i think my brave front is wavering.
it's really tough to be positive and optimistic when everyone around you is a "debbie downer". i'm a very sensitive person...empathetic, if you will. when dealing with someone, i take on their "aura" and their energy. when you're down, i'm right there with you. when you're elated, count me in. so when everyone around me is saying and thinking negative things, it's really hard for me to stay on the positive side.
i think the fact that my little family is split up is starting to take its toll on me. i've never really considered that my happiness comes from having my husband and kids all together. no matter how horrible situations are or seem to be, at least we're together. well right now, we're not together. austin is in spokane, charlie is at home, bella is on the third floor in the NICU and i'm in a boarding room on the fourth. i've been in this hospital since bella's birth day. that's twelve days. and i'm starting to crack.
and it doesn't make things better when a family member says, "and you want to do this again?" this- being having kids. of course. i get it. *I* did this to bella. had i decided to wait, or maybe if i hadn't moved for the last month, or if i had done something, ANYTHING differently she wouldn't be here...right? thanks. and of course if i decide to have more kids, they'll be NICU babies too. because it's TOTALLY. MY. FAULT.
i hope you could hear the nasty sarcasm in that.
oh and it's also very nice to be told that if your daughter isn't home by the time your son comes home [next week], he's going back with the grandparents. um, exCUSE me? no. my son is there for TWO WEEKS. that is all. not one hour more. and please don't get it twisted...*I* am his mother. I gave you "temporary custody" until further notice. Well that further notice comes to an end next Thursday. I'd hate to report that my son was kidnapped. ugh.
it's just annoying. all of this. it's draining my emotions. i'm tired.
and i want to go home. and be with my son, my daughter, and my husband...and Buddy.