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Okay.
Let me first start off by saying thank you for watching Austin so many times, on short notice, and for FREE. That really was a blessing because even though we are able to survive on one income, having the extra money is great. And with Charlie's new schedule for the summer, which derailed every single plan I had for working, it helped being able to work a few days when we didn't have one of us at home to watch him. Our biggest thing with him is that we don't want him to go to daycare. This is for several reasons. First, It's very important that he is raised by his parents. As a kid whose parents had to work all day, it was important that my kids got my time. Secondly, childcare is expensive. It's ridiculous. When we looked at it, I'd essentially be working JUST to pay for childcare. That's pointless. Spend time away from my baby so that all of my money goes to someone else to care for him? I think not. And Thirdly, the most important one- we wanted him to get the same level of care he receives from us. We're big on Attachment Parenting. I don't know if you know what that is or if you've heard it..but basically it's like this: He's breastfed, we co-sleep, we wear him in a sling/wrap, and we don't let him "cry it out". We don't believe in spoiling a baby or a baby "manipulating" us because babies aren't born with the knowledge of manipulation. That is a learned behavior. And spoiling is what happens to food that's left out overnight, not a baby. These things are super important to us because it shows Austin that no matter what, someone believes in him and he is able to trust others. Especially those that take care of him [ie: parents and babysitters]. I can't put enough emphasis on how important this is to us. Because we've been APing since the second he was born, he's never been a crying or whiny baby. Whenever he is fussy, it's because he is telling us that something is WRONG. For example, he cries when he's hungry or when he's tired or when his diaper needs changing. You see, he can't talk. His only means of communication is his cry. So he's learned that he can communicate to us and we'll fix the problem. You've seen firsthand how he doesn't just cry like some other babies. And that's why.
I don't know very many people out here. I lived in Seattle for four years before I met and married Charlie. And while I've met plenty of people, I don't have very many close friends here. The people that I trust with my life without reservation don't live near here so it's hard for me. You see, I don't trust ANYONE. I barely trust my own parents let alone people I've barely met. And I suffer from the need to have things go my way. I'm incredibly OCD and particular about certain things. One of those things is my son. It's wrong, but I don't believe that anyone can do for him like I can. I don't believe anyone can love him as much as I do. I even get a bit worried leaving him with his father. Not because I doubt Charlie's abilities as a father- I just hate not being there to make sure that everything is just so.
I've spent time with you and your kids and the other girls and felt pretty good about leaving him in your care. Especially when you were willing to come here and watch him in our home. You warned me against having Aubrey watching him and I went along with your recommendation. You reasoned that she is overwhelmed with her two kids and just doesn't have it all together to watch a baby. Okay..great. Thanks for the tip. Sure you can watch my kid. You also told me about how you watched plenty of babies in your time so that made me feel a lot better. Anytime I checked in you confirmed that he wasn't whining or crying and was just a good kid overall. Great. There was one time when I came home from work a bit early and as I walked up to the door I could hear him crying. I walked in the house and he was in your arms. I felt okay because I saw that you'd picked him up when he was upset.
Then we started bringing him to your house. Even though I was slightly uncomfortable with it, I needed to fulfill my obligation at work and you were the only one available so I went with it. I asked Charlie how he was when he picked him up and he said all was fine and you were holding him. When I came home, I checked to see how much milk was left and how many diapers had been used. I was satisfied. This became our routine. I'd drop him off at your house, Charlie would pick him up, I'd ask how things were and check the bottles and diaper bag. I had no cause for concern up until this point.
Then one time I came home and went to the fridge and saw that there were six ounces of milk left over. I'd sent over nine and there'd been a whole eight hours since I'd seen him. I asked Charlie if he'd fed him when he picked him up and he said no. This was because I nursed him in the car when they picked me up. The hairs on my neck prickled, but I put those fears to rest. Maybe he'd slept most of the day. He'd been known to do that. But I was still a bit uneasy. I brought him to you the next day except you were at Katie's house instead of your own. It'd been a week since you watched Austin and though I was a bit uneasy, I let it go. When I came home that day, I checked the diaper bag and noticed that most of the diapers were still in there. I mentioned both of these concerns to Charlie and he was concerned as well, but he left it up to me as to what I'd do. I never considered NOT bringing him to you anymore. I just wanted to make it clear that he was getting fed and that he was getting his diaper changed regularly. Admittedly, Charlie has forgotten to change his diaper before. No harm done, I just wanted things to be addressed and remedied.
Then I get a call from Janie.
I don't know what the beef is. From my understanding, everyone's butthurt over people talking about people. I don't want to get into it, since it's really none of my business, but I will say this. EVERYONE has talked about EVERYONE behind their backs. I've witnessed people [including you] saying this about so and so and this about so and so and then smile in their faces. What. Ever. Wear your big girl panties and move on. All I know is this: I was told about what went on the last day Austin was in your care and I'm not happy about it. Not only am I not happy- I'm PISSED. Beyond that, I'm hurt and I feel stupid.
I was told that he cried himself to sleep in another room repeatedly that day. I was also told that his diaper was only changed once. And that the only time you truly held him was when Charlie pulled up. Again, this is what I was told by people that were once your friends. I don't know them well enough to say that they wouldn't tell me these things to spite you..I'm sure they are capable of that. But the seed of doubt has been planted. It was planted long before they even called me. And to be completely honest, I've noticed a change in my son. He went from being my very attached, very secure baby to this kid that I don't even recognize. It's been like two weeks and I'm still trying to get him to trust me.
I can only go off what I have witnessed. I haven't been there with you. I only have seen bottles and diapers and the emotional state of my son. So whether or not what I've been told is true, I still feel uneasy. I thank you so much for everything you have done for Austin and my family. Your help was very appreciated. It'd be horrid of me to not let you tell your side of the story. So I welcome that from you, if you'd like. I understand if you'd rather not be friends with me. I consider myself Switzerland. I'm in the middle of the drama, but I'm not participating..and that's mostly because it has nothing to do with me. I'm just doing what I feel is best for my son.
Thanks again,
Kiranda
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