taking a dump.

there are so many things going on in this cray-cray head of mine. it's time to take a dump.

it's really hard to be jerked around all the time. sometimes i feel like i'm dealing with a severe case of bi-polar disorder. not my own, but his. 

one minute he loves me and doesn't want me to leave. he's willing to change and put in the effort. then the next he's berating me for "taking all of his money" and his kids away. and then i'm a whore. and then he's sorry. and he's praying for us to stay together and he's going to change. he's going to be different. i'll see. he's not going to let me leave without a fight. then he's yelling at me because i'm just going to be whoring myself out to as many guys as possible up in seattle. then he's jealous because i'm working out and taking better care of myself and i'm "looking better than ever" and he wishes i was still his. then i'm just an unclassy bitch whore who plays games. and all i'm going to do is spend all of his money. oh and because i curse so much when i'm angry i'm not a good christian either.

anyone else have whiplash? because my neck is killing me.

i have a confession. it's a dark one. sometimes, i wish the abuse was physical. i wish i could see the hurt and the scars that are being created. because when you see a bruise or a broken bone, there's no question in your mind that whatever caused that was intense. that if it came from another person, it's wrong. but when the pain is in your heart and when those scars are being etched into your soul, it's a lot harder to recognize how wrong it is. and it's even harder to deal with it because kisses and apologies are like bandaids. sometimes they're the best bandaids. or at least they feel that way. who didn't feel ten times better when their mom kissed their skinned knee? who didn't start being best friends again after exchanging "i'm sorry"'s on the playground? i know i did. so when someone you love hurts you in a non-physical way and then promises to change and says everything you want to hear...it's so much easier to ignore the problem.

i know that as a person, as a child of God...i deserve better treatment. i know that nothing i could ever do would make me deserving of this kind of treatment. i know that. so tell me why is it so hard to believe it sometimes? all i hear is that i'm not good enough, that it's my fault , that i deserve all of this...and even though i know none of that is true, i can feel the words seeping through my skin and into me and embedding themselves in my brain as truth.

should i even publish this? does anyone truly care? i look back at past posts and realize there was so much i wanted to say and so much i never could say because i was so scared of people knowing what was really going on over here. blogland is funny that way. i've always tried to "keep it real", but all the while i was being more secretive than i ever have been because it didn't fit my "storyline". the truth is, i started this blog as a journal. it's only fitting to continue on as such, right? ignoring or not acknowledging the crap i'm dealing with doesn't make it less real. in fact, all it does is make those feelings fester and grow and scream louder in my head. so i'm giving it a voice and being real and honest with myself.

dump. over.

/flush.