30 Days Of Truth: {DAY FOURTEEN}

30 Days Of Truth

{Day Fourteen}

A hero that has let you down. [Write a letter]

Dear Father,

I'm being completely open and honest with my blog readers for thirty days. Not that I'm ever NOT honest, I'm just answering some questions that may be hard to deal with but will provide them an inside look into my life. That being said...today is day fourteen. I'm supposed to write about someone who has let me down. And I'm sad to say, that hero is you.

There was nothing more that I wanted than to make you happy. It felt good to know that I looked like you. In fact, when I started looking more like my mom I was mortified. Not that mommy isn't beautiful...it's just nice to look like your dad. lol Anyway. I never knew you as the typical dad. You were the dad that lived in California. We would get phone calls and presents and summer vacations with you. You and mommy divorced when I was really little and I was okay with that. I loved that you called me daughter number one. I love that I was your first little girl. You made me feel special. 

We didn't have a strong bond when I was growing up, but when I graduated high school and moved away for college we started talking more. I think we texted and called each other every day...for no reason at all. It was great. I felt we were closer. I felt you were genuine. I felt that you cared. Yes, it bothered me that you tried to make up for the time lost by buying my affection...but I got over it. 

There were times that if you weren't happy with what I was doing, you took away the help you were offering. Which wasn't fair. Yes, you were paying for my cellphone and my rent but that was so that I could focus on school..which you've always maintained was my number one priority. 

It wasn't one single thing that changed, but a series of events that happened. One being you deciding not to help pay for tuition anymore, like you'd promised, which resulted in my being withdrawn from school without my knowledge and my having to scramble to find another job. Then I got engaged and you decided that you didn't want to pay my phone bill anymore and instead of letting me keep the number and switch it over, you shut it off in the middle of my phone call with the company. I didn't get a job because of that, you know. When I got pregnant, you told me to not get fat. You harrassed me every single day. Asking me why I don't call anymore then when I do call you tell me how horrible I am...making me not want to call. Can you see how you might've let me down?

You've called and seen Austin all of three times since I got pregnant. This includes one call during the pregnancy to check to see how fat I was. To your dismay, I wasn't. Thanks. People think I'm mean because I don't want to include you in our lives. It's not that I don't love you or anything like that, it's just that I don't like negativity in my life. And you bring a lot of it. I have a lot of issues thanks to you and it's my job to protect my son from those things that bring issues..you are one of them. If he ever asks about you, which I doubt since my stepdad has been a fabulous grandfather, I'll gladly open that door for you to be around. But until then, I don't see it happening. You're constantly promising to do this and do that, but just like when I was younger, I don't see any of those promises coming true. 

I love you dad, but you've completely and totally let me down. You'll always be my daddy, that's for sure. But it's up to you to make that change within yourself if you want to salvage this relationship.  I love you.