we were made to be courageous.

{via}

so ever since i heard about this movie, i've been led to go buy it. i haven't purchased a movie in awhile...i usually don't unless it's something i just HAVE to have in my dvd collection. last night while trying to pick up invitations for austin's birthday, i stopped and grabbed the movie and came home and watched it.

oddly enough {or maybe not}, charlie came home within the first five minutes of the movie starting so we sat and watched it together. we both had a kid on our laps, sat on different couches and proceeded to watch. 

y'all. i can't even. this movie was ah-MAY-zing. like seriously. please please PLEASE go out and buy it. ugh. it's soooo good. even if it doesn't apply to you or your family, just go. watch it together. make that resolution. seriously. 

the whole time i was just in tears. i held my kids tighter and kissed their cheeks. at one point, austin snuggled my face close to his face and put his arm around my head. so sweet. i cried for myself. i cried for my babies. i cried for my marriage. i cried like crying was going out of style. 

i cried for me because: even though i was lucky enough to have and know two dads, i still experienced "no-daddy syndrome". i sought attention from the wrong men. i didn't value myself. and sometimes i still feel like i don't. spoiler alert: there's a scene where a father takes his daughter out for dinner on a "date" and asks for her heart and for her to trust him with it so that when he gives her away she knows it was the very bests man for her. GAH! i just died. 

i cried for my babies because: i worry so much that they'll grow up without the proper example of a father. i know the importance of a dad and i don't want them to not have one. and honestly, no matter what happens with charlie, they'll always have one very active in their lives. but {and i hate to say this}, i'm not necessarily sure i'd want him as their role model. there's lots of things that he does and believes that i would never want austin to think is okay or bella to think is acceptable. so i hurt for them because i don't want them to suffer at all.

i cried for my marriage because: it's failing. i want charlie to be that man. i'd be lying if i didn't say that. i wanted him to make the resolution and decide we were worth changing for. alas, he said he was going to do it, but.............. within minutes his "resolve" faltered when it came time to participate in the rest of the evening. *sigh*

the point is this...men have an incredibly important job on their hands. it literally takes a second to become a father. but the commitment required to be a dad, a courageous dad, is a serious one. it's not hard when things are good. when money isn't tight, when your marriage is golden, when your kids are easy-going, when you've got an abundance of things and no real adversity in life- it's easy then. but are you courageous when your back is against the wall, when it's hard? are you courageous when it REALLY matters? i'm making the commitment to be courageous and it's my sincere hope to one day know someone who can be just as courageous, if not more, when it really counts.

and because this post needs pictures...yesterday instead of cleaning up when charlie came home, i grabbed my camera and headed outside with him and the littles. it was a nice change of pace...