Is there something wrong with me? Is it not okay to be a little unsure of the decisions you're making? Is it bad that I go back and forth on things and get lots of opinions [both pro and con] regarding any decision? Is it wrong to want to make sure that you are in line with what God has planned for your life? The wonderful thing about Him is that He has given us the ability to make our own choices. Good or bad...we can decide what we want to do. [At least that's how I see it.] I've made plenty of bad decisions and, in hindsight, I can see that those things weren't pleasing to Him.
My favorite verse is Psalm 37:4....."Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart". He and I both know that I desire more children, so I'm not worried that I'll be blessed with more at some point in life. But I want to make sure it's on His time..not my own. That's not saying that if I keep having unprotected sex and get pregnant without consulting Him that He's going to hate me or anything. I just know that I've experienced making decisions on my own and have seen firsthand that I don't know what's best for me all of the time.
So tell me...am I weird?
I have a tendency to have "buyers remorse". I agonize over what to "buy" [or do] and then once I loosely make up my mind [or in this case, the future is already predetermined], I start to have doubts. Only once I've made up my mind do I feel good about it. Does that make sense? C and I were all about more babies. We talked about it, dreamed of names, talked with our families and friends, and then left it at that. We thought about the good and the bad. A few people pointed out some cons that made us rethink our decision to just go for it. Welp..then we had sex. Cause you know, that's what married people do. We didn't use a condom. I don't feel the panic like I used to... [you know, before I was married]. He can take me if he wants...I won't stop him. lol Afterwards, I got up and peed and went on my marry little way. And wouldn't you know it? IT HAPPENED AGAIN. *shrugs* oh well.
Then I started thinking.. "oh snap! I could be ovulating......cool....awesome. Hmm..I wonder if I'll get pregnant" I was super positive about it. Starting seeing more preggers women all over the place. It was awesome. Starting thinking about cloth dipes and little bows and birthing plans and all that jazz. Then the night before I took the test...buyers remorse. "Crap..I'm not ready..am I?....I mean we could make it work for sure....but I still feel all over the place when it comes to being a first time mommy...*self doubt* ..can I juggle two?....I'm sure I could, but I'm already exhausted...meh...it'd be awesome though...but what about Austin...would he like having a sibling so close to him?...craaaaap" But I woke up the next morning and felt at peace with whatever had already been decided.
Does that mean I'm not ready for a baby? I don't think so...but I wonder what you all think.