30 Days Of Truth: {DAY THREE}

30 Days Of Truth

{Day Three}

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This one is hard. But necessary. 

I haven't been the wife my husband deserves. And I have to forgive myself for it.

I used to lie around, literally crying for God to send me the man I wanted. I'd been dealing with so many losers: guys who wanted nothing but sex, guys who I convinced myself didn't mean to hurt me, guys who had girlfriends, guys who were about nothing and fine with it, guys who lied, guys who didn't respect their mothers, guys who treated women like garbage, guys who used me, guys who physically-emotional-mentally abused me...just plain ole' rotten guys. I'd have moments of clarity where I'd be like, "WTF Kiranda!? You are SO much better than this. Get tah steppin." And I'd either leave the loser or I'd remember that I hated being "alone" so I'd stay around.

Then finally when God saw fit [because if I'd met him a second sooner, I would've ruined it FOR SURE], he brought Charlie around. Oh if it weren't for those losers, I'd never understand how amazing this guys is. Do you know that when I was pregnant and working full-time, I would come home to a hot bubble bath and my books ready for me? Not only that- he'd bring me dinner! up to the bath! It doesn't matter when or how tired he is, he'll rub my feet or give me a back rub. If I ask sweetly, he'll make dinner even if I've been home blogging, napping, and playing with Austin all day instead of slaving over a bone scanning machine like he has.  He not only puts up with my irritating behavior, but my family's as well. [And if you aren't hip to it- my family has a lot of irritating behaviors!] He gave me a chance to change his perspective on pregnancy, childbirth, and raising Austin. Not only does he think I'm beautiful, he thinks I'm sexy. Even with my post-baby bod. He loves every single thing about me, even when I find it hard to.

This man deserves the very best of me and I haven't always given it to him. Austin comes first. Friends come first. I come first. Family comes first. Work comes first. Cheer comes first. Everything always came first. And even though there were times when he really was mean and not treating me as amazing as he was before...he still deserved the best of me. 

I have the book, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, on my bookshelf. I would read it during my pregnancy and saw that I had a few things like the women Dr. Laura was talking about. But for the most part- I treated my husband well. But now with other things taking up my time and effort, I've started to see more and more of myself in these stories. I don't want to be those women. I want to take care of my husband. I want to treat him like the King he is. 

I'm mad at me for allowing myself to become that wife that I didn't want to be. It's wrong. He didn't deserve it. But I don't have time machine. I can't go back and change any of it. I can only move forward from today. From this moment. So I forgive myself for becoming that nasty, horrible wife Charlie didn't do a thing to deserve.

And starting right now, I'll be exactly what he does deserve.