Why didn't anyone tell me about this part of being a mom? Why do I feel completely and totally blindsided by this? Why do I feel like a big fat failure? It sucks having to be "on" all of the time. It sucks having to be smiley all of the time. It sucks when people ask you questions and you don't want to be "one of those" moms so you smile and focus on the positive.
I've loved my son since before he was ever made. I've loved him since I knew I could have kids, some eons ago. Since the day I knew I'd marry Charlie, I'd imagined whose dominate features would come shining through in our offspring. Would he get my eyes or my nose? Or my incredibly small fingers and toes? How about Charlie's height or lean body mass? Maybe his metabolism or his really cool head with extra wrinkly skin? I didn't care, as long as he was MINE. And I feel the exact same way about any future kids we will have, God willing.
But why didn't ANYONE tell me that there will be times when I've had enough...when I LITERALLY canNOT take it anymore. I can't hand him over to someone else fast enough and just escape to the bathroom. Why didn't they tell me that I'd actually savor the few minutes I'd take to pee? And that I might even just sit there and zone out for a few more minutes to try and regroup? I thought that those baths every night during my pregnancy were necessary...gosh, I get anxious every time I'm able to sit there for fifteen minutes uninterrupted.
I don't know what this is. I'm not even sure if I can accurately describe it. I'm even ashamed at myself for being slightly envious of women with PPD. At least they KNOW what's wrong. Me? I'm not sure. I have such limited knowledge on the subject. I don't know if what I'm feeling is depression or just a case of the baby blues. I don't want to harm a hair on his head nor do am I able to set him down in another room and walk away. One of my biggest obstacles in dealing with people is wanting to be taken seriously. I never felt like I was taken seriously as a kid so I'm making it my mission to never let my children feel that way, so in a crazy-twisted way [in my head], by my walking out of a room I'm not believing in his cries. Does that make sense?
I've tried talking to Charlie about it. I've asked for the help and the "mommy-sans-baby" time and I've gotten it, but I don't know if it's enough. I feel bad asking for any more than what I'm getting already. But even when I do get those times alone or that help, he's still fussing. I can hear it. It interrupts everything that I'm doing and brings me right back into mommy-mode. I feel like I can't escape it. It gets worse if I've worked at all during the day. If I've been working hard, I feel it in my body. Then at home- the baby is crying and fussing and basically inconsolable. Nothing I do works. He doesn't want to be held, he doesn't want to be in one of his swings or bouncers, he doesn't want to sit up, he doesn't want to lie down, he doesn't want to stand up, he doesn't want the breast, he doesn't want daddy, he just isn't happy and I. DON'T. KNOW. WHY!
I feel like I'm failing. And I don't know who to talk to about it. When I say I'm overwhelmed, Charlie just looks at me like I'm psycho. How can I POSSIBLY be overwhelmed with an infant, sitting at home, and working one or two days a week? How can I POSSIBLY be overwhelmed when he grabs things for me, takes him as soon as he gets home from his full-time job, puts him to bed and gives me mommy-time? And to be honest, part of me agrees with him.
Tonight we went to a bbq at his coworker/friends house. We brought the dog and the baby. I totally expected to have a great time. We waited for A to wake up from his nap, we dressed him in appropriate clothing since the weather was nice, and we even brought his bumbo and his swing just in case. Well for the last few weeks, he's been getting super fussy during the evenings. Pretty much on cue, he starts fussing wildly around 8 o'clock and he doesn't stop until he's ready for bed. Sometimes that's 9pm, sometimes that's 1 or 2am. It all depends on him. And wouldn't you know it...on cue, he's upset about something. So I try rocking him.I try feeding him.I try readjusting him and holding him differently. I passed him to Charlie. I gave him a taste of my food. I squirted breast milk in his mouth. I took him outside. I changed his diaper. I changed him into a lighter onesie. I came back inside and he was fine for a few minutes then he started up again. I sighed and said I wanted to run away and then I took him downstairs to a completely dark and quiet room and laid down with him to nurse. I sat him on my lap and let him play with the dogs. I did everything I could think of. I'd spent the last 2 hours completely separated from the group of friends and nothing was working. Finally, I asked Charlie to just take us home. Now I'm the bad guy.
Because I'm overwhelmed I come across as a bitch. I was "rude" to his friends and made a big deal out of nothing. I admit that saying "I want to run away" does nothing positive for the situation, but I really was only talking to the only other mother in the room. And the reason is because her and I had had this conversation a few months ago when I was upset about having to do everything by myself. He says I have nothing to complain about and he has no pity for me because I'm always out doing things and he helps out a lot so, essentially, suck it up. Like I said before, I agree....partially. My babe was never like this before and I understand there are different stages and this is just one of those difficult stages, but I'm finding myself hating night times. He still sleeps well through the night, it's just getting him to that point.
I truly do miss the life I had when I had no one to take care of besides myself. It was easier, in some ways. Again, I love my husband and my babies and I don't want them to ever go away. I just feel so overwhelmed and overstimulated and overneeded. I don't know how to cope with these feelings. I just sit and stare, not looking at anything but thinking about everything. I feel like I'm losing myself in all of this and, in turn, it's making me a fail at my responsibilities as a wife and a mother.
I don't even know what to do anymore...