today. well....

today has been a lesson in patience. i should've known something was up when austin wouldn't go back to sleep at five thirty. he was sleeping, but screeching. he'd doze off, but then decide he wasn't comfortable enough so then he'd wake up. i lied there in the dark [where i could see, but he couldn't see me watching him], held him in my arms, and just watched him slowly wake up more and more. finally, i took him into the living room and we watched the sunny side up show on sprout and dozed off again.

at some point, he woke up and started throwing things. first, his sippy cup. it barely missed my head. i told him that we don't throw things and put it down on the ground. he picked up my cellphone and chucked it. it sailed right at my face and smacked me right in the middle of my face. it hit nose, eyes, forehead. ugh. it hurt. and you'll never guess what i did.

i sobbed. not just shed a few tears of pain. i. freakin. sobbed. HARD.

i wanted to yell and put him in timeout or walk away. and as much as i feel like sometimes he does know better, i know he doesn't. so i buried my face in my pillow and i cried while he played.

and i started to worry. what if i can't handle two? what in the world did i get myself into? and true, i didn't make a baby all by myself...but i could've insisted on some sort of protection. but i didn't. is this my punishment? what if i start resenting the kiddos? it's not their fault they're here. and i really just started to doubt myself.

then my husband called and told me that he's up for a deployment starting this june..that he's one of six people who volunteered to go. him and i have talked at length about this and i told him to do what he felt was necessary. he's obsessed with ranking up. like o-b-s-e-s-s-e-s-e-d. and i hear about it every day. i told him okay and that we'd pray about him getting it. i hung up and felt even more defeated.

and austin's been a whining little monster all day. which adds to feeling like a big ole' mom FAIL.

but...he's been giving me kisses and playing peek-a-boo over the two hours. and we had a tickle-fest. and he's quietly watching sprout while i blog and finish putting together a shopping list for his birthday party tomorrow. and my husband isn't deploying anymore. and i'm excited for bella to get here and play with her big brother.

i think we're headed out on a good note today.