30 Days Of Truth
Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
You know, [keeping up with the honesty portion of this 30DOT..lol], I contemplated it once or twice. It was when I was around 13-15 years old. I was having such a rough time. Well at least it FELT like a rough time. But doesn't it always feel that way when you're a teenager. My family members used to tell me that I was depressed and sometimes they'd even say stupid ish like, "if you keep dressing that way you're going to get raped". [Speaking things into truth, maybe?]
In any case, I remember one time sitting in the dark in the living room at my grandmother's house. I was having one of those down moments. I can remember crying, though I'm not sure what I was crying about. I had a pen cap and I started rubbing it vigorously over my wrist. I remember when it cut through the skin. My first thought was, "OUCH. THAT REALLY FRICKIN HURTS!" And that was the end of my "suicidal" thoughts.
Looking back, what I really wanted and craved was attention. I wanted to matter. Of course I knew that my family loved me, but they had a really effed up way of showing it at the time. The only time my opinions mattered was at school and even then- if it didn't go with what the administrators thought, keep it to yourself. lol.
But really, I love breathing. I love living. One of my favorite things to say when the subject of death or whathaveyou comes up is, "You know this breathing in and out thing? I LOVE THAT. I wanna keep doing it for awhile!" There's so much beauty in the world. Even when it's a dark and ugly place. True, I can't wait to be with my Heavenly Father one day, but I'm enjoying myself down here on earth. And I've still got a lot of work to do!