenatal care. I was starting to feel like the entire thing was a joke. I'd go in for my appointments, they'd check my vitals [weight, BP, pulse, etc], measure my belly, ask if I'd had any symptoms for anything [preterm labor, preeclampsia, etc], I'd ask any questions I had [which weren't many. maybe a total of 5 questions the entire nine months] and then I'd be on my way. Rarely did my visits last more than 15 minutes. All of my bloodwork and tests came back looking perfectly fine. I was on track to have a pretty boring, textbook labor. Or so I thought. Then at my last appointment [Feb 4th], I had high blood pressure. After the entire exam, he had me retake my blood pressure after lying down for twenty minutes or so. Thankfully it went down a few numbers, but it was still high and he wanted me to look out for signs of pre-eclampsia.  Fast forward a week and while going over birth plans with Lauren, my best friend, we ended up going into L&D for my ridiculously high blood pressure. I didn't have any of the other signs of pre-eclampsia. Just high blood pressure and an usually high amount of protein in my urine.  Had we not checked that night, we wouldn't have known.

Even with all of the signs pointing to it, I was fighting an induction like there was no tomorrow! I did everything but beg the hosp staff...lol. Even once I was admitted, I kept asking for loopholes to the pitocin. They pacified me with lies [telling me I could turn it off once my contrax got to a steady rhythm], but I let it be known that I wasn't one of those girls who just lays on her back and trusts what they say/do. I made it a point to inform myself. I wish more people did. Not once during the entire process was I lost or confused because I understood their lingo. The big, fancy words they used- I came across those many times in the many books and articles I'd come across during my pregnancy. This was a well-researched pregnancy and gosh-darnit- we were gonna do it my way!

I really am thankful to the hospital staff though. I'm sure I wasn't easy to deal with [despite being pretty pleasant with them even throughout the tougher parts of labor...] but they handled it all really well. For the most part, they let me labor by myself. I only saw the doctor who helped deliver Austin three times. Once when she came to introduce herself and strip my membranes, once when she came to check on my progression roughly 6 hours later, and lastly when she caught him and stitched me up afterwards. [Oh wait, then she stopped by the next night when she came on shift...just to visit] The nurses who were in charge of my IV meds and such respected my need to know when exactly they were up-ping my dosages. Overall, I couldn't have asked for a better staff to be a part of the experience.

Looking back, I'm so glad we were at the hospital. For Austin's sake- he was a champ throughout the entire experience! His heart rate stayed steady and strong the entire time. My biggest worry was that the pitocin would send him into overdrive and then they'd try rushing us, but my guy was PERFECTION the entire time. I, on the other hand, was the problem. I could've stroked; I could've retained a ton of water and essentially drowned myself; I had the world's smallest placenta and umbilical cord; I tore and needed 4 stitches. Now had we been at home, it probably wouldn't have been too much of a problem because we live so close to the hospital, but it would've definitely been a hassle. I think also that the "luxury" of having my sheets changed every time I got up and having help at the push of a button was also nice and welcome.

For baby #2 [and potentially others afterwards], rather than at home, I'd be willing to go to the hospital again. I truly believe that Charlie working there making us Command Priority made a big difference, as well. The level of care I received was definitely top notch. I mean, they moved around other patients so I could have my own recovery room! I now know how Madigan operates so it'd be easy to do a second time, if we were stationed here. If we live somewhere else when baby #2 arrives, then a birth center is more our style. I'll shell out the money for the type of birth I want, no problem. I now see that going unassisted, given the chances of preeclampsia and the smallness of what I produce, doesn't make me super comfortable. Don't get me wrong, I'd LOVE to just do it by myself..I just don't think it's wise for me. And while that makes me sad, I'm still happy that I can go as natural as possible if given the chance and I can still have that safety net in case something should go wrong.

God definitely knew what He was doing that night, a month ago.  And I thank Him for stepping in, when I was so focused on MY agenda rather than His, and blessing us with this perfect bundle of joy. Our little Austin Mays...