that one about resentment.

i spend a lot of my nights like this.

to say that i have been feeling a little ticked lately is an understatement. the only thing that keeps running through my brain is "it's not fair". it's not fair that he gets to sleep. it's not fair that i care so much about these kids. it's not fair that i have to try and figure out everything. it's not fair that i have to do a million things to contribute to the family and he only gets to do one. it's not fair that they won't let me work. it's not fair that they won't let me sleep. nothing is fair and that's just not fair.

oh yes. i'm whining. and i'm whining in a big big way.

when people ask me how i am or how are things...my answer is always, *small laugh and small eye roll/blink* "i'm just tired". and they usually laugh with me and we move onto the next topic. but they really don't know. or maybe they do. i'm not the only mom with two littles. i'm not the only person in the world who had kids back-to-back or amidst doing a million other things. i know i'm not the only one. and i know i don't have it as hard as some or as hard as i could have it.

you may have noticed that i have braids in my hair. i think my stress was making it fall out. that and the whole post-partum hair loss thingy. i would go to the bathroom to get ready and my hair would be all over the floor, sink, bathtub, etc. by the end of the morning. i mean it was a LOT of hair. i even noticed some thinning around my hairline. i can blame it on the chemicals, but honestly- it's stress. 

i feel so much pressure to be everything to everyone and perfect at it all. i feel like i can just power through it all and i'll get my reward. well, honey- i'm still waiting. sure- it's great to see how self-assured and attached my kidlets are. and a clean house, complete with freshly laundered clothes and a piping hot meal on the stove, makes me feel amazing. i can't lie- it does feel good. but i need a break. i need a vacation from my life. like i would KILL for one hour of time where i wasn't dealing with kids, the house, the hubs, school, photography, blogging, facebook/twitter/emails, etc. i just want to sit and BE.

*sigh* 

i don't hate my life. it's just hard sometimes when no one bothers to take care of me.

/whine.