suspended

"i feel dead inside"

those are the words i finally uttered when charlie kept asking me what was wrong. i could barely move my limbs as i sat, numbly on the couch staring at the screen. staring, but not really seeing. 

he asked me, over and over again. "chip, what's wrong. just tell me. what is it?"

i feel dead inside.

and i can get why, but at the same time...i don't get it.

for the last six years, i have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. i've juggled school, work, dating, an active social life, then marriage and babies...and i may be tooting my own horn here, but i think i did a pretty damn good job at keeping it together. NOW- i have nothing to do. i take care of kids who don't necessarily need me to do anything other than sit there. we LITERALLY can sit around and as long as diapers are changed and bellies are full...we're content. 

i. feel. useless.

i have things that keep a fire burning within me. there are desires and goals and dreams that i have in different areas of my life: business, personal, spiritual. but there's nothing for me to do right now. 

moving here, while a great experience as a whole and a "fun" adventure has completely uprooted me. i felt that i had stability and some sense of grounding in washington. there was something always in the distance to work on, to work towards. and now, i feel like my strings have been cut and i'm floating in mid-air. i'm not moving forwards or backwards. i'm merely swaying side to side waiting for some gust of wind to pick me and move me in some direction. 

something has got to give.