why my emotions determine how my body looks

tonight i've stumbled upon the harsh realities of my struggles with food and weight. i think i've always known it, but to look yourself in the eye and say the words...that makes it real. and you can't take it back. you can try to deny it, but the words have been said and they ring loudly in your ear every time you try to deny the truth.

i have body issues because i am sad. i eat when i'm sad, whether i realize it or not. i put off exercise when i'm said, whether i realize it or not. and more often than not, i don't realize it. i'm a big optimist and tend to focus on the good...or at least i try. that being said, when i'm upset about one thing, i focus on the nine other things that are going well...thus putting the problem on the "backburner" for later. am i making any sense? here, let me spell it out in black and white.

lately, tensions have been high in the mays household. there is very little love going on. and i don't just mean physically [which is lacking and has been for obvious reasons- pelvic issues and that mandatory waiting period after childbirth]. the only connection i'm feeling right now is the love i have for the kids and how thankful i am that he helped create them. and in my head, i'm living our love story over and over trying to muster up some sort of reason as to why i'm even here in the first place. sucks, huh? newsflash: marriage is hard and i totally get it. i just didn't realize that when you're the only one putting in effort to make it work and last that it's even harder.

and now with all of that on the table, we can get back to my body. every time we fight and it ends with me feeling sorry for myself, i want to eat. ANYTHING. there's a ton of snacks in our house most of the time. mostly healthy but it's things like goldfish, fiber one bars, fresh fruits, salads, cashews, etc. any and all of those things are bad when they're over consumed. and friends, i NOM like it's going out of style when i'm upset. take for example, yesterday: i was upset over something he said or did [what's even sadder is i can't even remember most of the things that happen] and i went straight to the kitchen and baked a cake. i even went to the store and bought frosting to make sure it was a legit cake. and i ate three pieces before the day was through.

how pathetic, right?

this past week was pretty awesome when it comes to being extreme in the fitness category. as i posted last week,  i was starting a new fitness venture. one that i hoped would continue through the week..

AND IT DID!!

i had wanted to make it a point to go at least three times in seven days. and i did it. honestly, i would've gone yesterday too to make it a fourth time but my MIL is coming tomorrow and i needed to focus on attempting to get the house in order. AND i went to work today so i couldn't stay up super late. but i made my goal. furthermore- i set a record that i'd never accomplished before: i ran twenty minutes (a little under 2 miles) straight, without stopping, for the first time EVER. i'm not a runner, but i managed to keep going. and it felt good. i was on such a fitness high. and i want to keep doing it. a few days ago, i even weighed myself and had lost a pound. 

but that damn unhappiness set in and i ate my way through it. this morning? that scale read that i'd put ON two pounds since that last weigh in.

i'm not really sure what to do anymore, except to keep trying. maybe seek some counseling? i just know i want to feel like myself again. like someone who feels as hot as she looks on the outside. it doesn't help when watching a tv show together, he keeps making comments about the actresses on the screen.

but i still have my health, a great group of friends, and my awesome kiddos, right?

or is that me putting this issue on the backburner again?

:/