Back at it.

I ran up the stairs, slammed the door twice and locked myself in my bedroom. I ran to my closet and covered my head and my ears to drown out any noise resulting from my outburst. I locked my bathroom door and covered myself in a blanket and slept on the cold tile floor. 

I don't even know how long I was there, but eventually it was too hard and cold to stay there...but I wasn't ready to go downstairs. I pressed my ear to the floor and could hear them still whining, still hear them playing and making messes. I could hear Charlie and Tessa talking and moving around, the dishwasher cleaning dishes....it was too much to deal with, even though it wouldn't seem that way to anyone else.

I crawled into bed. I could hear people driving by. I really do live in a beautiful, perfect, suburban area. It's peaceful and calming, even when the weather sucks. And I feel like a fraud, living in this perfect neighborhood with all this darkness inside of mine,

Then it hits me.....this damn depression isn't through holding onto me. I'm SO over it. I'm ready to be capable of dealing with my life. I'm tired of being a crappy mom. I'm tired of being in its clutches. 

I'm ready to be myself again.