one thing i never anticipated was life getting messy. i anticipated being busy and sometimes frazzled. i'd heard plenty of stories of how kids completely turn your life upside down and inside out. but i always figured i'd be able to handle it. i haven't been dealt the easiest hand in the game, but i've always been able to play my cards well and keep my poker face on.
but then i had kids. and then i had people depending on me. and i couldn't do it.
insert shame. insert regret. insert anger. insert sadness. insert all of these horrible feelings of failure and when i'd look to others for confirmation that i wasn't as big a failure as i perceived myself to be--- those people only confirmed my biggest fear.
i'm not cut out for this.
but there's nothing more that i want to be cut out for. i want to be good at it, but i just keep failing. at least that's how i feel. and when i feel that way, those feelings well up inside me and they take. over. it's incredibly toxic. it's like a cancer. it starts out small and just keeps multiplying and growing and killing and causing destruction wherever it goes.
currently, i'm dealing. every single day i feel this intense desire to run and run fast. these people don't deserve me. they deserve someone better. someone who can handle everything. they deserve supermom. not me. not some lady who fakes her way through everything with a plastic smile. i've even learned to crinkle my eyes so that it looks genuine. i'm the master at deception. most people would never know...but i don't want to fake it anymore. i want to be real, raw and honest. and i want to be better.
my name is Kiranda. and a year later, i'm still dealing with post partum depression. yes, it's gotten easier on some fronts...but some days it feels harder. it's always hard and it's always frustrating. but i know i'll eventually get better.