My Punkin.

with the way things have been going this past year, i've only been certain of a few things. the love we share, i am certain, is the real deal.

i was so determined to not like him. well, in that way. after being a total bitch, despite liking what i saw, i gave him my number. really, i was kinda preoccupied with someone else to really notice him. he called me while i was walking to the bus. right on time, just like he promised he would. just in our few minutes of talking, i realized that he was a supercool guy and he'd definitely become one of my good friends. i wasn't into LDRs.

a few more days passed with his calls. some days i took them, some days i didn't. i took him for granted. i didn't know it at the time, but i had a diamond in my hand but kept pushing it aside looking for rhinestones. then i got the flu. it was the worst thing that had ever hit me before. i'm allergic to all flu medication so i was worried it'd take a turn for the worse. i couldn't even walk or stand and resorted to having to crawl around my apartment. that friday morning, i tried going to work. the guy i was desperately vying for was going to stop in to see me, but immediately turned around when he heard me vomit over the phone. i was able to leave work and make it home. i settled in the living room for another day of no food, just water and sleep.

i get a text message from some random number asking if i was ignoring him. i had yet to save his number so i asked who it was. when he said it was charlie, i felt bad. it wasn't that i was ignoring him, i just wasn't really "seeing him" like that AND I HAD THE FLU dangit! he called me and we talked while he drove from kileen to san antonio. those three hours on the phone....i've never enjoyed a phone conversation so much. he was so attentive and caring even being as far away as he was. he had to keep calling me back due to having to change freeways and trying to drive a stickshift with your phone to your head...no good.

fast forward a little bit more. all i could do was think about him. he was the only guy who called to check on me while i was sick. he was genuinely interested in me. he was so sweet and so caring and so thoughtful. i felt butterflies whenever i'd see his name on my caller id [yes, i finally saved him in my phone] those early morning texts and afternoon phone calls turned me into a mushy ball of fifteen year old girl. lol. i was no longer trying to catch the eye of the cute guy on the sidewalk or in the coffee shop. i didn't fret if i didn't hear from that one guy i was seeing. charlie was the only thing on my mind, but at the same time- i don't do long distance so i better keep my distance.

the more we talked, the more established we became. it was like we both knew we were dating, but we'd yet to address it. guys would ask for my number or for a date and i'd say i had a boyfriend. all the while i'm thinking, "DO i have a boyfriend? it feels like it.." i was just too afraid to bring it up to him. for three days, everytime we'd talk i'd want to just blurt out, "are you my boyfriend or not?" one night i did and he said he didn't want to rush into a relationship. cue my insecurity. :[ for a few more days, he could tell something was wrong but i could NOT put myself out there like that again.

one night we were talking and i just couldn't take it. he asked what was up and i told him that i wanted to say something but i was too scared of rejection to put myself out on a limb. he said he wanted to say something too. so i pressed him for his first. he told me he loved me. he didn't want to scare me away and that it was to soon, but that he knew he loved me without a doubt. my stomach flew up to my throat and i could feel my heartbeat in my ears. i was fu-reak-ing out!

he just told me he loved me! whaaa? uh...oh geez. do i love him? of course i do. no..it couldn't be love. maybe just a crush. but you can't stop thinking about him. so...but you've never thought about anyone else this much, you've never felt this way about anyone...that doesn't mean it's...wait...is it..*gulp* love. oh maaaaaaaan.

i told him i loved him too. that's when my body relaxed. i waited for the anxiety to come, for that little voice to say that i couldn't POSSIBLY love him and that i was confusing something else for it, but it didn't come. it hasn't come.

he has taught me patience. he's taught me to love and abandon all fears of the unknown. with him i feel like myself. i feel like this is where i'm supposed to be. we've both been through some serious pain in the past. it's crazy that we even have the desire to get back up and try again. but you have to go through some shit to get your reward in love. we made it through and we found each other. i thank God every single day that charlie is in my life. he's shown me what true love is and how it should me. all of those love quotes that you see around the internet are how he makes me feel. he's my best friend, my hero, my shoulder, my love. i can't explain it and you won't understand it until you feel this way about someone. if you've already found your prince charming, then you know.

gaaaah *drool* i love him.

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