Why didn't anyone tell me about this part of being a mom? Why do I feel completely and totally blindsided by this? Why do I feel like a big fat failure? It sucks having to be "on" all of the time. It sucks having to be smiley all of the time. It sucks when people ask you questions and you don't want to be "one of those" moms so you smile and focus on the positive.
I've loved my son since before he was ever made. I've loved him since I knew I could have kids, some eons ago. Since the day I knew I'd marry Charlie, I'd imagined whose dominate features would come shining through in our offspring. Would he get my eyes or my nose? Or my incredibly small fingers and toes? How about Charlie's height or lean body mass? Maybe his metabolism or his really cool head with extra wrinkly skin? I didn't care, as long as he was MINE. And I feel the exact same way about any future kids we will have, God willing.
But why didn't ANYONE tell me that there will be times when I've had enough...when I LITERALLY canNOT take it anymore. I can't hand him over to someone else fast enough and just escape to the bathroom. Why didn't they tell me that I'd actually savor the few minutes I'd take to pee? And that I might even just sit there and zone out for a few more minutes to try and regroup? I thought that those baths every night during my pregnancy were necessary...gosh, I get anxious every time I'm able to sit there for fifteen minutes uninterrupted.
I don't know what this is. I'm not even sure if I can accurately describe it. I'm even ashamed at myself for being slightly envious of women with PPD. At least they KNOW what's wrong. Me? I'm not sure. I have such limited knowledge on the subject. I don't know if what I'm feeling is depression or just a case of the baby blues. I don't want to harm a hair on his head nor do am I able to set him down in another room and walk away. One of my biggest obstacles in dealing with people is wanting to be taken seriously. I never felt like I was taken seriously as a kid so I'm making it my mission to never let my children feel that way, so in a crazy-twisted way [in my head], by my walking out of a room I'm not believing in his cries. Does that make sense?
I've tried talking to Charlie about it. I've asked for the help and the "mommy-sans-baby" time and I've gotten it, but I don't know if it's enough. I feel bad asking for any more than what I'm getting already. But even when I do get those times alone or that help, he's still fussing. I can hear it. It interrupts everything that I'm doing and brings me right back into mommy-mode. I feel like I can't escape it. It gets worse if I've worked at all during the day. If I've been working hard, I feel it in my body. Then at home- the baby is crying and fussing and basically inconsolable. Nothing I do works. He doesn't want to be held, he doesn't want to be in one of his swings or bouncers, he doesn't want to sit up, he doesn't want to lie down, he doesn't want to stand up, he doesn't want the breast, he doesn't want daddy, he just isn't happy and I. DON'T. KNOW. WHY!
I feel like I'm failing. And I don't know who to talk to about it. When I say I'm overwhelmed, Charlie just looks at me like I'm psycho. How can I POSSIBLY be overwhelmed with an infant, sitting at home, and working one or two days a week? How can I POSSIBLY be overwhelmed when he grabs things for me, takes him as soon as he gets home from his full-time job, puts him to bed and gives me mommy-time? And to be honest, part of me agrees with him.
Tonight we went to a bbq at his coworker/friends house. We brought the dog and the baby. I totally expected to have a great time. We waited for A to wake up from his nap, we dressed him in appropriate clothing since the weather was nice, and we even brought his bumbo and his swing just in case. Well for the last few weeks, he's been getting super fussy during the evenings. Pretty much on cue, he starts fussing wildly around 8 o'clock and he doesn't stop until he's ready for bed. Sometimes that's 9pm, sometimes that's 1 or 2am. It all depends on him. And wouldn't you know it...on cue, he's upset about something. So I try rocking him.I try feeding him.I try readjusting him and holding him differently. I passed him to Charlie. I gave him a taste of my food. I squirted breast milk in his mouth. I took him outside. I changed his diaper. I changed him into a lighter onesie. I came back inside and he was fine for a few minutes then he started up again. I sighed and said I wanted to run away and then I took him downstairs to a completely dark and quiet room and laid down with him to nurse. I sat him on my lap and let him play with the dogs. I did everything I could think of. I'd spent the last 2 hours completely separated from the group of friends and nothing was working. Finally, I asked Charlie to just take us home. Now I'm the bad guy.
Because I'm overwhelmed I come across as a bitch. I was "rude" to his friends and made a big deal out of nothing. I admit that saying "I want to run away" does nothing positive for the situation, but I really was only talking to the only other mother in the room. And the reason is because her and I had had this conversation a few months ago when I was upset about having to do everything by myself. He says I have nothing to complain about and he has no pity for me because I'm always out doing things and he helps out a lot so, essentially, suck it up. Like I said before, I agree....partially. My babe was never like this before and I understand there are different stages and this is just one of those difficult stages, but I'm finding myself hating night times. He still sleeps well through the night, it's just getting him to that point.
I truly do miss the life I had when I had no one to take care of besides myself. It was easier, in some ways. Again, I love my husband and my babies and I don't want them to ever go away. I just feel so overwhelmed and overstimulated and overneeded. I don't know how to cope with these feelings. I just sit and stare, not looking at anything but thinking about everything. I feel like I'm losing myself in all of this and, in turn, it's making me a fail at my responsibilities as a wife and a mother.
I don't even know what to do anymore...
Whew, hang in there!! I know just how you feel, and it is extremely rough. No one tells you this was coming because it would scare you out of having kids. A couple points:
ReplyDelete1-You do NOT have it less difficult just because you don't have a full time job and you go out and "do stuff". You have it MORE difficult. You are "ON CALL" 24/7. Even when you are asleep, you are still expected to wake on cue as needed. You get no breaks, and when you do get breaks all you can think about is the baby.
2- Baby might have a touch of colic or of another condition that I cannot remember the name of it now for some reason, but it is basically like heartburn in babies. Their esophagus isn't fully developed and food comes up. It comes with overactive letdown of the breast milk and possibly overfeeding. My first born had it. Something to maybe check out?
3-Your hubby is going to have to get used to you sometimes being "rude' - cause the more you use up your patience on your baby's needs, the less that there is left for everyone else. I don't know why this happens, but it just does. My patience and tolerance for difficult people and difficult situations has gone down to NIL since becoming a mom. I get irritated waaaay more quickly than pre-kids.
4- You are a nervous first time mom. I was a nervous first time mom too. What you describe sounds just exactly like me 3 years ago when I first became a mom. It will eventually subside, but it takes time because you care so very deeply about your baby's well being.
5- This is not failure... this is adjustment. You are adjusting to a drastically different lifestyle. Its major stuff. Give yourself some time and dont be so hard on yourself. The reality is so different from the baby fantasy we had when we were pregnant. You are adjusting to that. And that's ok.
This is getting long so I will wrap it up by telling you that you are not alone. I hear you, and I understand. Just keep hanging in there, and soon enough things will start to look up, I promise. Hugs!
I tried to leave a comment and it was way long, and the thing said that it could not be processed... and it erased it all!! Ack! Anyway, I was basically saying that you are not alone... I know just how you are feeling. Its harder being at home with the baby and trying to learn how to be a mommy and provide for the baby's needs... you are "on" 24/7!! And you are not a failure... you are just adjusting. Its a major life change, and dont be so hard on yourself. Give yourself time to adjust! Also, since having kids I am waaay less patient with difficult situations and people. I dont know why this happens but I think it happens to a lot of moms. You use it all up on the baby and there is no patience left for anything else. Its normal. Hang in there!!! It gets better, I promise!!
ReplyDeleteYAH IT POSTED! Thanks so much. You have no idea how much I was hoping someone would come along and give me words of encouragement before I went to bed. It's tough, and people tell you that, but they don't say HOW it's tough, yk? I'm going to keep pushing through.
ReplyDeleteAnd to think, I'm crazy enough to want to do this again in a few years. WHAAAAAT!? lol
thank you sooooo much. you have no idea how much i appreciate this. really!
I really liked this post. You expressed many thoughts that many of us have but are afraid to state aloud.
ReplyDeleteTell his friends to suck it. You and baby come first.
I agree with Andrea above. She put it all beautifully! Hang in there - they only get more fun the bigger they get and the more they can do! Hope you are having a better day today! :)
ReplyDeleteHappy 4th of July!
The beauty of posts like this is that in 6 months, you'll go back and read it and you'll see just how far you've come. You're doing a great job Kiranda.
ReplyDelete4-6 months is a tough age. Just remember: When you want to pull away is precisely the time when you need to pull them closer. This applies to Charlie just as much as to Austin.
that being said, mama does need her time. Crying will not hurt him. Yes, it feels horrible. But a lot of times, a good cry is what they need. Dont you feel better after a good cry? As long as his basic needs are met (fed & changed) put him in the crib, close the door, go take a hot shower. Chances are, he'll be asleep or happily chewing on his hands by the time you come back out.
And even if he's not, at least mama will have regrouped and be more capable of attending to his needs. As far as not taking him seriously, I see your point. However, the frazzled attention of a mom at her wits end is nowhere near as soothing as the gentle attention of a mama who took some time to breathe.