i'd like to feel as if i didn't get married just to have the same feelings i did as a child. growing up, i felt that my opinion wasn't considered and that in order to keep as much harmony as possible- i should just go with the flow. years later, i moved out and did things MY way. i tell you, it was a great time. now i'm married and i feel as if i'm back in the hellhole of my childhood. if i want to stand my ground, there's going to be hell to pay. if i just want things to be easy going and drama-free, i'll keep my opinions to myself.
i can't lie and say that there's no resentment going on in my realm. there's a ton of it. and it all stems from the fact that [i feel] the only time my opinions can be voiced and respected are when they are dead on or similar to his. we argue every now and then [not NEARLY as much as before] but i've learned to just shut up and swallow all of the things i WANT to say just to keep the peace. i know life isn't fair, but should that same theory apply to my marriage?
don't get me wrong, i'm as stubborn as they come. when i've made up my mind, it takes an act of God to change it. and that is definitely wrong since it stopped being about me the day i said "i do". and even less about me when austin came into the picture. i get it...it's not the kiranda show anymore. and i've definitely weasled my way in every now and then. today, the largest spider i've ever seen in person decided to make an appearance in our house. i'm talking MASSIVE. now with me being terrified of them even though they're not poisonous, i'm thinking of ways to avoid having to deal with them. 1)move sooner or 2) get a cat. option 1 sounds great but the house isn't going to be ready any sooner. that aside, there will STILL be spiders. winter is coming and they want to keep warm too. [why in my house?]..so i opt for option 2. i find three different ads for free kittens, so obviously it's meant to be. he says no. i say whatever i'm doing it anyway. i go so far as to being 5 minutes from the kitten and get all of these fb status comments about why i should wait. [act of God. in fact, i DID ask Him to show me if i was being irresponsible...thanks...] so i give the mister one final call to give me his answer. before he left to go motorcycle shopping, he was beginning to change his tune. well he said no again.
ugh..long story shortened up a bit. i'm resentful.
let me clarify: it's NOT ABOUT THE KITTEN. nor is it about any other meaningless thing that comes up. it's what they represent. it's the fact that i don't contribute to anything around the house therefore i don't get a say in how anything is run. currently, my JOB is to grow a human. but even THAT gets taken away from me because it's HIS kid. i quit work upon his suggestion because i was working too hard trying to keep up and the risk of getting sick or losing Austin wasn't worth it. in hindsight, i could've sucked it up and dealt with it had i known that my lack of $$ would be thrown in my face. when i muster up the energy, i clean and do laundry. he comes home and throws his junk all over the place and then complains when the house is dirty again the next morning. and when i try to implement new procedures and organization techniques...WATCH OUT! i don't even try to cook for him anymore because he's on this new health kick trying to max out on all of his points to get promoted. while i fully support his decisions because they will better our situation as a whole, i do NOT support feeling as if i can't make the right decision in preparing healthy meals just because i don't use low-fat mayo. and need i even GO there to mention how often we talk about my weight and body image. yes, in the beginning i had issues with my body being out of my control...but i haven't felt that way in awhile so why do we even bring it up anymore? [unless you have some harbored feelings about how i look naked....]
everything that we do is because he agrees with it or he brought it up in the first place; not because he trusts me to make decisions for us. i believe in the man being the man of the house and being the authority figure...but at what expense i guess is my frustration. i want him to feel loved, appreciated, respected, and cared for, but do i have to lay on my back and let him make every decision without consulting my opinions or feelings?
I tried finding the book in the library but then he called and told me to get the kitten [at that point, I was over it but still dealing with the resentment issue]. I tried explaining that to him, but he wasn't hearing me so I ended up getting upset and leaving before I could really search for it.
ReplyDeleteAt the retreat we had a great time practicing communication. And our communication HAS gotten easier with less arguments and more productive ways to handle any issues that come up. You made a great point about respect. After I got over myself, I realized just how disrespectful I had been by making those statements. He came home and I apologized and he accepted. And you were very right- if I had come home with a kitten, HE'D have to take responsibility for it. That's something I'm not used to dealing with. Before Austin, I would've been able to handle it. ykwim.
I hate being wrong, hence the reason I sulked for so long. But even during all of this, I knew I was wrong.
Now how can we change [or even accept] that most of his decisions start out with, "I'm doing this because *I* need/want..." lol
Whew, sounds like that situation for the most part has blown over. In the future, I'd be wary of him calling and giving in so quickly about an issue. (Unless its accompanied with "I've given this some thought") When a person gives in quickly - and us women do this a lot - its not because they are truly OK with something, its because they're tired of fighting and just want some peace.
ReplyDeleteHowever, giving in for those reasons will lead to resentment in the long run. Had you actually come home with a kitten, you'd probably have to deal with snide remarks and general distaste from his direction. Did he say "get the darn cat"? yes. But did he REALLY mean "get the darn cat"? no.
Pass along to him what I said about sacrifice. If he was used to bachelor life, just as you were used to single woman life, then both of you aren't used to consulting another person to make decisions. Its totally understandable! However, you are married now and that just wont fly anymore. He can't have everything he wants just because he wants it. Neither can you. So if you make "who has to sacrifice more?" your basis for making decisions, then it may help.
As a personal example, Matt and I have always struggled with his military career decisions. When it came time to decide where to live after Hawaii, he wanted to go overseas and I wanted to come back to WA. It wasnt a sacrifice either way for him - it was just personal preference. However, for me it would be a huge sacrifice to my educational goals to go overseas. Since I had the biggest investment in the decision, it came down to what I wanted.
But when it came to the decision of whether he should stay in for 20, or get out, the sacrifice was biggest for him. He's the one who puts on the uniform every day. He made the decision based on what worked for him.
If you do this, be sure that you both do NOT keep score. Sacrifice is counted on a situational basis not the number of times over-all. It shouldn't be "you got to make the final decision 5 times, therefore I get my way THIS time." If you've had 5 situations that required deeper sacrifice on Charlie's part, then its reasonable that he would get final say 5 times. But then the next 5 decisions might require deeper sacrifice on your behalf, allowing you final say. Its just the way the cookie crumbles.
Marriage is freaking hard isn't it? Its not for the faint of heart. It requires giving more than you think you can. Every. Single. Day. And when you dont think you can give anymore, ask God to fill you up so you can give more. In an ideal perfect world you'd both give equally 100% of the time. But we know thats not reality. We're human. We get stuck with our heads up our butts. And when that happens, we need the other person to be gracious until we get back on track. Even in your deepest anger or sadness, ask God to help you see your spouse through His eyes. As a beautiful, broken, sinful, stupid child - but one worth dying for. It'll put your heart in perspective every time.