30 Days Of Truth: {DAY FOUR}

30 Days Of Truth

{Day Four}

Something you have to forgive someone for.

This one, while subjectively tough, isn't as tough as it may seem. I've already given forgiveness.

I'm sure I could find something less shocking and less troublesome to forgive for, but this is me being honest. And by me being honest...I'm choosing to be brutally honest. It's not pretty friends. But I've already forgiven the three men who sexually assaulted me 8 years ago.


*I MUST WARN YOU. IT'S NOT PRETTY. I SUGGEST LEAVING NOW IF YOU'RE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH IT. THIS IS MY STORY AND I DON'T WANT TO OFFEND ANYONE, I JUST WANT TO BE HONEST. I WON'T BE OFFENDED IF YOU DON'T READ, I PROMISE.*

It was the summer before my junior year. I'd just met the guy that I would spend 2 years with. The second guy I thought I was going to marry. [Oh little Kiranda. How ridiculous you were...] He lived in Seattle and was *gasp* older. I was 15 years old. He had called the day before to tell me that he wouldn't be coming into town like he promised but would be there the day after. Okay, cool. I had a cheerleading fundraiser anyway.

We stood on the corner, just outside of the Valley where I grew up,holding signs directing people to the car show at the fairgrounds. I remember the McDonald's across the street. I'm not going to lie- my friends and I were hot. We were cheerleaders! Boys drove by and honked. And if they stopped at the red light, they threw compliments our way. A car full of three guys, of black persuasion, pulled up and showed their appreciation. They came back after awhile and I shouted out my number. Where's the harm in hanging out with cute strangers? I'd done this several times. I'd hung out with people I barely knew. I was cautiously spontaneous like that. 

It would take me several years to be that spontaneous ever again. 

I had every intention of "hooking up", but I was a virgin. When I decided I was done, I just stopped. Well these guys didn't understand the meaning of the word NO. Nor did they understand that scratching until they bled, punching and kicking, and screaming my head off meant NO. Instead, they turned the music up louder to drown out my cries. They locked the door so no one at the party downstairs could come inside. They made sure that I knew there was a gun in the room. 

I wanted to die. I knew they were going to shoot me as soon as they were done. And I was okay with that.

The worst... the absolute worst...was when one of them left, people started filing in. Some men and even some women. I looked one girl dead in the face and asked her to help me. She turned and left.

None of the guys wanted to drive me home. They knew I had my cell phone. At some point, while I sat on the sidewalk outside of the house in the dark, I called a friend of mine and told her I smelled blood. One of the guys interrupted my call and said he'd drive me home. I'd wanted to stay on the phone with her to make sure someone knew where I was, but it was dying. I'd started to recognize where I was so I gave her landmark clues just in case because he'd brought the gun with him in the car and it was in between us. As soon as I hung up the phone, he turned right instead of the left he should've made which would've taken us to the freeway. He drove through a dark, winding, almost deserted part of town. I only saw one set of house lights. He said if I didn't do what he wanted, he'd shoot me right then and there. I called him every disgusting name I could think of before, during, and after. I didn't care anymore. 


He dropped me off where I told him [several blocks from my actual house] and I limped home in the dark cold wearing nothing but blood stained shorts and a borrowed shirt [because I'd lost my shirt at their house]. 


It took me awhile before I could trust again, before I could be in my hometown without fear. I had nightmares. I had panic attacks. I had physical attacks [I shook and would black out and be unresponsive for awhile]. I held it all inside and only told one other person. But I survived. And once I could pray again, I prayed for their forgiveness. I forgave them and forgave myself for being so stupid. 


I didn't just survive. I'm living. I'm breathing. I'm loving. I'm thriving. Would I go back and change things? I don't really know. But I'm thankful that I've made it this far...despite the circumstances.