I'm having another rough time with mommyhood. Going in, you know you're going to deal with stuff and you'll have those down days. And I thought that if I made it through the beginning, I'd make it through anything down the road. I've been very very blessed to have such a chill, relaxed kiddo. He really has made the transition from young military wife to mommy a lot easier than others. [so I've heard]. But he has his moments.
At least 3 times now in the last seven days, I have been done. I have taken all that I can take. My breaking point has been reached and exceeded several times over. I've drawn on as much patience as I can muster. I've sat in the rocking chair completely numb and cut off emotionally because if I connected that part of my heart and brain, I'd go bananas. Fit me with my straight jacket because I'd be certifiable.
It only lasts about ten-twenty minutes, but I don't want to be a mommy in those few moments. I don't care how, but I want him to shut up. Not in a morbid way or that I'm hoping he gets hurt or anything. But all of my attachment parenting advice goes out the window and I'd give anything for a kid who would just be SILENT. If that means I have to run away to get away from his cries...i. need. silence.
Then comes the guilt. How could I possibly want to be away from the cutest kid ever? His laugh and smile absolutely melt my heart. He is the beloved of my soul. I prayed for him and waited anxiously for 38+weeks to see his smiling face and to hold him in my arms. How dare I not cherish the gift God has given me?
I don't know if this is fleeting and if I'll never feel this way again. But I have to be honest about my journey through motherhood. If anything, to make other moms feel that it's okay to have conflicting feelings and it's normal. Comments are surely welcome!!!