the sickies.

everyone at my house has "the sickies" in some form or fashion. charlie has the full blown flu, austin is on his way there, and bella has a runny nose. i'm just sitting here trying not to get sick. why?! because mommy's can't get sick. mommy's have to take care of EVERYTHING. and when mommy's get sick, they can't take care of everything. and then the house is trashed, the dishes are piling up, the laundry is not done, the kids haven't eaten, etc. 

so mommy's can't get sick.

but i just feel so bad for my poor little austin. he's burning up and he's just so miserable. he literally is drinking juice {severely watered down, mind you} and napping. he did play for a few hours today, but now he's back to his lethargic, miserable self. i'm just praying bella doesn't get the full brunt of it either. she's pretty chipper right now. i'm giving her medicine like crazy {recommended dosages, of course} and just hoping it jumps her completely. poor littles.

*sigh* flu season is so stupid. we wouldn't be in the mess if the damn hospital hadn't required charlie to get his flu vaccine. but that's a whole 'nother post, y'all. you know how i feel about vaccines....

i miss it here

we survive the end of the world // merry christmas // happy new year // austin is turning 3 // bella is turning 2 // charlie is moving to north carolina // so many changes..so many new things happening. so much reflection.

but i can't write. i don't know what to say or where to start.

i miss blogging terribly. i end up keeping a lot inside because i'm not writing it all here. i think i'm scared. or just too exhausted. but i miss it so.

i'm still dangling and floating in mid-air. and while sometimes it's refreshing, sometimes it feels like i'll never re-attach to anything and find purpose.

let's face it. life is grand. overall. i don't have much to complain about these days. but tonight i'm feeling heavy. i'm feeling burdened. i'm feeling like when people yell at me, i shut down. and i'm currently completely closed off because i don't know how to make others happy, yet still maintain a complete sense of self.

*sigh*
g'night.

word vomit

tired. stressed. mind-racing. afraid. new. change. hate. excited. anxious. happy. interested. confused. angry. resigned. defeated. alive. trusting. scared. faith. new chapter. new leaf. new chance. letting go. holding on. in between. unmoving. need a sign. need to pray. a lot. yet nothing at all. juggling. too much. not enough. lethargic. depressed. hopeful. photos. work. music. creating. artistic. brave. yet still scared. over the moon. elated. shy. nervous. originals. gigs. networking. musicians. photography. captured. love. new friends. purpose. hope. family. friends. lovers. heartbreak. freedom. tattoos. self expression. badass. beer. food. fires. scarves. melodies. familiar. cold. expensive. talking. toddlers. new ideas. new words. more communication. less needy. more independent. fun. exhausted. insomnia. melatonin. new best friend. trusty sidekick. pretty girls. character. principle. strong. unrelenting. faith.

...that's all i can manage.

for now...