I hate fighting with my mom. But she likes to start fights with me. And tonight is no different.
Show of hands: how many people are surprised that I don't do what others want me to do and tend to follow the beat of my own drum?
Yea...I'm not surprised either!
Sure, I've ended up skinning my knees and knocking my head against familiar walls but I wouldn't trade my life for anything. Not only have I met some awesome people and created one heck of a cool son [and i'm sure this bean inside me will be JUST as awesome], but I've just enjoyed the ride..really I have. There's been heartbreak, but it hasn't stopped me from loving with all of my heart. There's been lies, but it hasn't stopped me from trusting...[even if it's just a little bit].
But every time I make a decision that doesn't align exactly with what she wants, she tells me: "Well you're gonna do whatever you want and WHEN it fails, I'll be here to tell you that I was right."
She doesn't even give me a chance.
And really, there've only been a handful of times when things have gone wrong but hardly ever because of the reason she believes it would. Make sense?
IE: She didn't want me to go to Cornish because my goal of being a musician was a bit too lofty. 3 years into it, they finally believe in me. Well now that I don't want to go there anymore, she says, "I told you so". Well, the only reason I hate going is because I have to put A and my life at home on the back burner. Not because my goal is too hard. I shake my head.
In any case....I'm just tired of being told that I'm stupid and I'm not good enough and that I'm always going to fail. I don't know why I keep going back for her approval and leaving with my head hung low feeling like a horrible person. I don't know why I'm always surprised when she acts the way she does....she's been doing it all of my life....but I always am.
I think the straw that broke my back was when she called me a bad mother because I believe in making sure I'm happy and stable so my kids can benefit from that kind of mother. Because the only way I can be a good mother is if I'm suffering.... I shake my head.
**EDIT: Let me just say...I understand she wants what's best for me. That's what any mother wants for their kids. I'm no different. But I praypraypray that if A and B [and any other children I have] ever need me to be supportive, even when I don't fully agree, that I'll just be what they need. I'm not asking her to always agree with me. I'm a pretty great kid and I know I've been a great daughter. Even with the choices I've made, I'm still "successful"- for lack of a better word-...she when will she start trusting me?**