I think part of the reason I haven't been around much lately is due to the fact that I find that I rarely have anything positive to report. Yes, Austin is being amazing and growing and thriving at such a rapid pace...I'm having a hard time keeping up with all of his new developments. It's a lot of fun to watch though..my little baby turning into a big boy every day, several times a day.
But even his awesomeness is darkened by how unhappy I feel every day, several times a day. Just when I think I'm surfacing from amidst this rocky, turbulent ocean, I'm dragged right back under by mean words, hurtful actions, and just plain ole' asshole-ness.
I don't WANT to be a negative nancy. I don't WANT to dwell on how many times a day I think about just leaving. I don't WANT to whine, bitch and moan over how unfair all of this is, but I really am at my wits end. It's hard to smile around this place. It's hard to have any happy moments that are left untarnished. But grief is like a horrible cloud of destruction and it's leaving a mess as it rolls through my house.
What's even worse is that my innocent, sweet babe is starting to take notice. On several occasions, he's started crying or looked terrified whenever there's turbulence in the air. I can't even beGIN to explain how much that rips my heart into pieces. I've been that child and it's not fair, nor is it right in any sense of the word. I can't count how many times I've shut my mouth or retreated [even when I had no other reason to] when I see it starting to take a toll for the worse.
I don't know when my breakthrough is coming, but I'm hoping it's soon. I don't know how long I can hold my breath. I've never been a good swimmer anyway.