the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

with all that's been going on lately, the last nail in the coffin was when my babysitter quit on us. i can't lie and say that it didn't make me feel incredibly lost and disappointed, considering the timing and the way it was done. but i still appreciate all the help she has been since she started watching austin. after receiving the confirmation text, i broke down. i walked austin into the living room to get him some milk for a nap and just fell down in the dining room and cried. him and buddy came and sat near me, and at one point- austin gave me a hug. seriously...my heart.

after a few minutes of sobbing, i pulled it together and went to the rocking chair with my chub and cuddled him. i sent a text message to my mom. i had been ignoring everyone's phone calls because i knew they were going to ask about bella and i just couldn't form the words that things were wrong. i gave her the cliff notes version of what had been happening that day and she jumped right into rescue mode. [it's times like these that i love my momma...lol] she suggested charlie and i let her come pick up austin and keep him for two weeks while we focus on giving bella our undivided attention. she, my aunt, and sister are coming over here in two weeks to bring more stuff for the babies so they'd bring him back then and should we need more time, she'd be willing to stay with us until everything calmed down.

immediately, my heart broke. i knew right away that this was what we needed to do, but i didn't want to. i couldn't just be without my austin for two weeks. TWO WEEKS!? and he'd be on the other side of the state? *insert anxiety attack here* but after talking to charlie and mentally reviewing my options, i knew what we had to do. my mom bought a last minute ticket over to seattle [not cheap, people] and showed up yesterday afternoon. austin was really excited to see her. and it made me feel so much better to see him with her. she also got to see bellabean so that was another bonus to her coming over.

austin is so attached to charlie and i. we are all very, very close and austin usually has a hard time being away from us...mostly charlie these days, but still. lol i have never been away from him for more than a few hours and knowing that i won't be able to go see him whenever kills me.  i'm worried that if we skype [for my own selfish reasons], that we'll upset him. and that's the last thing i want to do.

i know he is in good, capable hands and will have a blast the entire time. it's me that won't be okay. charlie has work to keep him occupied. other than eight feedings a day, i have nothing else to do. and i'm  afraid i'll be miserable the entire time. i know i'm incredibly blessed to have the family that i do- for them to jump on a plane last minute and come to our rescue. it's just hard. that's my baby- my first born. my little chubbah bubbah.  but the fact that they're willing to open their home to my children makes me really happy. and knowing he's taken care of makes it easier to focus on my Bellz and even myself and charlie...something i don't think i've been able to do lately.

i know this is Gods way of telling me to stop trying to do it all on my own because that's what i've been doing. He is forcing me to rely on Him and others. and it's the toughest thing i've ever had to do. but i have faith that it'll be one of the best.

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1 comment:

  1. I just feel for you--there isn't much to say than I'm so so so sorry. Bella is just a doll--she'll make it through all this! You're so tough! It would be really hard to send my baby away for two weeks--I hope it flies by for you and Bella makes it home soon!


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