Dark Times

I owe it to myself [and to my readers] to break it down and keep it real. So that's what I'm doing.

I'm having another rough time with mommyhood. Going in, you know you're going to deal with stuff and you'll have those down days. And I thought that if I made it through the beginning, I'd make it through anything down the road. I've been very very blessed to have such a chill, relaxed kiddo. He really has made the transition from young military wife to mommy a lot easier than others. [so I've heard]. But he has his moments.

At least 3 times now in the last seven days, I have been done. I have taken all that I can take. My breaking point has been reached and exceeded several times over. I've drawn on as much patience as I can muster. I've sat in the rocking chair completely numb and cut off emotionally because if I connected that part of my heart and brain, I'd go bananas. Fit me with my straight jacket because I'd be certifiable.

It only lasts about ten-twenty minutes, but I don't want to be a mommy in those few moments. I don't care how, but I want him to shut up. Not in a morbid way or that I'm hoping he gets hurt or anything. But all of my attachment parenting advice goes out the window and I'd give anything for a kid who would just be SILENT. If that means I have to run away to get away from his cries...i. need. silence.

Then comes the guilt. How could I possibly want to be away from the cutest kid ever? His laugh and smile absolutely melt my heart. He is the beloved of my soul. I prayed for him and waited anxiously for 38+weeks to see his smiling face and to hold him in my arms. How dare I not cherish the gift God has given me?

I don't know if this is fleeting and if I'll never feel this way again. But I have to be honest about my journey through motherhood. If anything, to make other moms feel that it's okay to have conflicting feelings and it's normal. Comments are surely welcome!!!


  1. I hit my peak when my babe was around 7/8 months, there were points in the day I envisioned running out the door and not looking back, there were times where I didn't want to be a mommy and it happened a couple times a week during those few months. Now it happens maybe once a month but it still happens. I think it's just a part of this mommy thing. I don't mean that in a 'invalidate your feelings' way but a 'most of go through it sometime' thing.

  2. Dude. I know exactly how you feel. You may feel this way again, maybe even frequently for a time. Getting enough sleep it essential for coping with all the baby stress. That may seem silly because how can you get enough sleep when baby needs you all the time, but I am just saying sleep makes most things better. Anyway, it is understandable, and we all go through it some time. It doesnt mean you dont love him and cherish him, but it does mean that you have a limit, just like all human beings! Hang in there!!

  3. I definitely had those moments. sometimes I still do.....days when my husband comes home from work and when he says "we need to go grocery shopping" I look at him with desperation in my eyes and say "you and Katarina go-I'll stay here" and he does. And by the time they get home, I am recovered. Those twenty minutes of silence change everything. It is like having my internal batteries recharged and I greet my husband and daughter at the door with kisses and hugs and ready to jump into being mommy.

  4. Been there, done that. =) I'm sure most moms have. In that moment, just remember that they didn't choose to be born.

    Ask yourself what could possibly be causing the crying. Hungry, tired, sick?

    In the end I take them outside. That seems to hit the reboot button on them.
    If that doesn't work, I pray for bedtime to come sooner. And just snuggle snuggle snuggle.

    We all get tired, overwhelmed. Done.
    You're so not alone. ;)

  5. As a mother we have all had those moments. Now that my daughter is in her terrible-twos I have those moments a lot more often. There are times where I want to pull my hair out but my head isn't shaped right to be bald. Just when I begin contemplating running off to Mexico Kyla will come up to me with those doe eyes and say "mommy I sorry. Kyla not mean to be bad. Love you!" and that quickly I snap back.

  6. I've so been there. Its ok, it doesn't mean you're a bad mom. It means you're human and like every human, you have a LIMIT.

    You're stressed with school, work, and life in general. You have a lot on your plate and something HAS to give.

    But you can't give.
    And Austin can't give.
    And your sanity can't give.
    And your marriage can't give.

    Soo..whats going to give? Does it mean quitting your job so that you have a little bit of breathing room? Maybe. I dunno. I wouldnt recommend quitting school just because I think you'd regret it.

    Sometimes its ok to walk away. Really. Put him in his high chair with some ice chips to fish around and just lie down on the couch. Shut your eyes. Breathe.

    When you LEAST want to give them attention, is when they MOST need it.
    (This applies to both kids and husbands, interestingly enough.)

    Hang in there. You're doing the best you can.


Tell me how you REALLY feel. C'mon..just TELLLLLL me. I love your comments.


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