i think my brave front is wavering.
it's really tough to be positive and optimistic when everyone around you is a "debbie downer". i'm a very sensitive person...empathetic, if you will. when dealing with someone, i take on their "aura" and their energy. when you're down, i'm right there with you. when you're elated, count me in. so when everyone around me is saying and thinking negative things, it's really hard for me to stay on the positive side.
i think the fact that my little family is split up is starting to take its toll on me. i've never really considered that my happiness comes from having my husband and kids all together. no matter how horrible situations are or seem to be, at least we're together. well right now, we're not together. austin is in spokane, charlie is at home, bella is on the third floor in the NICU and i'm in a boarding room on the fourth. i've been in this hospital since bella's birth day. that's twelve days. and i'm starting to crack.
and it doesn't make things better when a family member says, "and you want to do this again?" this- being having kids. of course. i get it. *I* did this to bella. had i decided to wait, or maybe if i hadn't moved for the last month, or if i had done something, ANYTHING differently she wouldn't be here...right? thanks. and of course if i decide to have more kids, they'll be NICU babies too. because it's TOTALLY. MY. FAULT.
i hope you could hear the nasty sarcasm in that.
oh and it's also very nice to be told that if your daughter isn't home by the time your son comes home [next week], he's going back with the grandparents. um, exCUSE me? no. my son is there for TWO WEEKS. that is all. not one hour more. and please don't get it twisted...*I* am his mother. I gave you "temporary custody" until further notice. Well that further notice comes to an end next Thursday. I'd hate to report that my son was kidnapped. ugh.
it's just annoying. all of this. it's draining my emotions. i'm tired.
and i want to go home. and be with my son, my daughter, and my husband...and Buddy.
When I had my 4th baby, I had already decided I was done having kids - but when he was born he had issues with his lungs and was life flighted to Deaconness Medical Center in Spokane, WA and was there for two weeks.
ReplyDeleteThose two weeks were the hardest 2 weeks of my entire life.
I felt like a bad wife and a bad mommy to my other 3 kids because all I wanted to do was be with my baby that was so sick. It was like having an out of body experience...
And no one could understand. No one could understand that it felt like my whole heart was in that little NICU bed with my baby. Their lives went on, their ability to support me waned...it was rough.
Hang in there. She will get better. It's not your fault. You will reunite as a family and it will be wonderful. But know that I understand your mommy heart and I will pray for your strength and peace through this.
thank you so much. i didn't realize just how many people have dealt with things like this so it's comforting to know that she'll get through it and she'll be a healthy little girl in no time.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, girl! :) Just remember the law of attraction... if you put out positive vibes, positive things will happen to you in return. Just concentrate on Bella getting stronger and healthier, feel in it your soul, all the time, and you will be helping her, whether you realize it or not <3
ReplyDeleteIt may seem like hippie garbage, but every time you think about her, the energy from your thoughts (and prayers) reaches her! Your love affects her on a cellular level. So try to stay positive and keep sending her that healing motherly love and you'll be doing her a lot more good than succumbing to the negativity of others <3 :)