My Dear.

My grandmother suffered a massive stroke yesterday afternoon. We were hopeful that it wasn't as bad as it seemed, but the doctors have told us that it's pretty grim. The entire left side of her brain has no activity due to swelling and hemorrhaging overnight. She's essentially non-functioning right now. She's on life support, but due to a  DNR/no life support clause in her will, they will be taking her off at some point today.

She was the center of our family, the glue holding us all together. I fear that, despite knowing and being Believers, that my family members will slowly have hardened hearts toward Christ. I pray that they seek refuge in Him and can grow stronger in their faith during this trying time. 



I'm happy she got to meet my husband and my kids. Taking that last minute trip to Spokane for her birthday party with Bella was the best decision I ever made. I'm sad she won't know any future children. I'm sad they were too young to be able to remember her. I wish we'd taken more pictures...well I tried, but she hated cameras. :/


I don't know if I'll make it to her before she passes. I feel a sense of odd numbness right now. I'm torn between wanting to stay away and going to face the reality of the situation. I don't know how I'll feel down the line if I don't go either. I just know this really sucks having to face this reality. Holidays are going to be the worst. I was so excited to have her here for my recital on my birthday. She hadn't really seen me perform before. I hate knowing that her house will still be here but she won't be in it. And I just know that my family is going to make this whole transition pretty hellish for me. Pssh- my sister already got frustrated with me for booking her a last minute flight out of the wrong airport....like I'm supposed to know, right? UGH.


I feel selfish sorrow. I want her here for myself and my little family. But I also feel so much joy. I'm so happy that she will no longer be in pain. I'm so happy she'll finally get to meet Our Heavenly Father. I know she'll be dancing and singing and having an amazing time with the Lord and all of her friends and family up there in Heaven. I know this isn't goodbye, just a temporary "see ya later". Last night I was able to sing to her. I sang "His Eye Is On The Sparrow" and she was trying to talk and responsive, so I know she heard me. 

Last night I listened to "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe. And at some point soon, she will know. What an amazing, yet sad thing to realize...