i'd like to feel as if i didn't get married just to have the same feelings i did as a child. growing up, i felt that my opinion wasn't considered and that in order to keep as much harmony as possible- i should just go with the flow. years later, i moved out and did things MY way. i tell you, it was a great time. now i'm married and i feel as if i'm back in the hellhole of my childhood. if i want to stand my ground, there's going to be hell to pay. if i just want things to be easy going and drama-free, i'll keep my opinions to myself.
i can't lie and say that there's no resentment going on in my realm. there's a ton of it. and it all stems from the fact that [i feel] the only time my opinions can be voiced and respected are when they are dead on or similar to his. we argue every now and then [not NEARLY as much as before] but i've learned to just shut up and swallow all of the things i WANT to say just to keep the peace. i know life isn't fair, but should that same theory apply to my marriage?
don't get me wrong, i'm as stubborn as they come. when i've made up my mind, it takes an act of God to change it. and that is definitely wrong since it stopped being about me the day i said "i do". and even less about me when austin came into the picture. i get it...it's not the kiranda show anymore. and i've definitely weasled my way in every now and then. today, the largest spider i've ever seen in person decided to make an appearance in our house. i'm talking MASSIVE. now with me being terrified of them even though they're not poisonous, i'm thinking of ways to avoid having to deal with them. 1)move sooner or 2) get a cat. option 1 sounds great but the house isn't going to be ready any sooner. that aside, there will STILL be spiders. winter is coming and they want to keep warm too. [why in my house?]..so i opt for option 2. i find three different ads for free kittens, so obviously it's meant to be. he says no. i say whatever i'm doing it anyway. i go so far as to being 5 minutes from the kitten and get all of these fb status comments about why i should wait. [act of God. in fact, i DID ask Him to show me if i was being irresponsible...thanks...] so i give the mister one final call to give me his answer. before he left to go motorcycle shopping, he was beginning to change his tune. well he said no again.
ugh..long story shortened up a bit. i'm resentful.
let me clarify: it's NOT ABOUT THE KITTEN. nor is it about any other meaningless thing that comes up. it's what they represent. it's the fact that i don't contribute to anything around the house therefore i don't get a say in how anything is run. currently, my JOB is to grow a human. but even THAT gets taken away from me because it's HIS kid. i quit work upon his suggestion because i was working too hard trying to keep up and the risk of getting sick or losing Austin wasn't worth it. in hindsight, i could've sucked it up and dealt with it had i known that my lack of $$ would be thrown in my face. when i muster up the energy, i clean and do laundry. he comes home and throws his junk all over the place and then complains when the house is dirty again the next morning. and when i try to implement new procedures and organization techniques...WATCH OUT! i don't even try to cook for him anymore because he's on this new health kick trying to max out on all of his points to get promoted. while i fully support his decisions because they will better our situation as a whole, i do NOT support feeling as if i can't make the right decision in preparing healthy meals just because i don't use low-fat mayo. and need i even GO there to mention how often we talk about my weight and body image. yes, in the beginning i had issues with my body being out of my control...but i haven't felt that way in awhile so why do we even bring it up anymore? [unless you have some harbored feelings about how i look naked....]
everything that we do is because he agrees with it or he brought it up in the first place; not because he trusts me to make decisions for us. i believe in the man being the man of the house and being the authority figure...but at what expense i guess is my frustration. i want him to feel loved, appreciated, respected, and cared for, but do i have to lay on my back and let him make every decision without consulting my opinions or feelings?