Definition of Self
I am a woman. I have lived twenty-three years and seven weeks on this earth. My skin is brown. My heritage is African. Culturally, I consider myself an American. When in a crowd, I tend to draw all attention to me. This can only be explained by my experiences.
Born into a complicated but close family structure, I have lived in a constant battle of figuring out ‘self ‘ amongst the masses. Being one of many makes it hard to get noticed, that is, unless you do something note-worthy. I suppose that has always been my modus operandi: get noticed without trying too hard. Growing up, many things came easily. Very rarely did I need to apply much effort to get the results I wanted. When it came to music, it was always second nature. I didn’t have to try, the music just flowed through and out of me like blood flows through veins and out of wounds. When it came to connecting with people outside of my familial structure, it didn’t take much effort either. I was just my warm, loving and open self and people were drawn to how genuine I came across.
One major struggle throughout my life has been figuring out which peg I fit into racially and culturally. While my skin says one thing, the way I see myself says another. I guess I see myself as a round peg trying to fit into the corners of a square hole. If it were opposite there is no way I could fit into the whole, but a round peg can fit within the confines of a square, but it won’t fill the space entirely. I wouldn’t say that I’ve tried to “pass” as something I’m not, but I’ve definitely tried to fit within a society that I couldn’t always fill into. And at the same time, if I tried to fit within the “round peg I’m supposed to be” it wouldn’t feel right either.
I suppose that could explain why I don’t feel right with any sort of label or standards set upon me by others. I am a wife and a mother, and while I enjoy being so in the traditional sense, I’ve made it somewhat unique to me by having a silver hoop in my nose and working as a barista; two things that traditional mothers “just don’t do”. I study jazz music here at Cornish College of the Arts, yet I am constantly fusing other forms of music that interest me into my studies. Thus provoking the thought that “I haven’t found my sound yet” from teachers. Whenever there are standards, rules, or limitations set upon me, there is a bell that goes off in my brain signaling me to rebel and do the exact opposite or somehow make it more interesting by adding my own twist to a situation. Being noticed without trying too hard.
There are many different terms that I can use to define myself. Woman. Mother. Child. Wife. Musician. Student. Barista. Outgoing. Genuine. Deep. Thoughtful. Kind. Rebellious. Stubborn. Quick-Witted. The list really can go on and on. I’ve tried to nail down a specific definition for the last five years, but the only one that sums it up in a nice, neat package keeps turning out to be a little simple, a little cooky, kind of original, and just a tad bit rare: Kiranda.
Whaddaya think? lol I'm a nerd.