I hate fighting with my mom. But she likes to start fights with me. And tonight is no different.

Show of hands: how many people are surprised that I don't do what others want me to do and tend to follow the beat of my own drum?

*looks around*

Yea...I'm not surprised either!

Sure, I've ended up skinning my knees and knocking my head against familiar walls but I wouldn't trade my life for anything. Not only have I met some awesome people and created one heck of a cool son [and i'm sure this bean inside me will be JUST as awesome], but I've just enjoyed the ride..really I have. There's been heartbreak, but it hasn't stopped me from loving with all of my heart. There's been lies, but it hasn't stopped me from trusting...[even if it's just a little bit].

But every time I make a decision that doesn't align exactly with what she wants, she tells me: "Well you're gonna do whatever you want and WHEN it fails, I'll be here to tell you that I was right."

She doesn't even give me a chance.

And really, there've only been a handful of times when things have gone wrong but hardly ever because of the reason she believes it would. Make sense?

IE: She didn't want me to go to Cornish because my goal of being a musician was a bit too lofty. 3 years into it, they finally believe in me. Well now that I don't want to go there anymore, she says, "I told you so". Well, the only reason I hate going is because I have to put A and my life at home on the back burner. Not because my goal is too hard. I shake my head.

In any case....I'm just tired of being told that I'm stupid and I'm not good enough and that I'm always going to fail. I don't know why I keep going back for her approval and leaving with my head hung low feeling like a horrible person. I don't know why I'm always surprised when she acts the way she does....she's been doing it all of my life....but I always am.

I think the straw that broke my back was when she called me a bad mother because I believe in making sure I'm happy and stable so my kids can benefit from that kind of mother. Because the only way I can be a good mother is if I'm suffering.... I shake my head.

**EDIT: Let me just say...I understand she wants what's best for me. That's what any mother wants for their kids. I'm no different. But I praypraypray that if A and B [and any other children I have] ever need me to be supportive, even when I don't fully agree, that I'll just be what they need. I'm not asking her to always agree with me. I'm a pretty great kid and I know I've been a great daughter. Even with the choices I've made, I'm still "successful"- for lack of a better word-...she when will she start trusting me?**


  1. Why is she saying you are bad mother? Because you work one day a week or because you dont work enough? or what??

  2. It's really involved, but "'I'm a bad mother" because I refuse to be unhappy and will do what I need to do in order to be happy.


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