miss me?

head on over to

lovewastedblog.blogspot.com

{i promise to get a better URL soon}

so about that...

....that update?

well, i fail at life. let's just face it. why don't i just pick up where i'm at. and slowly, but surely, i'll fill in the blanks.

++++++++++++++

Romans 12:19-21 (NIV)
Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

the people who hurt me need just as much grace as i do. and in extending grace, i earn favor with my Creator. this life isn't about pleasing me, it's about pleasing God. all triumphs come through experiencing trials. i can do this.

++++++++++++++

i wrote this on my facebook wall today. it couldn't be more relevant to my current dilemma here at home. for those that don't know, charlie and i are getting a divorce. it's time. we've been separated for almost two years and nothing has changed. in fact, my feelings for him have grown distant and i've become more fond of him than in love with him. i love him for everything we've been through, for the beautiful children we've created, for the family we have together. but i don't see him as my husband anymore and i don't see a future with him.

this realization was and still is one of the hardest i've ever had to admit out loud. 

and having to tell him this truth...ugh. it's just hard.

i never wanted to give up. i never wanted to move on. it just happened. so many years of being hurt makes a person hardened towards love and relationships. and i don't want to be that way. i want to love freely and without reservation. and i know i couldn't have that with charlie. i have this involuntary wince whenever he would try to be "my husband". it's an automatic response. my mind and brain won't let me go back there. there's too much pain, too much hurt....it's all too much. 

from where i'm standing, there's too much darkness when i turn back around. i see glimpses of light and can remember the good times. i have enough photos to look over. but there's so much darkness. so much doubt. so much pain. i'd be crazy to go back to that. so i'm pushing forward.

but he's making it so difficult. he's picking fights, calling me names, picking on my insecurities,....just plain being horrible to me. and i understand why. i understand that he's in a place of pain...and he's not the only one. but he's reacting from that place. there are times when i want to be JUST as horrible to him in return. where i want HIM to hurt as much as he's making me hurt. where i want to hit below the belt and crush him. but i can't. i'm not supposed to.

because i have the knowledge of recognizing why he's acting the way he is...i have to be the better person and NOT stoop to that level. it's my responsibility. furthermore, i have two children to consider. every decision i make concerns them. if i fight with their father, then i'm not being a good mother. if i don't give as much grace as i'm given by God, i'm not being Christ-like. and that's the ultimate goal, right? to please God.

no matter how hard it is...i HAVE to do it. i need to remind myself, daily. 

i can do this.

Back at it.

I ran up the stairs, slammed the door twice and locked myself in my bedroom. I ran to my closet and covered my head and my ears to drown out any noise resulting from my outburst. I locked my bathroom door and covered myself in a blanket and slept on the cold tile floor. 

I don't even know how long I was there, but eventually it was too hard and cold to stay there...but I wasn't ready to go downstairs. I pressed my ear to the floor and could hear them still whining, still hear them playing and making messes. I could hear Charlie and Tessa talking and moving around, the dishwasher cleaning dishes....it was too much to deal with, even though it wouldn't seem that way to anyone else.

I crawled into bed. I could hear people driving by. I really do live in a beautiful, perfect, suburban area. It's peaceful and calming, even when the weather sucks. And I feel like a fraud, living in this perfect neighborhood with all this darkness inside of mine,

Then it hits me.....this damn depression isn't through holding onto me. I'm SO over it. I'm ready to be capable of dealing with my life. I'm tired of being a crappy mom. I'm tired of being in its clutches. 

I'm ready to be myself again.

so much.

there's so much to say.

it's been two months since i've last blogged and i owe this blog an update. 

i've got so many things to update on, a simple bulleted post wouldn't do it justice.

i'm going to start blogging daily again and also setting up a few scheduled posts to recap what's been going on.

i miss this blog like you don't know.

<3

thanks for enjoying the ride.

it happened.

sooooooomeone turned three yesterday.

and i can't wait to share all about it.....

...tomorrow. lol

from the mouth of babes.

i think my kids are the funniest. no really, i've yet to meet any other kids who are QUITE as funny as mine. i mean, their comedic timing is ON. POINT. and so i introduce a new segment to le blog:

stuff my kids say.

*while i'm cooking breakfast and cleaning the kitchen simultaneously*

austin: "mommy....this house is messy. you clean up."

DEAD.

the sickies.

everyone at my house has "the sickies" in some form or fashion. charlie has the full blown flu, austin is on his way there, and bella has a runny nose. i'm just sitting here trying not to get sick. why?! because mommy's can't get sick. mommy's have to take care of EVERYTHING. and when mommy's get sick, they can't take care of everything. and then the house is trashed, the dishes are piling up, the laundry is not done, the kids haven't eaten, etc. 

so mommy's can't get sick.

but i just feel so bad for my poor little austin. he's burning up and he's just so miserable. he literally is drinking juice {severely watered down, mind you} and napping. he did play for a few hours today, but now he's back to his lethargic, miserable self. i'm just praying bella doesn't get the full brunt of it either. she's pretty chipper right now. i'm giving her medicine like crazy {recommended dosages, of course} and just hoping it jumps her completely. poor littles.

*sigh* flu season is so stupid. we wouldn't be in the mess if the damn hospital hadn't required charlie to get his flu vaccine. but that's a whole 'nother post, y'all. you know how i feel about vaccines....

currently.

coloring with my almost-three year old.

>> watching: i haven't really sat down and watched tv in awhile. i have little spurts every now and then, but nothing that i'm like SUPER glued to. i want to get into Downton Abbey because EVERYONE is in love with it, but i don't want to start and then have to pause because my schedule is so hectic. i DID stay up until 6am this morning watching movies last night. i watched The Switch and No Strings Attached..two really good movies. check 'em out. and give me some recommendations on things to check out!

>> thinking about: relationships. men and women. why we are the way we are and why we constantly feel this need to fight the innate truths about ourselves. excuse me while i get all abstract and stuff...
we, as humans, want to be loved. we want to be cherished and we want to feel important. don't believe me? the whole reason people are loyal to anything {brand, group, status, a store, etc.} is because they make you feel like you matter. even the crummiest of people, the coldest of hearts, the meanest of the mean...they want to feel that way too. so why is it that when someone IS treating you well, that some of us start to ruin it all? why do we feel the need to play games, torture hearts, pull on heartstrings, etc? why can't we just love and be loved? this world would be so much easier if we'd never been hurt. if deep inside us there wasn't this need to hurt other people. people AREN'T inherently good. we are caught in the middle of a war of love and hate. and we're attacked every day with reasons to hate others. why can't we just love? when will the games stop and the love just flow?

>> reading: short of blogs, fb posts, and the occasional magazine article...i'm not reading A THING. and i feel weird about it. i want to delve into some good reading. i'm contemplating looking into more series. i keep seeing movies that came from books and i want to read those books before seeing the movie. any suggestions?

>> celebrating: my son will be three in two weeks. i can't even handle it, but i'm celebrating who this little baby has turned into. he's seriously grown so much in the last few years and i'm so excited to see who he becomes in the future.

>> making me happy: my kids. really...they're kind of the one constant right now. i'm not feeling as dark and depressed as before, but i am consistently battling the enemy on many different fronts and it's tough at times. even when they're being really toddler-esque {translation: horrid}, they constantly do things to make me happy and make me a better person. i love those babies.

wordless{ish} wednesday

once upon a time...my kids met each other for the first time.

.... she was his favorite. 

... now two years later...

mommy still has them doing this pose to keep track of how big they are.

ANYONE ELSE JUST DIE OF THE CUTE?

because i'm dead over here.

lol

my BABIES!!! they're so big. i hardly remember them being that small anymore.

if i hadn't been there through it all, i'd swear they were born and over night turned into little big kids.

*sigh* 

mommyhood. 

i will be attempting to get this pose out of them at least once a year.

i totally failed 2012. the photo on the right was taken on jan 1 so i wasn't TOO far off. haha

and here's more from this little "inside the house, impromptu" photoshoot.

they really are best friends

<3

345 days later.... *cough*

soooo this one time...my son turned 2.

and seeing as how his THIRD birthday is only twenty days away *hold me*....it's only fitting to post these pics about his birthday, right? RIGHT? so it's not a COMPLETE mom fail moment...right? RIGHT? lol

i think the price tag on this party was around $350? i'm trying to keep tabs on how much i spend for their parties so i know if i'm going up in price or not. lol kids are expensive. i spent ALL morning in the kitchen cooking for everyone and actually didn't even sit down to enjoy the party until it was practically over because i had to keep cooking to refill everything. 3 lbs of my famous meatballs don't just cook themselves, ya know?

we rented a bouncy house that austin HATED. and there were only like 5 kids there. everyone else was adults that i didn't even know. bella was whiny and had to be put down for a nap right at the beginning of the party.

and then there was that very unfortunate moment when charlie's mom charged at me like she was going to fight me because i called her a liar. that's what happens when you lie, i suppose. *shrugs* so many bad memories...

in any case. happy times. check out my little two year old chub-nugget and reminisce with me. because i'm pretty sure in twenty days i'm going be losing my ever-loving mind, crying on the floor, because my baby isn't a baby anymore. three...THREE guys!

<3 <3 ...and almost <3

i miss it here

we survive the end of the world // merry christmas // happy new year // austin is turning 3 // bella is turning 2 // charlie is moving to north carolina // so many changes..so many new things happening. so much reflection.

but i can't write. i don't know what to say or where to start.

i miss blogging terribly. i end up keeping a lot inside because i'm not writing it all here. i think i'm scared. or just too exhausted. but i miss it so.

i'm still dangling and floating in mid-air. and while sometimes it's refreshing, sometimes it feels like i'll never re-attach to anything and find purpose.

let's face it. life is grand. overall. i don't have much to complain about these days. but tonight i'm feeling heavy. i'm feeling burdened. i'm feeling like when people yell at me, i shut down. and i'm currently completely closed off because i don't know how to make others happy, yet still maintain a complete sense of self.

*sigh*
g'night.

wordless{ish} wednesday

it's been awhile, huh? <3 while getting my camera gear in order for yesterday's homecoming, austin and bella recognized the camera and started saying "cheeeeeese". so they held hands and went by the christmas tree. LOVE these two to pieces!!

LOOK AT THIS INSTAGRAM!

had a super long day today. shot a homecoming for one of my good friends, then went to work where we trained at the roaster. then came home and proceeded to fight with charlie. GAH. then i went to the bedroom where i wallowed in self-pity and eventually passed out in the darkness for three hours! EEP.

NEEDLESS TO SAY...i could use a good laugh tonight. as an instagrammer---- i can relate. lol be ready to laugh your pants off!

CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

LOL, right?!

quickness.

started work today.
love the new place.
love my new coworkers.
loving the prospects put before me.

paid bills today.
also put almost $500 into savings.
FTW!

now looking at second cars.
and childcare options.
i wish i could just watch them via skype sometimes.

excited about the holidays.
and also ready for them to be over.

also?
why are my neighbors so loud?
all day today it's been random vacuum cleaners, yelling at kids, stomping around, dropping things...
it's ridiculous.
and the neighbor across the hall was yelling at her husband/boyfriend/boo over an avocado.
maaaaaan.

hmm. what else?
my legs are STILL sore from the workout i did a couple days ago.
fitness to the extreme, y'all.
ready to say bye bye to fattycakes.

and i'm tired. so that's all.

the faith of mary.

last night at church, my pastor talked about the faith of Mary.

can you imagine? being young and in love, incredibly humble in every way, and out of nowhere an angel coming to you and saying, "sooo uh, by the way, God kinda likes you and thinks you're worthy, so you're going to have a son, name him Jesus and He shall be the Son of the Most High." Can you imagine?

can you then imagine saying in response, "um alright. soooo HOW exactly is this going to happen, yo? i'm a virgin."

first off, she didn't freak out. it wasn't like she didn't believe him. she just kind of looked at the facts and inquired how. and then can you imagine his response?

"so the Holy Spirit is gonna stop by, you'll be covered by Him, and then you'll be pregnant. easy peasy. and if you don't believe me, your sister, who everyone says is barren and much too old to have a baby, is six months pregnant. she's having a son too. they'll be cousins. God can do whatever He wants."

Can. You. Imagine?

i'm pretty sure i would choke. i'm pretty sure we all would be like, "wait, say WHAT?! you need to 'splain yourself Lucy {Gabriel}." but she didn't. she simply said, "i trust God. ok."

WHAAAAAAAAAT?!

that. is. FAITH, people!!

Mary's response is one of the greatest statements of faith in history.

where is our faith? how much do we trust in God? would we simply say yes if we had been in her shoes? DO we say yes when God is calling us to trust Him. Mary had no idea what she was about to face. she didn't know how her family, friends, and the other members in Nazareth would've reacted. she didn't know that her beloved, Joseph, would question her fidelity and decide in his heart to divorce her before hearing the truth in a vision. she didn't know her plans for her tidy little life were going to be turned on its ear. she didn't know how hard the road would be. and she definitely didn't know her precious baby would be crucified to save us all. but she trusted God to take care of the details.

she trusted..despite her circumstances. she was young, poor, and in the eyes of most not necessarily the right candidate for such a huge task. i mean, do we normally trust teenagers who no real life experience with huge things? nope. but God isn't interested in our abilities. He's only interested in our availability. having faith and being available and willing to say yes are ALL he needs. God needs the humble and the meek for His plans.

No matter who you are, the Lord can use you.

i'm going to go out on a limb and just say she was probably terrified. i know i would be. heck, an angel DIDN'T appear to me and my kids certainly aren't the Son/Daughter of the Most High,  but i was definitely scared at becoming a mom. there's so many challenges that i had to, and have yet to, face. and back in her day,  given her circumstance, she had a lot more to deal with. But He tells us not to fear.

"The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?"- Psalm 118:6 {NKJV}
"...Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." {NIV}

No matter what problems you face, the Lord is with you.

this whole story of the birth of jesus and resulting christmas seemed so far fetched, so miraculous. a lot of times God places us in situations that seem too big to deal with. here's the truth, for us...they are. we can't do it on our own and in all honesty, we're not supposed to. Even when it seems unbelievable, have strong faith and trust the Word of God. 

No matter what He promises, the Lord can do it.

it's no coincidence that Jesus came as a baby. He had to be born of a virgin to make Him holy. this was the direct intervention of God. the miracle of the virgin birth is similar to the rebirth of us as christians. Christ says, "No man can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again." {NIV} You must be born  again!

No matter who you are, you need a supernatural birth.


mary had faith. more faith than i do at a lot of times. currently i'm going through some serious trials. it's not lost on me that this is all happening directly after being baptized and making a public proclamation of my faith in the Lord. i see you satan. i know he is working TIRELESSLY to make feel like i have no hope, that my world will crumble around me and i'll be left with nothing. i know he is trying to make me doubt the goodness of God.

but he will not win.

i have faith. and my God is faithful. and i know He is with me, carrying me when i'm too weak to carry myself. and i know He has a plan in store for me...greater than i could've ever imagined for myself.

 and for that, i am thankful.

word vomit

tired. stressed. mind-racing. afraid. new. change. hate. excited. anxious. happy. interested. confused. angry. resigned. defeated. alive. trusting. scared. faith. new chapter. new leaf. new chance. letting go. holding on. in between. unmoving. need a sign. need to pray. a lot. yet nothing at all. juggling. too much. not enough. lethargic. depressed. hopeful. photos. work. music. creating. artistic. brave. yet still scared. over the moon. elated. shy. nervous. originals. gigs. networking. musicians. photography. captured. love. new friends. purpose. hope. family. friends. lovers. heartbreak. freedom. tattoos. self expression. badass. beer. food. fires. scarves. melodies. familiar. cold. expensive. talking. toddlers. new ideas. new words. more communication. less needy. more independent. fun. exhausted. insomnia. melatonin. new best friend. trusty sidekick. pretty girls. character. principle. strong. unrelenting. faith.

...that's all i can manage.

for now...

oh hai.

hey guys! i'm still here. i'm just CRAAAAAAAY busy lately. even when i have "nothing to do", there's always something to do. and there's just a lot of LIFE happening these days.

kids are growing, music is being created, holiday plans are in full swing, we're contemplating moving to another complex, i'm contemplating picking up a little part time job, trying to get more serious about photography {i've been really blah about it since moving to texas}.....on and on and on.

and with the weather changing and the time change, i'm feeling a little less "on top of things".

i feel more exhausted and more on edge when it comes to anxiety and depression.

but that's another story for another time.

i'm GOING to do some blogging. but if you just neeeeeeed to see what i've been up to lately,

hit up the instragram. there's a link to your right. -------->>> that way.

and add me on fb! {kiranda mays...the one and only}. 

and i occasionally tweet. 

miss you. love you.

be back soon.

xx

thirty-two.

thirty-two months.

that's how old my first born is. there are days when i can't believe he's this big and then there are those days when i forget that he was ever smaller. i stumbled on a picture of him when he was two days old and i nearly collapsed from the cute, small, squishy little baby. then i looked up and was all, "there's NO way this guy was THAT baby." lol but alas....

he surprises me, literally, every single day. he is the biggest copycat ever. he says exactly what he hears around him. he memorizes songs and sings along to them, whether he hears them or if we're singing them. he has so much energy sometimes it's hard to keep up. but at the same time, he's so focused when he wants to be. i'll sit and watch him line up or stack his toys, usually cars, with gazelle intensity. he is a perfectionist in his own way. he loves to be physical too. climbing, running, jumping, wrestling..he loves it. and he's just so good at it all.

there are times when he doesn't want anything to do with me. honestly, that's most of the time. maybe 80%. but then there's that 20%. those days moments when he wants to be all over me. when i'm his absolute favorite. today i wasn't feeling well and apparently, neither was he. he crawled on my chest, snuggled under the covers and slept on top of me for three hours. those are the best moments in the world. when he wants me to hold him and rock him to sleep, or just sit next to him while he watches tv, or hold his hand and race with him down the street. ah! i could go on and on and on.

he's so sweet and loving. so loud and rambunctious. he's definitely a lover. and he is SUCH a big brother to his little "belle". he is now the easiest kid to deal with. toddlerhood really agrees with him and his temperament and needs. he has his whiny moments, sure. but he's learned when mommy has had enough and when to cut it out.

as far as potty training...he doesn't get it. i'm not in a rush either. i still offer trips to the potty, but he'd rather pee in the shower and in his diaper. he's able to count to 10 despite missing some numbers. i'm slowly starting to work on his ABCs as well. he's incredibly smart and does new things every day.

i heart you so hard austin anthony. and i can't believe you're going to be three in a few months. you're my best friend. MUAH.

siblings are the best.

lately austin and bella have been in super sibling mode. long gone are the days where they both play separately, rarely looking up at each other all day. now these two are practically twins. they mimic each other, stand up for each other, discipline each other, hug and kiss in asking for and giving forgiveness, and {my favorite..... grr} flat out stand together and defy anything mommy says. lol

some of the funniest things have happened over the last few days:

>> when mommy asks one if they want a bath and they say no, the other will join in and say no too.

>> when one hurts the other, i'll say "go say sorry to your brother/sister" 

and they both reach for each other and embrace and give kisses.

>> when austin is in trouble and/or melting down, bella will crouch down and 

try to give him kisses so he'll feel better.

>> when bella was getting time-out today, austin sat next to me and mimicked EVERYTHING i said as if HE was the parent.

{ie: Mommy: "bella sit down"

Austin: "sit down belle"

M: "look at mommy bella"

A: "look at OnTin " (<--how he says his name)

M: "we don't hit mommy, okay Bella?"

A: "belle don't hit OnTin."

...and so on and so forth. I nearly collapsed from laughing so hard.

>> when one starts doing something, like putting their heads on the ground and kicking their  legs up or climbing on the couch, or jumping on the bed...it's seconds until the other joins in.

>>i ask Austin to hold his sisters hand or to tell her to do something in order for her to do it.

{ie:  Mommy: "austin, tell your sister to eat her lunch."

Austin: "Belle, eat lunch."

and she does.}

and sometimes they are the worst to each other. sometimes austin yells at her, sometimes she hits him, they chase each other, scream in each others face...it's so sad. and most times i let them work it out unless it's out of control. i believe in siblings working on their relationship in their own way. and they do. for the most part- it's all love with these two.

and here's a glimpse into my littles and the shenanigans that happen around naptime. getting these two to sleep is becoming harder and harder when they band together to do this kind of cute stuff.

so. true.

i am currently 1 day before period. 

sorry everyone.