today. well....

today has been a lesson in patience. i should've known something was up when austin wouldn't go back to sleep at five thirty. he was sleeping, but screeching. he'd doze off, but then decide he wasn't comfortable enough so then he'd wake up. i lied there in the dark [where i could see, but he couldn't see me watching him], held him in my arms, and just watched him slowly wake up more and more. finally, i took him into the living room and we watched the sunny side up show on sprout and dozed off again.

at some point, he woke up and started throwing things. first, his sippy cup. it barely missed my head. i told him that we don't throw things and put it down on the ground. he picked up my cellphone and chucked it. it sailed right at my face and smacked me right in the middle of my face. it hit nose, eyes, forehead. ugh. it hurt. and you'll never guess what i did.

i sobbed. not just shed a few tears of pain. i. freakin. sobbed. HARD.

i wanted to yell and put him in timeout or walk away. and as much as i feel like sometimes he does know better, i know he doesn't. so i buried my face in my pillow and i cried while he played.

and i started to worry. what if i can't handle two? what in the world did i get myself into? and true, i didn't make a baby all by myself...but i could've insisted on some sort of protection. but i didn't. is this my punishment? what if i start resenting the kiddos? it's not their fault they're here. and i really just started to doubt myself.

then my husband called and told me that he's up for a deployment starting this june..that he's one of six people who volunteered to go. him and i have talked at length about this and i told him to do what he felt was necessary. he's obsessed with ranking up. like o-b-s-e-s-s-e-s-e-d. and i hear about it every day. i told him okay and that we'd pray about him getting it. i hung up and felt even more defeated.

and austin's been a whining little monster all day. which adds to feeling like a big ole' mom FAIL.

but...he's been giving me kisses and playing peek-a-boo over the two hours. and we had a tickle-fest. and he's quietly watching sprout while i blog and finish putting together a shopping list for his birthday party tomorrow. and my husband isn't deploying anymore. and i'm excited for bella to get here and play with her big brother.

i think we're headed out on a good note today.


  1. Awww...hugs. Being a mom is hard. The Bible says God never puts more on us them we can bear. If He didn't feel like you had what it takes to raise to kids then he wouldn't have blessed you with the first. As moms with so much going it gets stressful, but that's when we have to pray the most and ask God for guidance and help.

    I think that now would be a great time to start working with Austin on dos and don'ts. Moo used to be biter and thrower when she was younger, but I've learned that they do understand firm commands like no, stop, etc at that age if used frequently to correct undesireable behavior. Just hang in there and keep your head up. You're a wonderful mommmy and supportive wife. One day you'll look back on this moment and realize that there is no such thing as a mom fail. This is just life.

  2. I hate the bad days, they happen so infrequently but when they do those few hours are awful! I do love that they seem to see that they pushed you a smidge too far and be extra sweet later.


Tell me how you REALLY feel. C'mon..just TELLLLLL me. I love your comments.


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