Is there something wrong with me? Is it not okay to be a little unsure of the decisions you're making? Is it bad that I go back and forth on things and get lots of opinions [both pro and con] regarding any decision? Is it wrong to want to make sure that you are in line with what God has planned for your life? The wonderful thing about Him is that He has given us the ability to make our own choices. Good or bad...we can decide what we want to do. [At least that's how I see it.] I've made plenty of bad decisions and, in hindsight, I can see that those things weren't pleasing to Him.
My favorite verse is Psalm 37:4....."Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart". He and I both know that I desire more children, so I'm not worried that I'll be blessed with more at some point in life. But I want to make sure it's on His time..not my own. That's not saying that if I keep having unprotected sex and get pregnant without consulting Him that He's going to hate me or anything. I just know that I've experienced making decisions on my own and have seen firsthand that I don't know what's best for me all of the time.
So tell me...am I weird?
I have a tendency to have "buyers remorse". I agonize over what to "buy" [or do] and then once I loosely make up my mind [or in this case, the future is already predetermined], I start to have doubts. Only once I've made up my mind do I feel good about it. Does that make sense? C and I were all about more babies. We talked about it, dreamed of names, talked with our families and friends, and then left it at that. We thought about the good and the bad. A few people pointed out some cons that made us rethink our decision to just go for it. Welp..then we had sex. Cause you know, that's what married people do. We didn't use a condom. I don't feel the panic like I used to... [you know, before I was married]. He can take me if he wants...I won't stop him. lol Afterwards, I got up and peed and went on my marry little way. And wouldn't you know it? IT HAPPENED AGAIN. *shrugs* oh well.
Then I started thinking.. "oh snap! I could be ovulating......cool....awesome. Hmm..I wonder if I'll get pregnant" I was super positive about it. Starting seeing more preggers women all over the place. It was awesome. Starting thinking about cloth dipes and little bows and birthing plans and all that jazz. Then the night before I took the test...buyers remorse. "Crap..I'm not ready..am I?....I mean we could make it work for sure....but I still feel all over the place when it comes to being a first time mommy...*self doubt* ..can I juggle two?....I'm sure I could, but I'm already exhausted...meh...it'd be awesome though...but what about Austin...would he like having a sibling so close to him?...craaaaap" But I woke up the next morning and felt at peace with whatever had already been decided.
Does that mean I'm not ready for a baby? I don't think so...but I wonder what you all think.
Hmmmm... I think you and I are a lot a like. lol
ReplyDeleteIf you do have a baby at this stage, I really don't think Austin would mind. He's going to have a good friend and brother/sister. (As long as that relationship is fostered. Not that you wouldn't, but I've seen parents who didn't and it's like they were pitted against each other. ugh)
My boys are just like twins. (15mo apart)
We daily help to foster a loving relationship. Regardless, fights happen because they are both children. But most often then not they play well together and get bored and lonely if one or the other is gone.
I think you are a wonderful mom, and will be a wonderful mom to multiples of children!
And exhaustion comes with the territory. You can sleep when they're in highschool. ;) lol maybe.
God will definately give you the desires of your heart but sometimes when we rush things the process doesn't run as smooth as it should. In my opinion you are certainly ready for another baby in terms of the compassion and motherly instinct, but the question is financially and mentally are you ready. I know people who always spew all babies need are love, yes they do but they also need a roof over their heads and a healthy parental relationship. One of those couples that I know now have the children they wanted but are fighting to keep their relationship together. With so many children close in age its hard to keep the romance alive. Marriage is more than children.
ReplyDeleteI am not much older and I have been married for over five years and the first two years with our son was very rocky and we had known each other for nearly 10 years before we got married, to be honest I wasn't sure we would make it. I am glad that we waited until our marriage was much more stable until we decided to have another baby. I wanted one much earlier than now but we agreed that we would know when it was the right time without a doubt, and we did. When the subject came up we agreed on a month to start trying and we were both very happy to be at that point where we knew we could comfortably bring in another addition.
I would say wait another year until you get half way done with school and allow your son to have your utmost attention during his most critical development period. Take the time to strengthen your marriage, not that it wouldn't work with another one but the road may not be as smooth. We waited nearly 4 years between our children but we needed that time to make sure we were okay as a couple and that we were in a position to provide not only financially but also as a consistently happy marital unit to ensure the long term well being of our family. Just my $.02!!
I think it is awesome that you are open to God's plan for your life. Babies are the ultimate expression of love between a husband and wife. If you think about it, its actually pretty romantic. :) Anyway, of course you may question whether you are ready that is normal. But God knows probably more so that even you do whether you are ready! And if thinks you are, then you probably are LOL. The point is, its great that you are open to life. We live in a culture that shuns new life, that puts it down, that sees it as "horrifying" or "awful" when in fact life is beautiful - and it is why we are all here, to live and to love. So just roll with it, and enjoy where life takes you!!
ReplyDeleteI think as long as you keep God in your heart and your daily activities, God will give you your hearts desire. It took 14 agonizing months to have our first child. I got pregnant on vacation as soon as I put my BBT monitor down and stopped charting. So there ya go.
ReplyDeleteWe are hoping to have another starting in January, I don't think I will be as obsessed this time around, mainly because I know God will give me my hearts desire as long as I keep him first. Good luck to you and your family!
Heather from Mommy Only Has Two Hands!