eye-opener

{via}

tonight was a definite eye-opener. despite the fact that i had plans a week in the making, i was forced to cancel them because of stbe's inconsideration. *shrugs* what else is new, right? so there i was, facing a long night with two kids who spent most of the day screaming and whining and, even though they were tired, they were NOT going to sleep. sleep would show weakness. and as i've learned in the last year: one mama. two babies. whomever showed weakness would lose the battle. and these two will wear me out long before i wear them out.

i was on skype with my sister when the dad left. austin started crying immediately. bella was in my lap banging her fists on my keyboard and, after some coaxing austin brought his whining into the room. somehow he got over it and then bella started up again. and it has been this way all effing night. my favorite parts {yes, this happened multiple times} would have to be when bella would scream as if someone was beating the living daylights out of her and literally NOTHING i could do would help. so i just held her tightly, shh-ing her, and rocked her. i think i might've rocked more for myself than anything else.

it's just been a big eye-opener. i finally got them to sleep around 1am after lying there, feeling very sorry for myself, and feeling like the world was on my shoulders. truthfully, i still feel that way. i don't even feel mad. it's just a bunch of sadness. i'm sad that i made the choices i made, chose the person i did, and ended up here. and i really hate that i let myself get so far out of my comfort zone that relief seems too far away. i know it'll all end up okay. i can see the changes that'll make it better. i can literally taste and feel freedom...it's just getting there that's been the issue. i'm terrified. it's going to take something bigger than me and bigger than my support system.. it'll take the wonderful mercy of Christ. and my faith is big and strong.

i'm ready to put in the work and the effort to find that happiness i crave. but sometimes, like tonight, i have to cry. i have to throw a tantrum. then i need to pick myself up, dust off my shoulders, and stop feeling sorry for myself. tonight has been a huge eye-opener. and i'm ready. so bring it.