instead, i choose joy.

bella bryn- two days old

my daughter was born with biliary atresia. it's a rare congenital liver disease that occurs in newborns. what that means is that she was born with it. the sad truth is that no one knows the reason why some babies are born with while others aren't. it's not hereditary and usually occurs in only one child in a family. so that explains why austin didn't have it and why any other children would more than likely not have it. bella was also born six weeks premature {or three weeks before the "safe zone"}. again, there are theories as to why this happened, but no one will ever know for sure.

today i was told that my attempting to be "supermom" caused my premature delivery and her liver problems.

you'd have to be an idiot to not believe that i've thought this countless times. every time i went to the NICU, every three hours for two weeks, i cringed and hated myself. i thought over and over again "what did i do wrong? how could i have changed this?" and when FINALLY after six weeks of test after test we got the official biliary atresia diagnosis...i felt even MORE horrible. i think about it every. single. day. when i see the scar that crosses her body and to know that she came from me, broken....it KILLS me.
after six hours of surgery

but for someone who has never said more than five words to me in person, someone who merely reads my facebook, twitter and my blog...for someone who thinks they know me or my family to say anything regarding my daughter....it ignites a fire in me so hot.

but instead of resorting to using my hot tongue to make her feel as low as she really is, i'm choosing joy.

my daughter is my hero. she's the toughest chick i know.
my son reached up and grabbed my hand today. he's never done that.
i've had two beauuuutiful babies in less than two years and i still look good.
i've got a wonderful husband who is human and drives me nuts, but loves us something fierce.
i've got my family. even if they caused me to have issues. they're amazing.
i have an education. i have a bachelor's degree and am actively pursuing my dreams.
i have a wonderful community of friends both IRL and through blogging who support me to the ends of the earth.
i live in a beautiful neighborhood, in a beautiful house and i have beautiful things.
all my wants and needs are taken care of...i never have to worry.
i know my worth and will not settle for anything less than perfect for me.
my Heavenly Father loves me unconditionally and has never deserted me, even when i've deserved it.

and that's just the beginning.

my attempting to be "supermom" was my working, going to school and working to have a full life.
if that makes me a bad person, then i wear that title with pride.

so while i'm hurting that someone could say something so callous and so mean and so hurtful, i'm choosing joy. i choose to focus on the amazing blessings in my life. i really do have an amazing life.


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