I met with the doctor this morning and received not awesome, not horrible, but hopeful news. I managed to keep it together for the meeting and met Charlie for a few minutes. But within minutes, I couldn't take it and broke down. It was so hard telling Charlie everything that's going on and hearing the pain in his voice.
I can't stop crying. I can't stop worrying. I'd give anything to have my baby girl healthy and home. I regret ever wanting her born before her due date. Everyone says that babies come when they're ready and that preterm labor isn't necessarily my fault since they still don't know what causes it....but I feel like this is all my fault. I keep apologizing to Bella when I spend time with her. I wish I couldve kept her in longer.
I feel so defeated, so tired, so worn. I feel like I have nothing left to give. I'm operating on auto mode right now. If I'm not crying, I'm just here. And I live for the moments where I can be with Charlie and Austin or with Bella. I hate that I can't have all three of them together. I just hate all of this.
Ugh. this post probably makes zero sense...but I have to write otherwise I'll go crazy. Please pray, send positive vibes for my Bella. She's just a baby and doesn't deserve to have to deal with anything. Please pray that the doctors can find out exactly what is wrong and that the solution is swift, easy, painless and thorough.
I need my baby healthy. :/
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