so i woke up yesterday with every intention of putting the kids down for a nap at some point during the day and then getting my booty on the computer and writing up a post for mcfatty monday. welp. that didn't happen. what DID happen was austin was so off the wall and crazy being silly that when he finally dozed off, i crashed right next to him holding bella. juggling two kids isn't like juggling four, but my gosh it's insanity.
i started tracking my weight everyday just because i wanted to see how breastfeeding could help in weight loss. really, i've been wanting to go to the gym but even when i have the time i just don't feel motivated. the only time i do is when i see a formerly large celebrity who has dropped a ton of weight. like my twin, raven-symone', or marsha ambrosious...or even jennifer hudson [though she annoys me.] seeing these three ladies on tv [which i have been seeing a LOT lately], plus all the articles in magazines about losing weight and getting ready for summer...really just makes me depressed. which then, makes me want to go work out and eat nothing by healthy food. but then i see a bag of twizzlers and just cave.
i've probably mentioned it on here before, but i struggled with an eating disorder when i was fifteen. [and typing that makes me feel like a loser. bc it seems like everyone has at some point. ugh]. anyway. i would starve myself and then binge and then throw up. so i guess that's all three, right? so yea. i had really unhealthy eating habits. then i dated a guy who had a ridiculous metabolism and never gained weight and he helped me through it somehow, but i started eating like HE did. long story, several years, two pregnancies and i'm sitting pretty OVER 150 pounds and feeling like a failure.
i just want it to be easy. and i know that's my downfall. i want to NOT want mcdonalds and taco bell. i want to crave water and exercise and leafy greens [although i craved a caesar salad for the last few days]. i know cooking at home has and will make a big difference in my caloric intake. but how do i get past those late night cravings for reese's and butterfingers and twizzlers. they seriously happen every night. how do i force myself to go to the gym when all i want to do when charlie gets home is pass out or retreat to the bathtub or blog? ACK!
so like i said earlier, i've been weighing myself. when i went into labor, i was at 180lbs. [yeesh]. i started weighing myself a week after bella was born.
day 1: 169.4
day 3: 168.0
day 6: 166.2
day 7: 168.6
day 8: 167.6
day 9: 167.6
day 10: 164.0
day 11: 164.0
day 12: 166
day 13: 164.8
day 14: 166
it's been four days since my last weigh in. i think seeing the number jump back up has put me in a funky mood. i'm annoyed. yesterday i signed up for MyFitnessPal.com which is a calorie tracker. i plugged in my meals for the day and was doing really well...
...until i went back for seconds and thirds of my homemade dinner. and then sent charlie for a twizzler run. :( i overdosed by 500 calories. i know i have different caloric needs since i AM breastfeeding, but i doubt the extra 500 i got was really good for my milk supply. lol
blargh. this is just a pissy rant post. someone please give me good ideas for getting on track. my baby will be a month old in a few days and i really don't have any more excuses. even though people are marveling at "how great i look for just having a baby", i can't carry around this layer of fat forever. i need to get fit!