Emotional Rollercoaster

Today has been emotionally draining...

It started with Bella being put back under the phototherapy lights for elevated bili levels. Then there was hope when they turned them off this afternoon. I came in to feed her at five and she was moving around and even seemed to wave at me!



Then I was able to go home and spend time with Austin. We took a bath and he got his second ever haircut. It was such a good time.

I was in such a good mood because the nurses had given me an excellent update. Basically saying we could be home soon depending on the next few days.

Then the doctor called.

Without going into details, my baby has an issue with her liver. They don't know exactly what yet, but it has to do with how her liver metabolizes bilirubin. They're running tests tonight and tomorrow, and I'm meeting with the doctor tomorrow to talk about the whole thing.

When I'm not crying, I'm cold. I can't feel, it's too scary. I can't even look at Charlie because I'm so upset. I know he wants to make me feel better, but he can't. I feel like I did something wrong along the way and I wish I could take it back. I know I wanted the pregnancy to be over, but I'd give anything right now to have her back inside where it's safe and nothing can hurt her.





If you pray, please send up a few prayers for my sweet little Bella. She doesn't deserve this, whatever this is. More than anything, I need her to be ok. She is a fighter- that I can tell.

I can feel my tough, brave exterior starting to crumble. I cried all throughout her last feeding. And I'm crying here in the room. I don't know how much longer I can keep up..

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