my name is kiranda.
and i suffer from post partum depression.
there. i said it.
now before you raise your eyebrows and run away screaming or pretend you don't know me or even before you plaster a fake smile across your face and say, "aww it's ok" but all the while have mean judgements passing in your head...just give me a minute to explain.
fact #1- i don't think my children are demons.
i don't hate them them. not one bit. nor do i have daydreams and fantasies about harming them in any way. in fact, it's totally the opposite. even when they're at "their worst" i still want to comfort them and love on them. and they still make me the happiest woman ever. sometimes their crying does irk my nerves, but that's usually due to them crying over and over all night long or something drastic like that. still, i never want them to hurt or be harmed. never.
fact #2- i don't want to harm my husband or myself either.
trust me- no matter how bad it gets you'll never see a murder/suicide coming from my neck of the woods. i promise.
fact #3- i don't walk around with a cloud above my head all of the time.
for the most part, i'm a sunny individual. i love to laugh and smile and have a good time. so it's not like i'm walking around sulking all day.....most of the time.
any other misconceptions you have, just give me the benefit of the doubt okay. ppd is a blanket term and i don't fit all of the descriptions, but it's a very real problem that i'm dealing with and it has started to affect me on a physical, emotional and psychological level.
let me explain. what i feel is an intense amount of guilt. i feel like i should be doing it all and i should be doing it with a smile. my house is supposed to be clean. i'm supposed to cook healthy, balanced meals for my family. by now i should at least be halfway to my pre-both-pregnancies weight and then some. i should always have my laundry done and put away. i'm supposed to always look presentable and always be ready to host guests at my house. my husband should still see me as the foxy girl he married. i should be making him a priority. i should be active in church and attend every saturday or sunday. i should be making some kind of income to contribute to our house....these are just SOME of the expectations i put on myself. and THAT'S the problem. i put these things on myself and then when i don't live up to my own expectations, i'm upset with myself. i can't deal.
ever since bella was born, i've been feeling down and distraught. understandably so, with her NICU stay and surgery and bouncing in and out of hospitals....having to ask when i can hold my baby and what is okay and what is not. then having my son go to the other side of the state for weeks at a time. then the constant juggling. work-school-career aspirations-family-friends-self. and at several points i've had mini nervous breakdowns. but for the last month or so, i've found myself saying "there is something wrong with me". at first it was in my head, then i kept muttering it and finally i've been saying it loudly. the answer has been floating around in my mouth for some time, but i've been too chicken to say it. and tonight, i said it for the first time.
it's because i was scared that once i said those words, i'd have to acknowledge it and face it. why oh why can't i just hide from it. or even more so, why can't i just snap out of it? that's been the biggest thing. for a long time, the naive me thought that depression was a joke. that if you felt that way, you could just snap yourself out of it. and that's what i've been trying to do. but it's not working. i've been walking around feeling like i'm trying to keep my head above water only to constantly be pulled under. that's the best analogy i can think of. it's like no matter what i do, i'll never be ahead...i'll never be in line...i'll always be behind...way way behind of where i need to be. over the last six years, i've been hyper-aware of self. my mental state, why i do things, where this has come from, why things manifest themselves while others do not, etc. so when i kept feeling "off", i knew that this was really becoming a problem.
to say that i'm terrified is an understatement. i'm scared that even though i know what's going in, that it's not going to help. i'm afraid people will think i'm crazy. i'm afraid that when i ask for help, that it'll be met with wide, scared eyes...like any mis-step and i'll snap. i'm scared that people will look at and treat me differently. but i'm still me. i'm still loving, bubbly, mostly funny kiranda. i still love hard and laugh loud. i just have a lot on my shoulders and little support. so while i'm struggling and trying to overcome, please don't desert me. i still need your love....maybe even a little more.
so yes, i have PPD and it's very real.
but i refuse to let it define me.
i will beat this.
One thing you can do right now that doesn't require a prescription:
ReplyDeleteStart a reasonable sleep schedule. Ask anyone with depression how important this is and you'll hear it time and time again. Your circadian rhythm is very important.
Part of the reason you're feeling off is because you ARE off! Your circadian rhythm is literally off kilter and when that happens you will never feel rested. People who work a night shift, for example, always feel tired no matter how long they sleep. Your body was meant to be awake when its light out, and asleep when its dark. Everything else hinges on this foundation.
Start going to bed at a decent hour, and getting up at a decent hour. And stay awake all day. That, coupled with whatever course of treatment you decide, should get you feeling like a new woman! You CAN be the mom, wife and woman you want to be. Guilt-free.
Being real and honest took so much courage. From here, things will get better!
I've been down this path, and was way worse. It does get better. Its a hormonal imbalance, and its not a bad thing. Its natural to feel like you have to snap back and be Super Woman. But realistically its not that easy. Just breath, try to get more sleep, eat healthy, exercise when you can, pamper yourself when you can. And dont feel guilty about none of it. Because you cant take care of others, if you arent taking care of yourself.
ReplyDeletelots of thanks to both of you.
ReplyDeleteyes, veronica, i already feel worlds better bc i went to sleep before 3am! i woke up super early today and am preparing myself for bed before midnight tonight.
and mrswardy- that's been the toughest realization- that it's not realistic for things to snap back and be okay right off the bat.
but like i said, i'm ready and prepared...i know it's not easy. i know i won't always do it well, but i'm prepared to go moment to moment and make conscious decisions to make sure i'm okay. :)
thanks for sharing this with us, i never went through it, but a best girlfriend of mine did, {she had twins and hubs gone off work all the time.} So glad u shared.
ReplyDeleteI think all moms experience PPD. Some of us are just better at masking it, not talking about it or plain simply being in denial about it. And still a lot of are not educated enough on PPD to recognize the symptoms. Depression doesn't make you crazy or a bad person. I totally understand what you're going thru and how you feel.
ReplyDeleteThere are days when I feel my PPD flares up and I feel completely helpless and like I'm failing everybody. But I've started reading books like Live Your Life Now for Moms and Don't Swear the Small Stuff for Parents.
I never knew that just reading words and daily devotions of encouragement could be so helpful with PPD but they are. I've also realized that blogging helps me to vent and release stress. It also allows me to build my support team. I have a small circle of online friends that I can email or text for extra comfort.
So, explore your options. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. Ask somebody if you can exchange emails, phone numbers or even snail mail to talk about what's going on and how you're feeling.
I also want to add that sometimes BLOGS can aggravate that "perfection overload" that moms can feel.
ReplyDeleteWhat do people put on blogs? A lot of them paint a picture of perfection. Because you can be selective about what you show, of course people only show the good stuff.
Kids always clean, neat and dressed.
Every day there is a new craft or cute little thing.
Dinners are 4-course meals.
Exercise goals are always met - and surpassed.
The husband is always smiling, and the wife is always looking longingly at her adoring family.
And you read stuff like that and think "What the Hell is wrong with me?!" Because obviously nobody's life is like that, but it seems like it should be.
Or (equally as bad) there are very depressing and dark blogs where women just whine all day. This negativity rubs off and suddenly you find yourself nitpicking your husband, snapping at the kids, and hating your life as a mother and wife.
Blogs can really aggravate any feelings of doubt or insecurity one feels. I think they're fine in small doses, but its easy to get sucked into the Perfection model, or the "Life Sucks" negativity.
I can also see Pintrest starting to do that to some of my mom friends.
You see all this stuff you *could* be doing, but instead of seeing it as could, you see it as *should* and start feeling guilty. Not to mention the chronic time wasting.
Isn't it ironic?
You spend 4 hours pinning things you *want* to do, and then you don't have the time to do it because you just wasted it on Pinterest! I'm raising my hand because I'm guilty. :-)
Women already burden themselves enough without the added guilt that their purse should match their shoes, their abs should be rock-hard, they should serve organic pancakes in cute shapes for breakfast, and that they should be having sheet-ripping-great sex every night.
The internet is awesome, but since its introduction into our lives 20 years ago, its only contributed to the burdens that wives, mothers, and women feel everywhere.
Kiranda. You - Are - Enough. Let the rest go and love yourself as you are right now.