if you really knew me...

...you'd know that i'm extremely paranoid.  and it causes intense, chest seizing anxiety. 

i try really, really hard to not let it get bad, but i'm constantly imagining 

the worst scenario in any given situation.

...you'd know that i have a favorite spot on bella to kiss. her neck.

in that hidden part right underneath her ear and just above her shoulder.

when she was born, it was the only place i could really kiss her when she was in the NICU and she was incredibly skinny. now it's covered up by her babychub and i love to snuggle her and give her smooches all day long. well, as long as she'll let me.

...you'd know that i'm terrified of losing myself in mommyhood. 

i've always prided myself on being   multi-faceted....there's always more to me than people think. 

but having already lost myself once, i'm afraid i'll do it again.

don't get me wrong, i will  die a million deaths if that's what it takes to raise  happy, healthy, well-adjusted kiddos. but it's scary to think that i could be less of a person by forgetting my own happiness.

...you'd know that i desperately wish i was crafty and a DIY goddess. 

i've tried over and over again. but  i'm mediocre at everything DIY. it never quite turns out the way i envision it. and it irks me like no other.

...you'd know that i'm shy. at my core, i'm incredibly shy. 

i put on a good front, but really....i'm shaking  in my boots.

...you'd know that  anytime i feel sick i instantly think i'm pregnant.

even when there's no reason to think i'd be pregnant. smh.

...you'd know how important everyone's opinion of me is to me. 

it's almost sad that i'll get so worked up over strangers. i hate getting passed in  traffic because i don't want that other driver to hate me...even if i'm following the law.  

(or going 5mph over the posted speed limit)

or i worry that at my funeral, people won't have nice things to say. really...i have to stop worrying about it. but i can't. :/

...you'd know that i love to talk and share stories. and i really, genuinely love to make people laugh.

there's very few better feelings than knowing that other people are laughing because of funny stories or jokes you're telling. i really like being the center of attention.

...you'd know that i have horrible OCD and control issues. when i can't control my circumstance, i search for things i CAN control. like my environment. and i'm incredibly mean and harsh about it. and if i start to feel like someone is trying to control me, i start fuh-REEK-ing out and instantly start rebelling. it can make certain relationships more difficult.

...you'd know that  i have a REDIC love for reese's pieces and cranberry juice.

...you'd know that austin and i have our own secret little things we do that we've done since he was a baby. for instance- baby massage. after every bath, i'll put lotion on him. and no matter what time of day or how quickly we need to get dressed or ANYTHING, as soon as i touch his shoulders he starts giggling because he thinks i'm going to tickle him. i always say i'm not going to, but i grab his shoulders and squeeze quickly and scream "BABY MASSAAAAAAGE" and he cracks up. and i pray to God that he'll never stop laughing at our little inside jokes.

...you'd  know that i've never really fit in anywhere except where i've carved my own path.

...you'd know that i love to read books in the bath, that i'm a sucker for a good bassline... that i can't focus for too long and i hate when people talk over me. 

that i love the idea of love and i love being in love, but i'm scared i'll never find true love.

that i chew my toenails and twirl my bellybutton ring when i'm bored, that i suck on my tongue to go to sleep, that i sometimes avoid changing poop diapers by pretending i don't smell them and that i have an intense, deep attraction for the water.
that i use way more  LOL's and exclamation points than socially acceptable in emails and text messages and i have been told i have the softest lips on the planet {more than once}. that i love my little quirks and wouldn't change them for the world, but i would gladly shave off 3 inches from each of my thighs.

there's so much that you may not know, 

but i invite you to join me on the ride and figure it all out, friends.